Ex is not only copying my style but currently pretty much a lot more. From what I understand, she also was very jealous of my husband and try to do what he does for the kids which she sees that they enjoy or care about.

He says she is not happy that we are together based on some of her actions. She asks alot of questions about personal details about me from the kids and my Husband !

Asked about I wanting children acted as though she was worried that if I did not soon. All with my husband and then spoke to the kids to the boy where were crying at dinenr during a vacation that I should not have kids of my own as they have gone through too much. It was such a nightmare. My husband in turn does not want kids now and claims there is only a slight chance and now it is over. I will not have married him if he did not wanted kids. It was a dream and the one thing I asked for in the relationship. HE asks me question like "is this what you married me for ?" I am devastated.

She tried to get the kids to hate me when she went through a divorce and instigated that she is marrying my husband which means I am in the way.

THe oldest had problems with her. He cared and loved me more. She was oh never happy about it. Now, he is not close me to anymore because she has said some bad things about me and he does not ask me becos, he cannot talk to me or email me when the kids are there but she will call anytime when kids are with us and interrupt our meals or demand why he did not pick up her calls when he is talking to me. ANd he worries about mentioning it is me in my custody time and says someone in front of me.

I am not unreasonable I can understand that some of it is difficult but she was also a step-mom and did stuff too.
BEcos the other mom was not unreasonable about it. She has one rule for herself and one rule for others.

There are a lot of things I cannot do for the kids. But if she can't she just dumps things on us and except us to pick up her slack.

She wants my help but without any credit or love by the kids towards me.

It did not bother her not having her kids on Mothers day becos, she wanted to make sure that my husband has a hard time having the boys on Fathers day. She tried to make it her current husband's day. But once she got the divorce, she legally had it that she will always have them on mothers day.

She is also a chronic lier. And will say anything and everything to convice people which people do fall for including my husband.

Because, I spend very little time thinking or worrying about her except when I know she is trying to mess up something. Like trying to get away for a night with her boyfriend and dumping the kids on us when we already had plans for valentine knowing we do not have the kids. And lying first that she is going to the emergency room as she was not well.

She is lazy and insist on getting drivers license for my older boy and got him to start driving one week after his 16 b'day. Brinfing his younger brother early morning during traffic

ANd tried many many times to get my older boy to ask me to let him drive his younger brother to school which is a mile away becos it looked bad on her.

I refused as we did not want him driving since we drive them anyway. ANd definitely not having to take responsibility for his younger brother. I told him many times that I am happy to drive both of them to school. And if he insists on driving himself I am still responsible for his younger brother. I just did not want him to worry when he has a lot of stuff going on for him with having to deal with school, sat, college etc.

Copying.

I moved over from overseas so my way of life is different perhaps from most people in America.

I use to put up interesting articles and positive wordings for the kidss to read. I was afraid as they were braty and negative in their upbringing. Ex went and told everyone that she is all about putting up postitive signs. I was taken aback since she never did but I let it go as it is a good thing.

She copies whatever I cook so the kids get tired and I have to think about something new. I had a very hard time feeding the kids. I work full time and try to make meals that are healthy. I have 2 very picky and fussy eaters. It drove me nuts.

I have a medical condition low sugar and low blood pressure. THe kids have seen me having some trouble in the mornings. My hands shake terribly if did not drink or eat something sustaining first thing in the morning. So I told them about it. ALso, during the trips, I have to eat or drink before we can start a day. So, they always bring it up. The kids use to feel bad about it. I think they told her.

She had high blood pressure for about 5 years Now the last couple of months she is claiming she has low sugar is going to the extreme of it all. Blood testing, getting a glucaone. So, it seems like she is trying to get the attention and kids keep saying that she has what I have.

I am not sure, whatever she says my husband and kids believe. I can understand about the kids. But husband, I don't get it.

She had boy cut hair all her life and parts from the left and starting having shoulder lenth hair like me and parts on the right now like me.

I have a distingtive quiet voice and speak in a certain way and she had the opposite and now started talking like me. She is not able to have my slight british accent. Today, she called 2 or 3 times ( i can see her number) and listened to my voice recording and then quietly hanged up. She had no idea that I was looking. Both my kids were home so it cannot be them.

This all might look random but it does not with the series of event.

She started dressing like me. Unlike her, I do not wear shorts or tights like she use to. I tend to wear dresses, jeans and wide leg pants.

I hand gesture a lot and tilt my head in pictures which is kind of natural for me as with my mom. SHe has started to do that. It is really freaky seeing her do something as though she is keepin up with me to the point where husband and kids are keep comparing that she has or looks and it is very disturbing.

