I'm 36, a female. I have been unemployed since May of 2011. One day, almost 4 years to the month (october 2008), I had a surgery. Three days later I had a grand mal seizure. The following months I thought I was going crazy and was an emotional mess. Nobody seemed to understand, and I've been through the whole gammit of docors and medications. I had a great job... possibly like the one thing I felt really good about on the inside. I had my son the year I graduated high school (17 yrs old now), and I went through a lot, but I was determined and got my degree in 2004 - it took about ten years because I was a single mom at the time, holding down a job, going to college, studying, being a mother, and also feeling pretty much, as I have all of my life, that nobody around me was aware - knew me. I felt so weak so much of the time and wanted someone strong in my life, but I was always the strong one. I think after this seizure, something very strange occurred. I mean to say, I woke and was not me anymore. And it has not changed. I kept thinking it was temporary, but I don't think it is. I keep wondering if it is part of becoming older, but I don't know. I used to be super warm toward other people, laughed all of the time, was a great listener and just loved life. I also had more faith then than I do now. I'm really disappointed in myself. I quit my job last year b/c I had already taken two leaves of absence and then was on intermittent leave and was singled out by a new supervisor they transferred me to while I was gonee. So... I often regret walking away from this "idea" that I was so desparately working toward to give my son a better life. Now I feel like I've fallen off the deep end and cannot identify with that woman who bore a child, took on 2 jobs if I had to, and kept myself in school as best I could until I did succeed and get that degree. Now I feel worthless. I am married, got married in 2001. I got breast implants that year, too, because I hated my physical body. I have been really hard on myself about my appearance and womenn's value beyond that. It is almost like I objectify myself and other woman maybe even worse than a man might. I think I got that from my father. In and out of my life and a lot of problems there. It was strange because after the surgery and seizure I began to identify myself again with that little girl. I feel worthless and lost, but I also chastise myself daily for being "lazy" and "stupid." I need a job, but I feel like I suck. Something happened at my last job.. . like, when I came back and felt so lost, I could have really used some "friends." Instead, people kind of avoided me and talked behind my back. Office gossip was common in this corporate environment, and when I became the object of those comments and stares... I just started to retreat to my office, and no one reached out. I think I lost a bit of my faith in humanity... and then I got bitter because I would never treat someone who was in my position the way I was treated. I feel like I was always really helpful and hopeful to other people. Anyway, I'm almost a hermit now. So reclusive. I am completely the opposite of all that I used to be, and I don't know how to deal with this new person. What happened, and will I EVER recognize within myself the person I kind of both need and want to be; you can't fake that... a personality is specific to an individual. I feel like mine has been robbed. Okay, there is a LOT more going on with me, but this is just a start to what I hope is some frank dialogue with some compassionate people. I have never done this before, but I was looking around on the internet for motivational stuff and found this website, so I thought, "why not?" I thank anyone who is willing to read this and who may be able to identify with some or all of what is going on with me. Thank you!


Answers


bella
689 days ago
Hi Bluemuse37 - I'm sorry you're struggling. Did the doctors explain exactly what went wrong to cause the seizure? Have you ever had a CAT scan done on your brain? Speak with your doctor and ask if that would be a good test to get. The brain is a delicate organ and can cause psychological /personality changes. I'm sorry you feel your life was so affected like this. Kudos to you for having such a drive in getting an education and taking care of your son.

Are you on any medications ATM? How's your lifestyle - I recommend eating very healthy and start a regular exercise program. Try to focus on getting stronger and find something that interests you. Maybe speaking with a therapy will help. I hope things get better for you and keep the faith.



