It is said that to love others one must first learn to love himself. Yet how am I supposed to love myself if I never have been loved? I don't really know what love is. Since nobody ever loved me in my 22 years of life and I sit here acting like a pathetic crybaby, it's pretty obvious there is something wrong with me, not others. I think some people shouldn't be loved because we are not fit to be loved, whatever the reasons are. It doesn't matter anyway whose fault is it, since it's too late to do anything about that (my personality is already shaped - game over). But I feel this irrational need to write about my background, so I'm gonna do it. My upbringing wasn't the best life can offer but also wasn't the worst, that's for sure. Parents propably hated each other (definitievly didn't love each other - they never said anything about love to themselves or me and my brother). Father was cheating, mother has never forgiven him that and reminded it to him many times, causing him to hit her on few occassions. Heh, I remember this one time after he hit her making her cry histerically, I stood up to him only to be later told by mother to not interfere. I think I was about 10 back than. The funny thing is it was mother who hit me more often when I was a child, since father didn't hit me more than 5 or 6 times in my entire childhood. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate them - I pity them, I suspect they hate themselves and are victims too. If I could help them I would. Anyway, there were happier children than me or my brother. I was still luckier than my brother though. He was more sensitive I guess. He ended up with schizophrenia, I only with depression, to which I got used to and am able to cope with. It's this feeling of emptiness that I truely hate and I have to deal with it always when I'm lonely, which would be most of the time. Yesterday, when I saw this loving couple it suddenly hit me that I never loved anyone, including myself. I don't want to live like that, even though it feels like I have too. But I just can't force myself to love anyone, no matter how hard I try. There were few nice girls interested in me but I always kept them at distance, even when I knew I could easily have them and was attracted to them. I think I was just afraid if they got to know me better, they would find out how much ugliness there is inside of me. Sometimes when I see loving couples I feel this "thing" growing inside my chest and I hate it. I don't know what to do with myself, my studies feel meaningless and I don't have any purpose or ambitions. I just exist. I know I have to accept myself but how? How the hell am I supposed to do it when I don't know what it means or how it feels?? Anyway, I just wanted to vent those frustrations and see if I would feel better so there is no need to answer. I already know how pointless it is and will propably end up thinking low of your answers and those who gave them. Heh, I guess I really am like my parents.
Notice: Psych Central Answers shut down to new questions on January 11, 2013.
Looking for a place to ask your question? Sign up today for our community (you'll need a separate account than the one you use here), and ask away!
Ask and answer questions about mental health and relationship issues in a safe & supportive environment. If you ask a question, you will have to answer someone else's first, in order to give back to others here.