IT has past the point of feeling flattered which I don't feel comfortable that someone is watching me this closely and observing my move. I have never been one to draw attention to myself. Unlike her she will let everyone know about things and seek for attention.

I feel that she is trying to shadow me and wants to be discussed in our household. We do keep her at bay. But she always wants to know what my husband and I are up to and how our relationship is going. She also asks the kids a lot of questions.

Last night was the last straw. Her way of making people think something is to over do everything to the point that people have to believe what she says.

I feel invaded in someways with how my family and I are without she constantly trying to share whatever little attention I get.

I am glad I finally wrote about it. I do feel really bad about it even though I do not let her see it at all.


Answers


Francesca
1900 days ago
Lol! Where to begin?

I think the most important thing to remember are these facts:

1) She is and will always be a part of her children's life

2) If you were getting with your husband while they were still divorcing, there are going to be a lot of ill feelings to deal with

3) You don't have to share lives

4) The kids well being is most important and they shouldn't be thrown in the middle of anything else.

I suggest you, your husband, and his ex all get together and come up with a set of mutually agreed upon guidelines and boundaries. You need to all agree on how the children will be raised, and any big life events they will encounter until the age of 18.

To be honest, I see a lot of immaturity happening here, on all sides. If you guys cannot communicate civilly to work together and find solutions, then perhaps trying to do so in counseling may help. Where all of you are mediated by an unbiased third party.

Once you all have gotten together and worked out compromises and boundaries, agree to follow those rules, and forget everyone else exists beyond that. Enjoy leading independent lives.

As far as her copying you, imitation is the best form of flattery. Let her copy you. Who cares? You are still the original you.



kvd
1900 days ago
1) I know - she breaks the rules while we keep it. And does not care even though we bring it out when it really stresses to have her always find some ways or other to try to get involve in our lives.

2) I was not in the picture or knew they existed. she was already married again for a few years when my husband and I met. We were very supportive towards her when her relationship did not work for the sake of our kids. While she turned on me.

3) I agree - she really pushed it when I first moved over always being a 3some and taking up our times. I was compeltely taken aback and just took it in. I was very concern of the welling being the kids. She never spoke to him much before I arrived. Infact will not communicate.

4) It upsets us that she pulls them in the middle of things. How can you talk to kids about adult stuff? I don't think they should be dealing with it. Kids need to live like kids, stufy, have fun and enjoy life. Stres gets way too stressful We tell them not to get involve even if their mom tells them stuff since they bring it up to us. We say what we feel is appropriate or what their counselor have told us. But if gets too far. We try to discuss it with their counselors to do what is best. We have done this many times. My hubby and I have an agreement that he deals with her. We found out the hard way that she pulled him recently into a legal case that she will say anything to win.

It is hard communicating, the less we communicate the less problems we have dealing with her. that is the conclusion. Our stress level is really high dealing with her. It is just getting harder as we grow older.

sometimes - you can wake a person who is a sleep but I think it is hard to do that with someone who only pretends to sleep. And who is going to do stuff her way anyhow.

Thank you taking the time to write.

I have been having too much of pain inside, somethine I never poured out for a long time. I think people are the same everyway and how one is treated. For a while, I thought people may be different here. Guess not.



Francesca
1899 days ago
I seriously get it. I have known people you get so frustrated and angry with you just want them to stop. Because everything they do, their very existence, makes life harder than it needs to be.

I still stick by my original assessment though. Someone needs to take control of the situation, act like an adult, and make it stop.

The pettiness, grudges, and nit picking solve nothing. The longer you seek validation for your discomfort, the longer it will be until you solve the actual problem.

Yes, you have the right to be angry, okay, what now?



series0
1899 days ago
Hello kvd. As you say, people are the same everywhere.

You have an extremely tough scenario on your hands.

It is very difficult to advise you for many reasons. I think in this situation you have to bring every strategy to the table that you can. I'm going to outline some assumptions I made from what you have said and then go through a few recommendations.

Assumptions:

1) Jealousy is present. Your husband's ex is extremely jealous and will do anything and everything she can to gain and keep influence in both his life and the lives of their mutual children. Stay focused on that word: influence. It is her goal. To change things, to show her power.

2) Lies are present. Apart from jealousy, which is itself a terrible and negative emotion, your husband's ex is very good at convincing people, including your husband (sadly), that her pains and her point of view have merit or should at least be listened to. This means she has a powerful personality, and she is what Americans call a "winner". In fact this "winner" personality is the exact personality of the entire American culture, so be warned she is definately at home in more ways than one. You are a fish out of water as they say - and its unbalancing your life and will continue to do so.

3) Damage is happening. You are a calm, conscientious, and supportive person. But your world is being attacked. Your relationship with your husband, his kids, and even your own self-image (as you mention throughout your writing on this issue) is being attacked and wounded. You are taking damage!

