Avatar Posted by SuperInferior 269 days ago (Question)
I'll make this short because this is like the third time I've written this. >.<
I'm a 17 year old who tried to commit suicide the friday just gone at around 3 in the morning. The day had been ok but within 10 minutes I went extremely suicidal and tried to slit my wrists which failed and then took an overdose. Ironically which also failed.
I was wondering if this counts as depressed. Personally I don't feel depressed. I feel stressed I think. Because I'm trying to live up to what I am normally like and I keep trying without thinking to be happy and over energetic and funny and nice, when I feel grumpy and irritable and unsociable.
I had the feeling I was going to get depressed like before (around 2 years ago a bit less) when I thought about death all the time etc. and I self harmed almost every other day and cried all the time and lost almost all my friends because they didn't like who I'd become.
So I got scared I'd be like that again and everytime I felt myself slipping (for the past 7/8 months) I'd fight to keep myself happy. Usually by getting even more ecitable and high.
So everyone at college now thinks I'm naturally high and happy and funny and excitable (not high on drugs mind you...)
This has tired me out so much that in the 10 minutes I suddenly let myself go and try to commit suicide, I incidentally used up all of my energy I had for keeping me going and now I seem to have lost the engery to talk to people and be interested in things, and my long term goals seem unimportant and I feel bored all the time but I can't concentrate on work at college and stuff.
It's like the symptoms you have of a person before they get suicidal have come AFTER I tried and I'm wondering if that makes me more or less likely to be depressed. I don't feel depressed. Life doesn't seem as hopeless as it did when I was really down, it just seems like I shouldn't be here. Like the failed attempts shouldn't have happened and I was supposed to have died last week.
I'm going to see my doctor on monday and CBT seems the best with the possibilit of anitdepressants, but while I don't feel depressed I want the antidepressants and I'm scared either he won't agree to me having them or I won't be alowed them for long enough.

I'm constantly battling with my emotions, and I'm not sure if this is normal and I'm just whining about it more than everyone else, or if it's abnormal.

I mean for symptoms I tick the boxes of either depressed or manic (for bipolar ones)depending on my mood. I either am being told by others I'm too 'hyper' or excitable or loud etc when I'm sure I'm normal but in a good mood, or I feel like crap, which most people don't mention on, but most people feel like crap by what I can tell.
But I like being happier even if other people have a hard time keeping up with me and I'm too loud. Because then I don't care what other people think of me and I feel good and I like everyone and everything, and everything looks like an artwork and everything is bright and interesting and good and I like myself most of all.
But when I'm like this I'm just a crap person. To be blunt.
I guess everyone feels like that and it depends on how you word it as to how a doctor will interpret it, but personally I don't think I'm functioning well with the range of emotions I'm capable of feelin,because they blur my sense of self and I need my sense of self to identify with others. Does that make sense?
I don't want to be dul though, I get that when I'm down too, and being dull increases my risk of suicide.
I'm worried I might have an energy burst that makes me suicidal like last week and need to know how to prevent it at least untill I see my doctor on Monday.
Is this just normal stress or is it like depression or a mood disorder??


Answers

Written by Edahn 269 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It seems like you're exhausted, maybe depressed, and putting a lot of stress on yourself to be someone else, someone more acceptable, someone who doesn't suffer. That's all really normal, in my opinion. I see lots of people doing this, although maybe to a slightly lesser degree. It seems like you put ENORMOUS pressure on yourself to be someone else.

Is there a way you can be sad but not jump on every impulse to injure yourself by either taking your life or harming yourself? I get sad sometimes, but when I do I just let myself be sad for as long as it takes (usually under 2 days). The key is that I remember to stay responsible, even when being sad might make me want to make others sad with me. At that point, I end up connecting with myself and can find things that sooth me in healthy way (like calligraphy, or listening to music) rather than unhealthy ways (hurting other people, or sabotaging myself).

