Avatar Posted by MLM 102 days ago (Question)
Hi everyone!

I'm a bit confused about my relationship with one of my friends (?), and I don't know whether it's my anxiety and depression that are clouding my judgement, or that she's just not a nice person.

Ok here's the situation- my friend...let's call her...Sara. So anyways, Sara and I talk almost every night, and we hang out every so often. But the thing is...it seems like she doesn't care about me at all. I always wish her a happy birthday, give her advice on anything troubling her, and I know everything about her- favorite color, movie, tv shows, store, etc.

She does not. She didn't even remember my birthday, until I said something about it yesterday (my birthday is the 17th of July). I sometimes talk to her about the stressors in my life, and she just brings up a similar situation about her rather than sympathizing, and doesn't know anything about me, or even remembers what we talk about.

For example, I'll tell her that I have a test on Friday, and she'll be like "yeah I have one on Monday, I'm really worried." That leads to me giving her study ideas, then she says "right, because you know everything." And then I'll talk to her on Thursday about my test again, and she'll ask "you have a test on Friday?" -This is just an ex. but there really are things she forgets that are of higher importance.

It just feels like she's not listening when we have a serious conversation. So is she a friend, or am I just crazy?


Answers

Written by bellacutie 102 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sometimes friendships are unbalanced meaning you may have one who's a 'giver' and one who's a 'taker'. It's best when the friendship is a nice mix of give and take. If you feel your friendship is to one-sided then you could either tell her nicely how you feel or scale back a little and wait until she asks you about it. It could be she's too self absorbed in her own life and can't share in your concerns. You may find after exploring this, that she's not the kind of friend you need. Good luck.

Written by MLM 102 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks :)

Written by Edahn 102 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I actually think she is a friend. Friends communicate by relating experiences. It's how they build "shared reality" and connection. How good a friend she is is an open question.

Friendship requires that both of you feel safe around each other. I get the feeling that you self-conscious around her and not really at ease. I assume you're a guy. Are you attracted to her? If you do not feel safe, you will find it difficult to be available for connection. It's like static on your cell phone so you can't communicate fluidly. The end result is (1) you will not feel close and (2) you will try and figure out ways to feel close.

One way people try and feel close is by searching for sympathy or praise, what Transactional Analysts call "strokes." (Google it if you're interested.) Those gooey feelings let us know that we're wanted and valued. It seems to me like you are searching for those. Maybe it's because you're attracted to her and self-conscious. Maybe it's because she has a different way of relating that you're not used to.

I definitely had relationships like those when I was younger. What you could do is try to rely on her less to give you the support and approval YOU'RE searching for and just be open to the possibility that she has her own way of showing support. You might decide she's not as close to you as you initially thought, and that's okay.

Edahn

Written by thehelper 100 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

srry but shes a bitch not sure if i can swera on hear o not but srry if i cant

Written by Clyde 86 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sounds like she definitely does not listen to you...but maybe she has so much going on outside of school, she might be worried.

Ask her if anything is going on.

Best,

Clyde


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