Recommendations:

1) Realize what is happening fully.

a) Her part - Your husband's ex has made herself your enemy. It doesn't matter now how or why. It's just the truth. Right now she is almost certainly enemy #1 in your life.

b) You part - You are sitting there and taking this abusive and evil treatment. You are giving her no reason to respect you as a peer and every reason to believe she can run roughshod over your desires and your life with her ex-husband. At many points you probably laughed things off or let it go. Stop it! Fight! Fight for your self-respect! Fight against her tyranny! Fight for your husband's proper regard. Fight!

2) Decide on simple actions you can take to help.

a) As the other poster recommended meet with her and your husband and discuss boundaries.

BUT - Don't go to your husband first or that meeting later without preparing. Write down all the things she does that irritate you and are unfair or weird. Before you go. Think about what you want the situation to be like and be as fair as possible. Write down your solutions. Think of what she will say. Think of how she will say it and how she will turn it around on you. Have answers ready.

b) After these new boundaries are established, vow to make yourself "wake-up" and do something when she oversteps her boundaries. If you watch carefully, and you should, she will attack immediately after you set the boundary to test your resolve. Call her out on it immediately. Be firm. Have your husband pre-prepared and demand that if you are fair with her(and be fair) that he shows you full support at this crucial stage. Stay in practice with waking yourself up. She will continually atatck for a long time now. You have to catch her every time. And defend it.

c) Tell your husband to support you, or else. You shouldn't even have to do this. But you have taken her attacks for so long now he is confused about whom to respect. He sounds like he doesn't like to make waves either and she is pushing you both around. Tell him you are wounded by his lack of support and faith in you. Tell him you need to have him on your side and all that you're demanding is fairness. You demand she stick to agreed upon boundaries. Be prepared for him to try to convince you not to fight. He just wants peace, kindof like you. That's what got you both into this mess. At times in life, we all must fight. Don't let him convince you not to fight.

d) Watch out for the little things. If you give her half a chance she will find a way to get back in there and cause trouble. Little things, like a ton of what she has already done, that erode the kid's willingness to deal with it all and yours and your husbands. If she wears you down, she will win. Hide behind the rule you all agreed on EVERY SINGLE TIME. Never give in. Ever. Her type perceives it as weakness.

e) Especially if you do this right and things are going well, watch for a change in her after a long time. She may decide you are worthy of respect now. This is what you should hope for. If she isn't a lost cause she will probably get to this place eventually. When she seems changed re-asses and go through the process again. Try to estalish long term cordiality. HOWEVER, there is another element to all this. Jealousy. If it werent for that weird part I would think part e here had more of a chance to happen. Jealousy comes from a lack of self-esteem. This means she does not like herself on some level. Her feelings of inadequacy make her want to be more like the person who has what she doesnt - in your case her ex-husbands attentions and that of the kids. This is very bad. As hard as it is, you might try suggesting to your husband or just suggesting to her directly that she seek therapy for her clinical jealousy. You can also point out EVERY LITTLE THING she does that copies you verbally to all people present. Do it cold, not yelling. Smile. Do not get mad. Just point out her copycat behavior for all to see. Eventually, she will seem kindof clownish if you pull it off. It isnt easy.

Regardless, I feel for you. That is a horrible situation to live in when you just want a peaceful supportive role. Good luck if you decide to pursue my battleplan for you. I understand if you decide not to.

Cheers!



Edahn
1899 days ago
Any chance you could summarize this in 3 paragraphs? I'm having trouble understanding your post.



kvd
1899 days ago
Hi,

I took a moment to read all of your comments. Will discuss further when I get a moment.

When I wrote for the 1st time here. I thought well, i will just write it out to get it out since no one will response.

I am so touched by your responses. And such good advice too. I see that they are good and the appropriate things to say. I acknowdege that and the fact that people care to write about things.

I am very grateful. I need to reflect on what you have wrote and ask myself why I am where I am. Perhaps that will pave way for me to do the stuff I need to do. I will write soon.

Edahn, will try to summarize. I know. I was just spitted out everything and it was slowing killing me inside.

Thanks a bunch for the responses. Have a good day.

KV



Clyde
1884 days ago
I am glad that you were able to write it out. Does it bother you more about her or her interactions with your spouse and kids?

Best,

Clyde



kvd
1877 days ago
Clyde,

You know - I think it is a bit of both. She is a very jealous person. You have to communicate if sharing custody. But she shares way to much and writes everyday about things that are related to her. She wants my husband's focus on her.

He first told me that she will never talk to him. But when I first moved over, she will drop off the kids and spend an hour to 2 just talking to him. And he had no probelms. Even to the point I found out he has been talking about me and answering personal questions.

