Avatar Posted by unsure0fmyself 27 days ago (Question)
I just wrote this blog...it all just came pouring out. Maybe you can help me figure out what's wrong with me..I'm 20, female, and my mother has a lot of mental health problems (bipolar/ocd/depression/not sure/all of the above/?). I used to be treated for depression, anxiety, bipolar when I was in high school. I stopped going to treatment and have been much happier since. I think initial depression was real, but the rest of the diagnoses were based off of symptoms of medication I was prescribed. I'm usually happier than this, I think.

>>>>

It's 3:11 AM. I'm sitting here wondering how I got this far. 2007 seems so long ago. Could it really have only been two years? Why do I feel so old?

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. A quote keeps swimming around in my head. I'll share it with you:

I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.
-Ayn Rand

Am I losing myself? Who am I now? If I discount the men who have influenced my decisions and the medications I used to take, the last time I can truly say that I was "myself" would be in 7th grade. Is that fair to say? Why am I sitting here victimizing myself? Do I feel like I have been cheated out of a better life? That things would have been different if I had been more in "control?" My life is good! Why am I complaining? Because things aren't perfect? Because I'm scared to be 20-years-old and in such a serious, committed relationship? I can't blame the decisions I've made on anything or anyone other than myself. And why blame? Why don't I celebrate how far I've come? Why is this not enough for me? Why do I spend time thinking about what could be and who could be?

It's not fair to think that way when you are being supported by someone who loves you more than life itself. That being said, I still wish I could be independent. As a child, I never imagined myself like this. I always pictured myself being a successful woman who wouldn't need a man to lean on for anything. It's hard to grasp the reality that I am weak in that respect. Just a woman.

That's not fair to say either. Why can't I write anything without being critical of my own thoughts?

It still feels weird sometimes when I think about how much I love him. More times than not, he is my everything and I want him to be with me for eternity. Then there are nights like this...mornings...at 3:34 AM...when I think to myself, "I know everything about this person and I love him, but it has only been 20 months. Do I really love him more than my father of 20 years?" I don't know. In this moment, I don't. Tomorrow I will. The thing is that he doesn't know what I'm capable of. Or he does, but he chooses to ignore it because he thinks he can handle anything I throw at him. Why do I feel this urge to push him as close to the edge as possible? Why do I feel like I need to test these limits? Is it an easy way out? Is it to prove that this is real? I'm not sure I trust my motives or that any decisions I make are going to lead me down the path I want to be on. Where do I want to be?

Not here, not in this moment.

I saw [ex-boyfriend] again a couple weeks ago. It felt almost like I didn't know him anymore. It was very surreal and I couldn't picture myself ever having been in love with him. It was as if he was replaced with someone I didn't recognize. I wonder now if it is just that easy to fall out of love with anyone. To lose touch with everyone. Are any of us really meant to be together forever? Sometimes I have to catch myself because I start thinking that [my now, serious boyfriend] is just another man -that there may be others in my future. I get to thinking that my life is just a play and as the scenes change, one person exits left and a new character enters right. How do we determine who will get the curtain before the end of the show? Or by intermission? I feel like I've lost the script.


Answers

Written by bellacutie 27 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you for sharing. If possible could you please narrow it down to a couple specific questions? I think you're still very young and it's normal to start examining your life, where you're going in relationships and career wise. I sense you want to feel more independent - which brings the question - are you still in school or do you have a job?? It's sounds like you have a good relationship but you're questioning the long term stability due to your past experience with your ex. You talk about how you feel so disconnected from your ex and how much you/he changed and how people change. It's true sometimes we do outgrow relationships for whatever reasons. I suspect you're feeling like you're doomed for your present relationship to fail as well since people sometimes outgrow each other.

I think you need to figure out what would make you feel less dependent on your current BF(figuring out your career) - but still stay connected with him in a loving relationship. Ideally you both should be indepndent people who share a healthy relationship. It sounds like you're asking yourself important life questions. Sure it's good to examine your future but don't lose sight of living and appreciating lifes moments right now!! Best of luck,

Bella

Written by Clyde 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think youre just trying to figure out what is going in in your life, which is not such a bad thing.

You do need to find a way to be more reliant on yourself.

Writing is a great thing to do.

Best,

Clyde


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