I have long term chronic major depression and complex PTSD. Part of this is severe social anxiety.
It's complicated, but when I walk down the path, and people come the other direction, they don't give me space. I end up walking in the road. Either that or get pushed past. I had a period of time when I dissociated and got very aggressive in response, so the safest option is to walk in the road.
The complication is that every day for 10 years I was bullied at school, including on the way home from school down the road. I seem to be in a constant hyper-vigilant flashback state to this, as well as being 'invisible'.
I feel so much shame.
Maybe I am seen as the neighbourhood crazy person. I hate that.
I'm working on it in therapy, and slowly changes in my self perception are happening. But I can't change the fact that I'm only 5 foot tall and underweight and people don't see that I exist and have a right to space. And I can't make them. Why do other people get respect and I don't - ever? Can I respect myself? This is hard.
It's complicated, but when I walk down the path, and people come the other direction, they don't give me space. I end up walking in the road. Either that or get pushed past. I had a period of time when I dissociated and got very aggressive in response, so the safest option is to walk in the road.
The complication is that every day for 10 years I was bullied at school, including on the way home from school down the road. I seem to be in a constant hyper-vigilant flashback state to this, as well as being 'invisible'.
I feel so much shame.
Maybe I am seen as the neighbourhood crazy person. I hate that.
I'm working on it in therapy, and slowly changes in my self perception are happening. But I can't change the fact that I'm only 5 foot tall and underweight and people don't see that I exist and have a right to space. And I can't make them. Why do other people get respect and I don't - ever? Can I respect myself? This is hard.
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Answers
(((Sorrel)))
A long time ago, I felt that way myself. Then I got treated for Major Depressive Disorder. I have felt better since. I know the feelings you are talking about.
I had one choir teacher whom I adored talk to (what I thought was) me and another student and I was so excited that she was talking to us--and I come to find out it was just him and I was there the whole time!
I know it is hard...do you feel lack of respect just because you are 5 foot and underweight? Could it help to have assertiveness training?
Keep talking...
Best,
Clyde
Sorrel, PTSD is a bear of a disorder, and I'm glad you are in therapy for it. Yes, it takes time, and there's no rushing it.
You aren't weird at all. PTSD causes huge trust issues, and that includes having people around and too close at times.
But some of what you are experiencing with rude pedestrians is common to all of us. Where I live there are many foreigners, and they don't know that in the USA it is customary to move to the right to pass, and to not take up the whole sidewalk. I can't just get off the walk, like you can, though I wish I could at times, just to avoid them bumping into me.
Try not to let it bother you, and take it as just another way you are currently coping, to get through these times with as little stress as possible.
You won't always be this way, if you stick with therapy. You will have to retrain the brain on how to respond and feel, once you've worked through what the bullies put you through. It's well worth the effort! Good wishes.
drjean
hey ok i dont always like doctors opinions any how space is some thing not to many people ever get on the street any were for that matter sometimes i feel like a ant in the tall grass no one ever see's it depends thought you have depression problems well that never makes anything easy keep working with your T dont give up