Avatar Posted by JunieBeatrice 47 days ago (Question)
Hi everyone. This is the first time I have asked a question although sometimes I answer questions. I just feel a little stuck and hopefully someone will be able to relate. So I have been in therapy for 1.5 years approximately. Mostly to deal with Post Traumatic Stress brought on by childhood abuse. But I also self-harm via cutting and burning myself. For me it is about managing emotions. Not having to feel too intense. Not feeling any anger at all. When the sadness gets too much etc. Normally my therapist takes the attitude of "do what you need to do." But I think that is shifting as she has asked me to work on coming up with another way to get all that out. I know lots of ways to not engage in self harm that are distraction techniques. I know all about writing on my arms with red pen and listening to music and waiting 15 minutes and then 15 more. My question really is about how to deal with emotions. Like how to start to allow myself to feel angry. How to handle feeling really sad. That kind of thing. I am kind of stuck and kind of scared and also just not knowing how to procede. I kind of thought about writing down when I want to hurt myself like, how it would be helping, like if it was a release or to not feel something but I do not know if that is a good idea. I am sorry if this is not making a ton of sense, I just kind of was hoping for some direction on how to start this, if anyone has some ideas to help me out. Also I am a little worried I will not be able to actually do this. I have hurt myself for so long I am not sure if I can just start feeling now in a normal way just all the sudden like. Anyway, thanks in advance. Junie


Answers

Written by Chemar 46 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

((((Junie))))

I know others here are far better equipped to give you helpful answers on this so I just wanted to leave you a hug.

Writing down how you feel may be a release. Have you ever tried painting or drawing? I know sometimes that can also provide a way to feel and release emotions.

more (((hugs)))

Written by JunieBeatrice 46 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Chemar, thanks for listening and for caring and thanks for the hug. I do write emails to my therapist (because I do not talk much) and I do paint and draw and go for walks and all of that does release a little bit but it just seems to be a distraction from not harming myself. Thanks for responding though and for the suggestions. All my best, Junie

Written by bellacutie 46 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Junie,

thank you for the contribution you've made with answering questons here. I also admire your courage in coming forth with your own issues.

I'm sure you're educated with self injury and the techniques and coping skills available. Have you joined the self injury forum here at PC - there's some helpful info at the top('sticky posts')You're probably also aware that when people self injure - they get an endorphin rush. One of the best ways to replace that feeling would be vigorous exercise. Have you heard of the technique of holding ice cubes in your hands. I tried it and boy, does it ever HURT!!

You say you feel the need to get in touch with your sadness and angry side. I would imagine since you were abused, that you weren't allowed to express those emotions - so you learned to suppress them. This is why you self injure. I'm a little concerned about you doing this on your own - it might be better to do it in therapy. Have you heard of the 'empty chair' in therapy - where you have a conversation with your abuser, who you imagine is in the chair?

You could imagine that you're telling that child in you -"it's okay to feel sadness and feel angry" - "you had/have the right to those feelings - they're yours to own".

Sometimes when I'm mad I'll just punch and scream into pillows. You might consider taking a martial arts class or self defense where you can punch and scream all you want. When expressing anger - I want to make it clear that I'm talking about constructive anger - not blowing up when ever you feel like it LOL. I can understand why you're worried about feeling those emotions because it opens up new areas of pain and that's scary. You also may be worried that it might thrust you further into depression where you'll have a hard time recovering.

For the sadness I would recommend journalling and looking at old family pictures. Once again the 'empty chair therapy' would be great for this. Relaxation therapy would also be good to learn, as this would help restore a feeling of calm once you feel the sadness or anger. During relaxation, you can also imagine yourself as a child, hugging her and telling her it's okay to feel now.

Once you're able to feel sadness and anger - the next step would be forgiveness. I don't know if you've considered forgiveness at all yet. Some people get upset and say "how can I forgive the person who caused me that pain?" But forgiveness isn't validating or condoning the abuser - it's actually for the victim so they don't have to carry the burden anymore or feel bothered their whole life.