If you can let yourself be a little sad while staying responsible and not chasing every impulse you might get to self-sabotage, I think you might see that it's not as bad as you think, and that it eventually goes away.

Once you've taken the pressure off of yourself to always be happy and excited and reconnect with yourself, you can free up some mental resources to find other things that really connect with you and make you feel calm, like emo music or writing, or just talking with friends.

A good way to get this process going is to visualize yourself as a person who is calm, slightly sad, but dealing with that sadness intelligently and with wisdom -- instead of self-injuring, staying connected and staying hopeful that you'll be okay. The more detail you imagine, the better. It might be hard at first, since you may not see that as an option, but practice and keep your eyes open. You'll probably find that there are people all around you who are slightly sad but who are okay with it and responsible with it. You can use them as a model.

It's hard for me to hear people like you want to hurt themselves because I don't think they realize what kind of potential they have. When you work this out (again, not by force, but with patience and responsibility) you can help an enormous amount of people going through the same thing. You know what it's like and that's a very sacred thing. It's information you can't teach someone in class. You might think this is just a curse, but it could also be thought of as a blessing waiting to be revealed.

*(manly) hug*

Written by SuperInferior 269 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you I appreciate your help and the idea if a new image. I do try to sum up my image in the most positive way but I always seem to iliminate negative emotions or responses from that image. However, it's not unrealistic nd I don't think the pressure is so much, sometimes for months at a time I CAN be optimistic and happy, but when I'm not like that I feel like I'm ot myself, but then I wonder if the art of me I like is like myself, and questioning your whole being is stupid. I should accept both sides as part of me, but as the traits that come along with those moods have absolutely no similarities I feel as though it's like a different person. As a result I want to choose the 'me' I like best.

It's not all the time I get such impulses, but I think I'm suicidal underneath it all most the time, but normally it is very very weak and with no emotion so it doesn't bother me, it's more like an empty thought.

As for emo music, I find it annoying, I am not emo! lol And sad music makes me worse, I need loud or cheerful music.

I do art and such, but I'm not so good at it when I'm down, which naturally makes it worse. I mean, everything that works at making me possitive seems to cease working when I reach a certain level. And after that attempt at suicide I think I've reached that level again.

Written by Edahn 268 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I get what you're going through, completely. I also have trouble merging the parts of me I don't like with the parts I cherish. My friend Francesca would probably say that the good parts and bad parts are interdependent, and that they exist because of each other.

I think she's just nuts, though. :) She's right, but it takes a while to accept and see that clearly. You're 17 now, but the fact that you're already asking these critical questions gives me a lot of hope, and it should give you hope, too.

"It's not all the time I get such impulses, but I think I'm suicidal underneath it all most the time, but normally it is very very weak and with no emotion so it doesn't bother me, it's more like an empty thought."

That's fine, just remember that it's just an impulse or thought, and you don't have to obey it. You're like the President being presented with options (impulses, thoughts), but the final choice is yours.

"As for emo music, I find it annoying"

YOU'RE annoying! lol

"I do art and such, but I'm not so good at it when I'm down, which naturally makes it worse. I mean, everything that works at making me possitive seems to cease working when I reach a certain level."

I get that. Maybe you could just watch a little TV or take a walk in town.

"And after that attempt at suicide I think I've reached that level again."

Same as before. Remember that it's just an impulse or a wretched feeling. You decide what to do with it, whether to sabotage or find an alternative way of dealing with it.

Emo music 4eva,

Edahn

Written by SuperInferior 267 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Ahh yeah, I like that 'president' idea. I'm definately gonna use that one. Thanks a lot dude, you're a big help. he he

And I'm sorry if I offended you're Emo music. lmao

And I'll return a manly hug, or at least a hug as manly as I can give. lol

Written by Edahn 267 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

;)

Rock on!

Written by Clyde 266 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

It definitely does sound like you need a rest :)

Good luck and glad Edahn helped you!

Best,

Clyde


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