I am a head case and I am well aware of it. My problem is I can't seem to determine whether my actions are due to a personality disorder or because I am just an evil person.
I feel like I have two different extreme personalities.
I am happy, vibrant, fun and often the life of the party. I am full of energy and life. I have a very positive outlook. I get this strange heir of narcissistic self-confidence and am convinced that I am the center of the universe. I love the way I look and I feel empowered by it. I feel like everyone envies me. I feel on top of the world and that I can do anything I want to without consequence. I have this belief that I can have unprotected sex and never worry about becoming pregnant and that I can speed on the freeway and abide by my own laws and never get in trouble with the police. I don't care about anything except myself. I drink heavily all the time, almost every day. I jump from emotion to emotion. I'm impulsive and thrill-seeking. If I want something, I have to have it... and I feel deserving of it in a way. I ignore all of my problems including the debt that I owe and commitments I have to others. The rules of reality do not apply to me. My actions are driven by emotions, without regard to my thoughts.
Yet, when I am not my "happy and vibrant" self, I am disgusted by my selfishness and arrogance. I loathe myself for it. I get consumed by my self-hatred.
I feel like two different people.
On one side, though I am in a happy relationship with a great guy, I somehow feel authorized to flirt with and fool around with his friends. I can cheat, and I will have no consequences.
Then when I slow down, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I'm in love with the guy I am seeing and it would devastate him. I don't know what I would do if I lost him.
I know myself though. I'm not a bad person. I love children, I used to be a nanny for years, I've been a vegetarian for 10 years, I am a good friend, I am a loving girlfriend. I want to do something with my life that will help others and have been looking into a career in nursing. Normally, I don't like the way I look. I have no self-esteem whatsoever and I don't think my life will amount to anything.
I don't know what's happening to me. I'm addicted to this monster I've become. When I'm her, I'm invincible. It feels so good.
I change back and forth between my two selves daily. I don't know how to mediate between the two extremes.

My history:
When I was 15 years old, I had the following diagnoses: Major Depressive Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa, Polysubstance abuse, Post-traumatic stress disorder. I was an emotional wreck during my teen years. My mom was emotionally/verbally abusive growing up and blamed me for any of her problems. She would tell me I was evil and constantly made me feel guilty and bad. I had very low self esteem. I cut, I had a problem with meth, I attempted suicide several times, I tried prostitution, was on several antidepressants and antipsychotics. I was in and out of 13 mental hospitals in a period of 6 months. I was sent to a rehabilitation clinic in Utah for 1 year. Spending a total of 7 years in therapy starting at age 12, I had been told I had "traits" of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Now, after "recovering", no longer in therapy, age 20, living away from home, I considered myself healthy and capable of living a normal life. I don’t think about suicide anymore. I’m not a threat or a danger to myself. A lot of the time, I’m happy.
I thought I was cured. While I love “being free,” I’ve destroyed my credit and have racked up an insurmountable amount of debt in the process. I'm not in school and I don't have a job. My income came from softcore and hardcore porn. I have zero structure. I spend any money that I earn recklessly and almost immediately.
More and more after reflecting on the last few months especially, I am really seeing just how unstable and erratic my life has become.

Am I an evil person or a sick person? Normal people care about consequences to their actions and do not want to hurt the people they are close to. It's not that I want to hurt them. I can't seem to control it.

What would you suggest that I do? Go back to therapy? Try medication again? Go back to living at home so that I can be in a structured environment?
It felt so liberating to finally close that chapter in my life and start new on my own. I feel like if I went back, I would be admitting defeat and all of the accomplishments I've made would be for nothing. I need to have control over my life, but I realize I might not even have it now.



Answers


bella
1910 days ago
I think you're very honest for admitting all of this and your case sounds complicated. Most of us aren't doctors or therapists here and even if we were, a diagnosos can't be made over the internet. Since your personality changes through out the day, I'm not sure what is the possible diagnosis. It defanately sounds like you go through manic stages followed by low stages. I would lean more to BPD but you should still get the diagnosis from a doctor

I think you should get a psychological assessment done and look into medication/therapy again. I also think you need to get financial counselling to deal with your debt and learn how to handle money. I wish we could help you more but you seem willing to get help and know where you're going wrong. Best of luck.



Fpsy
1910 days ago
Hey getyourwings,

I don't believe in evil and I don't believe your an evil person. What you describe in the first part of your post sounds very much like mania, and the coming down you experience from that, sounds a lot like depression. Both of conditions are related to a diagnosis of Bipolar. Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder are often confused in diagnosis, it could be that you were missed diagnosed or it could be that as your grown older some symptoms have changed and these two conditions can co-occur together.

