I am a head case and I am well aware of it. My problem is I can't seem to determine whether my actions are due to a personality disorder or because I am just an evil person.
I feel like I have two different extreme personalities.
I am happy, vibrant, fun and often the life of the party. I am full of energy and life. I have a very positive outlook. I get this strange heir of narcissistic self-confidence and am convinced that I am the center of the universe. I love the way I look and I feel empowered by it. I feel like everyone envies me. I feel on top of the world and that I can do anything I want to without consequence. I have this belief that I can have unprotected sex and never worry about becoming pregnant and that I can speed on the freeway and abide by my own laws and never get in trouble with the police. I don't care about anything except myself. I drink heavily all the time, almost every day. I jump from emotion to emotion. I'm impulsive and thrill-seeking. If I want something, I have to have it... and I feel deserving of it in a way. I ignore all of my problems including the debt that I owe and commitments I have to others. The rules of reality do not apply to me. My actions are driven by emotions, without regard to my thoughts.
Yet, when I am not my "happy and vibrant" self, I am disgusted by my selfishness and arrogance. I loathe myself for it. I get consumed by my self-hatred.
I feel like two different people.
On one side, though I am in a happy relationship with a great guy, I somehow feel authorized to flirt with and fool around with his friends. I can cheat, and I will have no consequences.
Then when I slow down, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I'm in love with the guy I am seeing and it would devastate him. I don't know what I would do if I lost him.
I know myself though. I'm not a bad person. I love children, I used to be a nanny for years, I've been a vegetarian for 10 years, I am a good friend, I am a loving girlfriend. I want to do something with my life that will help others and have been looking into a career in nursing. Normally, I don't like the way I look. I have no self-esteem whatsoever and I don't think my life will amount to anything.
I don't know what's happening to me. I'm addicted to this monster I've become. When I'm her, I'm invincible. It feels so good.
I change back and forth between my two selves daily. I don't know how to mediate between the two extremes.
When I was 15 years old, I had the following diagnoses: Major Depressive Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa, Polysubstance abuse, Post-traumatic stress disorder. I was an emotional wreck during my teen years. My mom was emotionally/verbally abusive growing up and blamed me for any of her problems. She would tell me I was evil and constantly made me feel guilty and bad. I had very low self esteem. I cut, I had a problem with meth, I attempted suicide several times, I tried prostitution, was on several antidepressants and antipsychotics. I was in and out of 13 mental hospitals in a period of 6 months. I was sent to a rehabilitation clinic in Utah for 1 year. Spending a total of 7 years in therapy starting at age 12, I had been told I had "traits" of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Now, after "recovering", no longer in therapy, age 20, living away from home, I considered myself healthy and capable of living a normal life. I donâ€™t think about suicide anymore. Iâ€™m not a threat or a danger to myself. A lot of the time, Iâ€™m happy.
I thought I was cured. While I love â€œbeing free,â€ Iâ€™ve destroyed my credit and have racked up an insurmountable amount of debt in the process. I'm not in school and I don't have a job. My income came from softcore and hardcore porn. I have zero structure. I spend any money that I earn recklessly and almost immediately.
More and more after reflecting on the last few months especially, I am really seeing just how unstable and erratic my life has become.
Am I an evil person or a sick person? Normal people care about consequences to their actions and do not want to hurt the people they are close to. It's not that I want to hurt them. I can't seem to control it.
What would you suggest that I do? Go back to therapy? Try medication again? Go back to living at home so that I can be in a structured environment?
It felt so liberating to finally close that chapter in my life and start new on my own. I feel like if I went back, I would be admitting defeat and all of the accomplishments I've made would be for nothing. I need to have control over my life, but I realize I might not even have it now.
Notice: Psych Central Answers shut down to new questions on January 11, 2013.
Looking for a place to ask your question? Sign up today for our community (you'll need a separate account than the one you use here), and ask away!
Ask and answer questions about mental health and relationship issues in a safe & supportive environment. If you ask a question, you will have to answer someone else's first, in order to give back to others here.