Over the holiday weekend my 16 yr old daughter was date raped in the basement of her Aunt's home by her Aunt's 16 yr old stepson...her brother who is 17 was in the house at the time but unaware of what happened. There was drinking involved as well, of that he was aware. My daughter, who had just turned 16 two days before, was a virgin and had never drank before. We are working on this. Her brother, however,who is a high achieving, super stressed senior in high school and is waiting to hear about early acceptance (actually tomorrow) at several ivy leagues he is likely to be admitted to-he is very very protective of his sister, their father is mentally ill and they have been through some hard times in the past (the aunt who's home they were at is their father's sister-she is generally a very responsible adult-she is also unaware). My daughter is vehemently opposed to telling her brother whom she is afraid will be devastated by the knowledge, and hold himself responsible. I tend to agree, he does have a way of holding himself responsible for every damn thing in the world. She however, is exhibiting signs of ptsd and hasn't been able to attend school since-luckily they do go to different schools but trying to get her help and give her support at the same time keeping this from her brother is making a very difficult situation even more so, compounded by the fact that our living space is pretty small. I feel that on the one hand he should be told out of respect for him as well as to open up another source of support for his sister but on the other I fear he will be completely devastated-they are very close and have a really awesome relationship but he often takes her safety on to himself, and when I remind him he is not her father he replies someone has to be (their father is not really present as a parental influence, although involved in their lives) There is also the issue that they have finally achieved a pretty good relationship w/ their father which I think will also destroy-he is bound to blame him as well. I don't think he can handle this, I really don't. This could derail him for quite some time. what to do? I am trying to get her into a intensive outpatient program, barring that a possible in patient-I am pretty sure he is aware something is wrong -I basically have told him she is having a depressive episode (she once was in iop program for depression in the past) I am thinking to wait until he hears from these colleges or maybe if we get her in the program, during a family session. I don't know...I cannot tell you how incredibly stressful trying to give her what she needs to heal at the same time keeping this from her brother and not to mention trying to get to work full time this is.....Help!
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Answers
You sound like an amazing mother to both of your children. But I think you are complicating things. Your son knows something is going on. He should be informed. He will be angry later on if he was not told, which will be worse for everyone. You daughter also needs his support. Keeping this information quiet also reinforces shame in date rape situations. Also, your daughter should know that she can press charges against the individual. This can be empowering and help with the depression. You need a really good therapist experienced in sex crimes and family counseling. Good luck.
You know, I think he does know....she is not yet ready to deal with telling him, so. We are going this morning for an intake for admission to an intensive outpatient program...maybe in the context of that program???
I'm sorry to hear of this victimization. Trying to keep it secret is a natural part of the issue. But if the brother finds out, it might be a catapult for imo HE needs to learn to handle life issues and sounds like he could use some therapy also.
The main emphasis is immediate treatment for your daughter. You didn't share if she went to an ER or rape center at all, nor if she is in any kind of therapy right now. Waiting is not good. The sooner she can be helped to process what happened to her, the easier (not easy) it will be to move on with life. PTSD is a beast of a disorder and needs direct attention. Even if that therapy changes soon down the road, it will be the same road overall.
The brother can be told when she is not around, and given time and effort to help him realize the type of support she needs from him. He could really be a pivotal aspect of her healing, if he can do that. Maybe go with HIM to a therapist so you can work through the knowledge and find out good support together?
This is time for an adult decision, regardless of what your daughter "fears." Don't do this with her, but inform her it's the right thing to do. Adding stress to your lives at this point is not a good decision.
Focus needs to be on the victim, and not those around her, imo. BTW I still consider her a virgin. Take care.
Sorry, editing isn't working. ;)
"it might catapult him to go for therapy, imo. HE needs to learn how to handle life issues, and it sounds like he could use some therapy also."
It's not your secret. Be sure to get permission from your daughter before you start sharing her private information with others, including her brother.
I think it would be best for him to attend a family counseling session where he was told in the presence of a counselor/social worker. That way, he know it was a part of his sister's recovery. It's about her.
If he needs further counseling then he should have his own counselor. He does have a lot of stress with the college thing.
Remember, you are not your kids' counselor. You are the Mother. They really just need your hugs and motherly guidance. You are not responsible for their feelings. And, if you need counseling, please don't hesitate to seek out it.
I'd give you a big hug if I could. ((((((((((((Cyberhug to you))))))))))))