I recommend that you seek out all the information you can about the symptoms of Bipolar. There is medication to treat the mania and the depression symptoms. Go to your doctor and give them the same information that you've given us here. You can even print out what you wrote if you would prefer that. It's best to be formally diagnosed by a professional.

Here is a very good website that talks about Bipolar including symptoms, causes, treatments with both medication and psychotherapy and where to get help.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml

I hope this helps.



katrineme7
1909 days ago
You have some serious problems, getyourwings, but I can also see beyond those, far beyond them. You are not a hopeless case, I think. You even remind me a bit of myself.

i am also not so sure you are bipolar at all. Borderline sounds like a possibility, but so does DID? I think the two have more in common than meets the obvious eye. Then you are an addict, and when you have really poor self esteem, like you do, this all makes sense, including those 'grandiose states'.

But here I was just thinking out load. You are young and this is a tough age.

What I think will help you most would be if you could really become passionate about something in your life, even like the nursing you mentioned. When you work and feel competent, and have structure around something you really like, your self esteem goes up automatically, and the paycheck also helps. So does taking care of others in a way that it is really taking care of yourself as well.

I mean, this is much better structure than moving back in with your mother. i don't see that as being very therapeutic, but that also does not mean you shouldn't. Do what you have to do to get through and at the same time introduce something, and I am really thinking about a nursing career, or something like that and which really interests and moves you.

i am not sure about therapy. it makes sense, but it has been my experience, that therapy can also mess you up even more, and that it often really interferes with school and work. I would not recommend it except if you could find something like a really good psychodrama group where you live. (not as a way of diluting real therapy, and/or making it cheaper, but because in my experience this therapy is just the best. And you already have so much insight, and psychodrama is really motivating vs. the other type that you already have gone through forever.

If I were you, i would pay attention , and focus on healing, and pursuing something that really interests you and that is not all school but also has the practical side to it.

You don't need to live as the 'identified patient who is sick', and risking falling back again. you should concentrate not on what is wrong so much and what sucks in your life, and your problems but rather ion introducing, and filling up space and time with healthy and good stuff. That then automatically shrinks the space the bad takes up.

I see you as the type of person who can go anywhere, from sick to well depending on what is in your life, and therapy won't work for you ij my opinion to accomplish that. it will just make you think about yourself all day long,

Anyway, i am too tired to say more, but i really think you can do it, and that you have it in you, girl.

All the best, Katrin (not edited)

PS: you may have bipolar so don't take my word for this, OK. I am just not so sure as the other guys are about this. I mean, you don't have to have it to be having your symptoms.



Clyde
1906 days ago
I do think you should go back to the doctor yes. If you are acute enough to see all of this--and I am happy you are seeking help--then you must know you do need to get some kind of help.

Yes, please seek a doctors help soon.

Best,

Clyde



Ray311
788 days ago
I do believe in good in evil. And in your case, I do NOT believe you are evil. I think many of us can have times where we have thoughts of being the center of the universe and everything should just work the way we see fit. But the fact that you acknowledge this, to me does not show extreme narcissism. Even though I believe it to be more common for many folks to have cases of narcissism. I believe the fact that these things are a concern to you shows that despite the issues you face, your moral compass is indeed working. You seem to understand others emotions and feel the need for true genuine connections but maybe your just not sure how to get those connections or maybe there is a fear of these types of close connections which might stem from your traumatic past therefore you feel obligated toward a self sabotage solution. Nothing that cant be treated. I believe your impulsive behavior and current lifestyle are just a way you are living due to some more deeper issues regarding your traumatic past. It might not seem that way because there seems to be a lot of experiences you went through so maybe all that just seems like "the past" to you at times. You also aren't satisfied and happy with your current lifestyle which again, is evidence of a conscious, aware, and moral working compass. Maybe your need to excessively spend money and "thrill seeking" side (past drug problems, porn lifestyle) are/were ways in which to mask these deep rooted issues with yourself. I am not a professional, but I believe a lot of these "poor decision making skills" only root from traumatic experiences in the past and you are on constant coping mode. You are not evil. If you were evil, you would be out intentionally seeking ways to do evil among others, manipulate people to get what you want regardless of their emotions or rights without any thought or feeling of guilt as well as any concern toward yourself. You took the time to post this article to seek help. You desire a change and you can. These are all supreme and wonderful evidences of a great and positive desire therefore a good person. True sick, and evil doers rarely seek to change for the positive. I would recommend finding a good Psychologist and keep with up therapy. There is absolutely nothing wrong or crazy about seeking professional help. If everyone did this, the world would be very different. I wish you all the best. Take that first step and decide to yourself that you are going to change. Start by just making an appointment with a Psychologist. It helps immensely. I know from personal experience.

Best of luck,

Ray