Avatar Posted by larry 22 days ago (Question)
I am a 45 year old man who is constantly irritated by my father who is eighty years old. Both my parents live with me and my three kids. I am divorced about 9 years ago. I feel that my constant irritation with my father is abnormal and out of control. I love my father very much but I cannot withstand his ways like gambling, coming home late like 2 oclock in the morning sometimes because of gambling. I shout at him and I am losing respect. Deep down I realize we are so much different and I must respect that but the irritation is just consuming me. While I am now relatively successful in my career, I am blaming why some of siblings are not able to succeed in their careers. I have talked to him many times and most of these are out of anger but he doesnt change. I know I just have to accept his ways but I am afraid that they consume me. What do I do?


Answers

Written by bellacutie 22 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think it's a good thing to talk about how you're feeling. Do you own your own home? Why can't your parents live on their own and do they contribute financially? Does your mother mind that he stays out and gambles.It would be very difficult to change your father, so the best thing is to live away, on your own with your kids. Gambling is a waste of money and that's sad in these dire economic times. Find them their own place to live - then he won't have money to spare and gamble. Hope things improve for you.

Written by Fpsy 22 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi larry,

Bella has some great advice. You have tried all you can to talk to your father but it isn't having any effect on him. People who are in the throws of a gambling problems, are much like drug addicts, gambling is all they can see, no matter the consequences.

Whilst your father is unlikely to change his ways, you can. Clearly your arrangements with your parents is having a huge problem on you. It is most likely also affecting your children too. Can you ask your parents to find alternative living arrangements?. Whilst it is ok to respect that your father has different values to you, you are entitled to set boundaries whilst he lives in your house. Are they contributing financially to the house. Our relationship with our parents is an interesting one, we are always the children, even if we are living more responsibly than they are. This makes it difficult then to switch the dynamic of one where you are laying down the house rules. But you have every right, to ask your parents to contribute financially and also in other ways. If your father can go out gambling to all hours of the morning then he seems physically and financially ok. What chores does he do around the home. You can set these boundaries in place that if he wants to continue to say in your house then he has to be respectful and responsible.

When you speak to your father, it is important that you do it at a time when you are not feeling angry with him. When we communicate in anger, we tend to drive people away. When we speak with respect and calmly people tend to listen more often to what the speaker has to say and then make choices.

Here is a gamblers anonymous organisation. They are helpful for family and friends who grew up with gamblers or who are living with gamblers. They might be able to offer some support and help.

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/

Written by Clyde 20 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I definitely think it would help to talk to your father and see what you could get him to do.

He probably will not change his ways, especially because of his age, yet maybe you can find ways to help with your own.

I wouldnt have him pay rent--because I am sure he didnt have you do that when you lived at his home, however; I do like the chores idea.

And you might want to ask/tell him to come in at a more respectable hour.

Be sure not to be angry when you talk to him, and let him know you worry and care about and love him.

Best,

Clyde


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