When a child's abused, the child automatically thinks it's their fault and they're not lovable. You need to know this isn't true. The reality is, this person was most likely a wounded soul who was possibly abused themselves or at least was dealing with some tough life issues. They were ill equipped to raise a child in a healthy environment. Unfortunately not all people who have babies are qualified to raise them!! When you think this way it takes the burden from the child, so it's not their fault - they are lovable!! Of course you still need to address the pain.

I think your therapist should also give you some suggestions, since you're ready to feel those emotions. I think once you work through them, you'll feel a great release. I wish you the best in your journey - remember you're entitled to your emotions. I wanted to give you the best answer, since you always do that for people here. All the best Junie, hugs Bella.:)

Written by JunieBeatrice 46 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks Bella, you gave a really good response. You gave me a lot to think about, I am still not totally sure where to start but I am trying to breathe a lot very deeply whenever things start to feel like too much and I am starting to think how it may be to feel different emotions. I also talked to a friend on the phone today and let her know what was up and knowing that I do not have to go it all alone really helped me not feel as scared about it, even though I am still scared. I am sure my therapist will be brilliant as normal in due time, just when she brought it up in session this week, I was okay at the time but then got all worried and anxious afterwards. Thanks for all the support and the response. Junie

Written by Clyde 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you are coming along well. Writing in a journal will help show you why you are doing what you are doing (cutting) and give you a better idea of when and why you do it, so you can possibly find ways to deal with it (healthier ways) better later on.

It is OKAY to be scared--no one expects you NOT to be.

Best,

Clyde

Written by JunieBeatrice 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks, Clyde!

Written by dusky1 43 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

hey...i wanted to send you a hug too...so *hugz hugz*....I think that you're on the right track already, being aware of these things is the first step to recovery. Don't stress too much, it will take time, bt am sure you'll get there.

Wanted to share something with you....never told anyone this before....don't think I ever will face to face....I find it personally disturbing in a sense.

Here goes: It's how I deal with stress.....

I grew up with a very emotionally, physically and mentally abusive single mother. My thoughts and opinions were suppressed because I could not voice my opinion to her. Anyway, I don't know when it started, but i learnt this very complicated technique of neutralizing my thoughts and emotions.

What happens is that when someone tells me something that's painful or something, usually related to something caused by my mother's abuse, I would just 'shelve it' until later when I could properly neutralize it.

So for eg, if someone ignored me (which my mother did, which sends blood rushing to my brain), I would 'shelve it' till I got home or somewhere quiet, though i prefer home, where I would neutralize it, by thinking something like 'one day they'll regret that....for whatever reason' or in extreme circumstances, I would actually have to resort to belittling people in my mind, by convincing myself that they're worthless, i'm better than them, etc, etc...which is the part I find embarrassing.

I don't like to think of ppl like that.

But what it does is counteract the pain, so I actually started feeding off of negativity, because it began to motivate me. I started wanting to prove ppl wrong. If someone said I was a failure...I would flip it...and think of them as failures and worthless shit and believe that one day, I would be great and they would regret it.

stuff like that...I can get really cruel...in my head....but it really works.

I can actually pull out these 'files' at any point and recreate the emotions to motivate myself or get pumped up (crazy I know) I don't know if it's unhealthy, it doesn't feel so, I enjoy ppl thinking I can't do something...it's hugely motivating, because of that ability of mine to flip it in my mind. it's like adrenaline rushing to my brain, it's quite exhilarating and I tend to yearn for it at times (again, I know it sounds crazy).

Problem with that is...i tend to look down on people sometimes and I can almost 'do no wrong' because I can always manipulate myself into thinking that i'm right.

Which i don't too like, so i tend to chose wisely how intense my mind manipulating is and see if i can use something else to fix the pain.

Over time, i have become quite skilled at it, to the point that people don't even know when am upset....because my brain automatically shelves the feeling for later and so I would go on within the situation without so much as a hint that i've been upset.

That actually annoys people because they think that I don't care or I have no emotions, or am ignoring them, or whatever they say goes in one ear and comes out the other....but i really can't help it at times...because of it however, it allows me to think rationally in emotion filled situations which is good most of the time.

but basically, what am tryna tell u is....it's a mind thing...practice something similar to what I do, if not the same thing, learn to manipulate your mind. Easier said than done, I know.,,,,but it works....for me anyway.

And keep the faith....I'm rooting for you! Just wanted to share!


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