She follows everything about me. The way I tilt my head. The way she starts talking. SHe is trying to keep up.

My husband when we first met will only talk about her. I have asked him many times before coming over if he is over her.

He believes everything she says even though she had betrayed him many times. He claims that he is over her.

There are times I believe him but his reaction and actions do not make me think that way. How do guys deal with their ex-wives.

I have always felt that in someways I am the third person in this relationship even though she had married before. He always claimed that she married immediately as she was engaged within couple of months after the divorce. But couple of weeks ago while talk to to someone he rejected that and said no. He basically does not want people to think anything bad about her even though she has done some really bad things.

I believe the kids deserve to have a good relationship with anyone espeically if it is their parents. But the issue here is she always does this slow poisoning thing with them about me. And now is getting the older boy to say that to his dad. So, he thinks his son is telling things about me so that has to be true.

I feel that I have wasted my time with someone who actually does not have much loyalty towards me. He finds that I feel the gaps when the kids are not around and is helpful. I am useful. But otherwise.

There are many times, I feel that he is not sincere to me but he is a dotting husband only I am not sure if he is like that generally. This is what he does with all his girlfriends and his ex which he still refers to as first wife.

You know I had a bad 1st relationship and guess, I have not learned much. He refuse to have any kids with me after saying he will and turned out and said no. HE was going to get rid of the prenup after 2 years and then now says he is suspicous why I want it changed.

I don't feel good about a lot of things. I have been trying to hang on to as much good stuff as I can. But they seem mainly 10 % reciprocation of what I give.



kvd
1863 days ago
I want to ask series0 what does a winner in America means ?



series0
1836 days ago
Yes, sorry for my late answer kvd. The winner comment relates to American culture. We see the scoundrel who makes off with the money and the girl as the winner. The power businessman who makes lots of money and has fine toys. The powerful person who never loses a verbal fight. All of it is image. Be loud, be powerful, never lose, never question yourself.

At the end of the day this persona is deceitful and treacherous. The biggest lie being told is lying to one's own self about what has value in life. There is a lack of wisdom. Feelings and emotions are sacrificed, both those this person deals with and their own feelings.

Your husband's ex sounds like this personality type. her IMAGE changes easily to that of yours because she is hoping to steal away your husband's attentions and WIN. It doesn't even matter to her that she love him or keep him. It only matters that she WINS. She will beat you out of his mind. She will beat you out of the kid's minds. She will WIN WIN WIN. At any cost. No matter whom it hurts or the brokenness it leaves behind.

But the winner will get the WIN and have nothing. Then they have to go on to the next WIN to live.

You haev to fight back the winner and beat them. Its usually not that hard although winners are good at seeming unbeatable. Sometimes you can hand them a victory easy and it freaks them out because they were ready to fight. Sometimes you plan everything out and simply blow them away with details. But most often you simply do not ever cower down, do not appear to be afraid, stand up to them, and they will do more and more reckless things but eventually they can come to respect you.

That is why I tried to get you to plan and to fight!

Hope that helped.



blessed824
1390 days ago
I know it's been over a year, but this subject intrigues me. I too am in an awkward situation. Both my husband and I are surviving previous divorces ourselves but again, it is not so much the ex "male", but the ex "female" who seems to want to intrude into their ex spouses new marriage because of jealous insecurity. First, you need to look at it within a psychological, analysistic way.. Second, it depends how your husbands' marriage to his ex ended... If the reason is because she committed adultery, most adulterers and adulteresses are narcissists. I am not saying ALL of them are, but most are or at least fall into some of the characteristics of narcissism . Because of selfishness without care for their victims, spouses or children.

Even those who claims "abuse" or negligence... there is absolutely NO reason to run into the arms of another man or woman. Adultery is purely a selfish and narcissistic act.

Third, and in most cases the "ex" wife if she falls within a narcissistic or "jealous" character, she most probably will use her own children as weapons to hurt your husband and yourself. In my case, my new husbands' children are adults, but yet still, they are influenced by their mother.

To help ease this weird situation, the best bet is to COMPLETELY cut off all ties with the ex wife. Narcissists CAN BE DANGEROUS! Did you ever hear of Betty Broderick? If minor children are involved, I would strongly suggest that you seek legal help (there are sites where consultations are free) in getting concrete visitation and/or even FULL custody of minor children. You wouldn't want younger children under this type of personality disorder, believe me. Narcissists either don't care or put themselves first before even considering the damage they are causing their own children. I am not saying that their mother should be "cut off", but merely under supervision while with her children.

Hope I helped even though it's been over a year for you... but maybe someone else may be looking for answers.