Chelle8892
688 days ago
You are NOT a different person. Do NOT let your situation get you down. You are still that strong woman, but sometimes... no matter how strong we put on we ALL still need some support. You dont suck. you are just @ a hult. Things will get better, but they cany unless you work on it. first things first , Pray, then work on what you prayed for. You can do whatever you want in life but nothings easy. You can wish to be the best Dancer, but if your siting at home moping that can not happen. You have to practice and go to dance classes and if your really determind you can accoplish ALOT! you want a job? Go tomorrow and fill out every application u get. @least do 15 apps a week. i promise u you will get a job within 3 months but you have to be willing to PUT IN SOME WORK>>>>

take any job, this isnt the time to be picky. even if its being your local mall janitor. That will be a start then grow from there. You will find u a great job in time. TIME HEALS ALL.

next why are you looking for other people to help u feel better about your situation. you are a young mom. i bet my top dollar if u died tomorrow i know one person that will miss u the most. your 17 y.o baby boy. he is your motivation and strength and he is there for u. FORGET WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF U!!! you have a son that prob looks up to u and knows ur hurting.... talk to him on a interlectual level... kids are smart now a days he understands u better than any1 else .... u raised him''



depresseddude26
687 days ago
Everyday I wake up and my outlook on life changes. I don't have a consistent perspective of who I am or what I want. Sometimes I open up to others and somedays I just want to be left alone. I sleep most of the time and I feel like I'm going through life with no purpose.



Hummingtime
687 days ago
Yes. Everyday I wake up I am different. It is weird



Bluemuse37
683 days ago
Thank you guys so much! I appreciate your honesty above all. A few things have touched my mind and heart, which you all have helped point out. Even though I deal with pain everyday, I've GOT to get out and try a little harder. I need to do a few small simple things (that can seem HUGE at times) to be healthier and more pro-active in getting a job, and yes, any job. I can't be too picky right now. I am glad that I have faith, and I have to pray... maybe i should stop talking so much to God and instead just put a few actual questions to Him then sit back, shut off my mouth and mind, and let HIM do the answering and guiding. Sometimes i think maybe i don't turn off my thinker long enough to actually HEAR His message, you know? i know something has to change, and i want to be a productive part of society again. I'm so proud of who my son is, and yeah, I guess I should take credit for some of that... how he's turned out. He definitely cares about me and is in tune with how i'm feeling no matter how I try to hide it... I don't like that. I don't want to burden my child. So, I'm also glad to hear a couple of you admit that every day can be challenging or maybe inconsistent? I feel like I should wake up everyday and be exactly perfectly this "idea" in my mind of what a "good" person is... then when I fail, it's all over (I know, dramatic, but what can I say just being honest) - it's as if I lose hope really quickly the first time I "screw" up in my own mind. Well, I can't be perfect, but I can start somewhere. I guess the only difficult setback is like, I went out on Wednesday the whole day - I was out for probably 8 hours (like, what would be a work day), and for the next 2 days I suffered a great deal of pain physically. I have mentioned that i have fibromyalgia, and it is a very complicated set of things that otherwise are seemingly unconnected to one another: IBS, pain of all different kinds and intensities, depression is linked to it, but maybe God is making me stronger. I have to buck up and be stronger in my mind... after all, like you said, I did what i did for my son and for a better life. My dad tried to get me to have an abortion, but I felt very strongly about that, so I had my son and am so proud, so glad that I did. He is my heart! Maybe i can think of him when i'm out looking for a job - I really hate looking for a job and interviewing, but they are a means to an end. Thanks to all four of you! And yes, i do have a network of doctors - I need to use them more. My biggest problem has been fear and avoidance, so when i feel good, I'll do anything - go to my appts, clean house, look for work, but when i'm down and really need to do those things more than ever, that's when i drop the ball and crawl up on the couch and sleep or just watch tv to avoid my own thoughts. I guess that's the biggest problem of depression is that the cure is often right under your nose but it is the disease that almost keeps you frozen in place from reaching out and grabbing life. Ten years ago my old self would have wanted to kick this new me's bum for acting like what i would have said was so weak and stupid... now that I understand it's not a deliberate choice, I've also found a lot more humility for the disease and fr people who suffer all sorts of things. I think that is a good thing. I am new to this site, but if I can find your questions on here, I'll try to repay your kindness by looking you up and sharing some insight and hope for you all as well. Blessings to each of you on your own journey to joy and freedom.