I'm 36, a female. I have been unemployed since May of 2011. One day, almost 4 years to the month (october 2008), I had a surgery. Three days later I had a grand mal seizure. The following months I thought I was going crazy and was an emotional mess. Nobody seemed to understand, and I've been through the whole gammit of docors and medications. I had a great job... possibly like the one thing I felt really good about on the inside. I had my son the year I graduated high school (17 yrs old now), and I went through a lot, but I was determined and got my degree in 2004 - it took about ten years because I was a single mom at the time, holding down a job, going to college, studying, being a mother, and also feeling pretty much, as I have all of my life, that nobody around me was aware - knew me. I felt so weak so much of the time and wanted someone strong in my life, but I was always the strong one. I think after this seizure, something very strange occurred. I mean to say, I woke and was not me anymore. And it has not changed. I kept thinking it was temporary, but I don't think it is. I keep wondering if it is part of becoming older, but I don't know. I used to be super warm toward other people, laughed all of the time, was a great listener and just loved life. I also had more faith then than I do now. I'm really disappointed in myself. I quit my job last year b/c I had already taken two leaves of absence and then was on intermittent leave and was singled out by a new supervisor they transferred me to while I was gonee. So... I often regret walking away from this "idea" that I was so desparately working toward to give my son a better life. Now I feel like I've fallen off the deep end and cannot identify with that woman who bore a child, took on 2 jobs if I had to, and kept myself in school as best I could until I did succeed and get that degree. Now I feel worthless. I am married, got married in 2001. I got breast implants that year, too, because I hated my physical body. I have been really hard on myself about my appearance and womenn's value beyond that. It is almost like I objectify myself and other woman maybe even worse than a man might. I think I got that from my father. In and out of my life and a lot of problems there. It was strange because after the surgery and seizure I began to identify myself again with that little girl. I feel worthless and lost, but I also chastise myself daily for being "lazy" and "stupid." I need a job, but I feel like I suck. Something happened at my last job.. . like, when I came back and felt so lost, I could have really used some "friends." Instead, people kind of avoided me and talked behind my back. Office gossip was common in this corporate environment, and when I became the object of those comments and stares... I just started to retreat to my office, and no one reached out. I think I lost a bit of my faith in humanity... and then I got bitter because I would never treat someone who was in my position the way I was treated. I feel like I was always really helpful and hopeful to other people. Anyway, I'm almost a hermit now. So reclusive. I am completely the opposite of all that I used to be, and I don't know how to deal with this new person. What happened, and will I EVER recognize within myself the person I kind of both need and want to be; you can't fake that... a personality is specific to an individual. I feel like mine has been robbed. Okay, there is a LOT more going on with me, but this is just a start to what I hope is some frank dialogue with some compassionate people. I have never done this before, but I was looking around on the internet for motivational stuff and found this website, so I thought, "why not?" I thank anyone who is willing to read this and who may be able to identify with some or all of what is going on with me. Thank you!
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