I am a teenage boy, probably gay, and now have established that I am probably a sadomasochist. It's something that doesn't add up with my personality, and something I want to leave behind, but can't until I have closure on an incident.
A good few years ago, a guy was round at my house. I didn't really like him. He decided to pull a trick by pretending to be asleep. He used to do this all the time - the cheeky grin on his face was a big giveaway. After some waiting, I dragged him up to my room and left him there to see if he would come down. He kept up the act. In frustration and anger, I gave him a wedgie, pulled his trousers down, and even paddled him with a stick. He kept up the act all through this, and even a while after. He didn't protest one bit, and, in the following days and weeks, didn't seem phased at all by it. It wasn't that bad. We were two ten-year-olds, and the incident could be passed off as boyish horseplay.
At the time there were no conscious sexual connotations, bt now I think I might have gotten pleasure from it. It's the only time my instincts have broken through my stolidly moral personality. Without the subconscious sexual feelings, I see no real problem with the incident. But with them, I feel like a monster.
I am overthinking this because I was sexually harrassed a few months ago, and the older boy who harrassed me got a criminal record. Also because of a sinister video on paedophilia we had to watch in school. I KNOW I'm not a paedophile, but it was a very horrible video (the CEOP video about the kid on the bike).
I feel like I need to be punished, but dragging this up may make it worse for the boy, and I would never be seen as normal again.
I tried to talk to my mum about it, but she dismissed it immediately, as it doesn't add up to my personality.
I am the only one who knows about these feelings, and the only one who hasn't moved on. I want to talk about it, but that may have consequences. I just need closure so that I can get on with my life. I'm feeling really depressed.



Answers


bella
2126 days ago
Hi atbreakingpoint - sorry you feel so distressed ATM. How old are you right now and are you fine with the thought of being gay?? Don't get me wrong...I'm totally opposed to violence and I agree this wasn't the best move to make. I do think though, you're over thinking this and being too hard on yourself. I think if this boy wasn't a full participant or said to stop...I really think this was just 2 boys goofing around.

The fact you may have derived some sexual pleasure in the back of your mind really isn't too surprising. The time you would need to worry is, if you're forcing this and it's not consensual - in other words you're victimizing the person. There are some people who are into the sado -masochistic lifestlye but even in this sub group there are rules. If a person engages in this, it doesn't mean their a sick minded person, but there are conditions of course - that its concensual and controlled. Obviously a pedophile is a totally different subject and just because you weren't phased by being rough on this boy, doesn't mean you're a pedophile. You need need to be an adult and victimize a child much younger than yourself.

Since you're young I don't know whether you would be classified as a sado masochist. Since this boy was a willing participate and didn't call a time out or say stop, then I don't think you need to worry about this. If you like you can join the forum section by clicking on 'Commuity' and they also have a gay social group and a sexuality forum where you could discuss things like this. I really think you're okay and you just need some reassurance. I don't think you're in any way odd for feeling this way.



atbreakingpoint
2125 days ago
Thanks Bella. I'm now realising that i'm not ready to label myself yet, and what I did was wrong but not as wrong as I'm making it in my head. It's all because of my own bad experiences and that video. Thanks for the signposting to the gay group.



bella
2125 days ago
You're welcome and I'm happy you feel better about this situation. If you really were a true sadomasochist, you wouldn't be feeling guilty or having remorse lol..... you wouldn't be worried at all. This is when online help can be perfect - sometime especially young people find it embarrassing to discuss these topics IRL, so online help is great for that. Feel free to talk anytime :)