It is said that to love others one must first learn to love himself. Yet how am I supposed to love myself if I never have been loved? I don't really know what love is. Since nobody ever loved me in my 22 years of life and I sit here acting like a pathetic crybaby, it's pretty obvious there is something wrong with me, not others. I think some people shouldn't be loved because we are not fit to be loved, whatever the reasons are. It doesn't matter anyway whose fault is it, since it's too late to do anything about that (my personality is already shaped - game over). But I feel this irrational need to write about my background, so I'm gonna do it. My upbringing wasn't the best life can offer but also wasn't the worst, that's for sure. Parents propably hated each other (definitievly didn't love each other - they never said anything about love to themselves or me and my brother). Father was cheating, mother has never forgiven him that and reminded it to him many times, causing him to hit her on few occassions. Heh, I remember this one time after he hit her making her cry histerically, I stood up to him only to be later told by mother to not interfere. I think I was about 10 back than. The funny thing is it was mother who hit me more often when I was a child, since father didn't hit me more than 5 or 6 times in my entire childhood. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate them - I pity them, I suspect they hate themselves and are victims too. If I could help them I would. Anyway, there were happier children than me or my brother. I was still luckier than my brother though. He was more sensitive I guess. He ended up with schizophrenia, I only with depression, to which I got used to and am able to cope with. It's this feeling of emptiness that I truely hate and I have to deal with it always when I'm lonely, which would be most of the time. Yesterday, when I saw this loving couple it suddenly hit me that I never loved anyone, including myself. I don't want to live like that, even though it feels like I have too. But I just can't force myself to love anyone, no matter how hard I try. There were few nice girls interested in me but I always kept them at distance, even when I knew I could easily have them and was attracted to them. I think I was just afraid if they got to know me better, they would find out how much ugliness there is inside of me. Sometimes when I see loving couples I feel this "thing" growing inside my chest and I hate it. I don't know what to do with myself, my studies feel meaningless and I don't have any purpose or ambitions. I just exist. I know I have to accept myself but how? How the hell am I supposed to do it when I don't know what it means or how it feels?? Anyway, I just wanted to vent those frustrations and see if I would feel better so there is no need to answer. I already know how pointless it is and will propably end up thinking low of your answers and those who gave them. Heh, I guess I really am like my parents.


Answers


bella
1561 days ago
Well I don't really want you to think low of my answer. I will say - sometimes mental illness can cause a state where your thoughts are very negative. Please speak with your doctor. If you would like to talk more let us know - things can improve for you. Many people over come bitter life experience and still manage to remain optimistic.



shezbut
1561 days ago
With a tiny bit of hope, you can change the path that you find yourself on. I'm not saying that it's an overnight process ~ I just don't want you to presume that you are doomed to live a meaningless life. I would recommend talking with your doctor about how you are feeling. Be honest and very open about these thoughts and feelings that you struggle with. Best wishes to you!



Gus1234U
1561 days ago
Dear Caringtoomuch, this helped me: set a goal of showing some small act of kindness to another, and then admit "I did that". when you are able to do that almost anytime you want, then show yourself some little act of kindness, and admit "I did that". then look again at yourself.



JunieBeatrice
1561 days ago
Hello there. I am going to answer this even if you think low of my response. I am going to answer this because I care about you, even though I do not know you. I care about you because you are hurting. And I think you are hurting yourself with thoughts like "some people shouldn't be loved because we are not fit to be loved." I respectfully disagree. Self love IMHO is actually harder to do than loving others. Especially with depression. You may feel like because things could have been worse as a child you do not deserve to feel like you do, that you do not have enough reason to. For whatever reason, you did not get enough love, but I can guarantee that is not because you are not fit to be loved. Ever have someone say that they care about you and you have no idea why? I do. But I can still absolutely believe it. I think that is a step to better emotional health. I am not sure what you need to help you to better emotional health. Therapy perhaps. Perhaps medication. Perhaps time and patience and gentleness towards oneself. I hope one day on your path in life you learn to love yourself, to care about yourself and to receive care, compassion and love from others. Sometimes the biggest obstacles to that is ourselves. But I hold out hope that yourself the biggest enemy will one day be your most treasured friend. BTW, I hold that hope for me as well. You are not alone in your feelings. Even if our experiences are different, I can still care for you in your pain. All my best. Junie



Nomoretogive
1561 days ago
I get the feeling that you dont think "low" of our answers, just that our answers maybe meaningless to you. Feeling that way about others trying to help is how I feel often. It feels as if nothing anyone says is going to change how you feel. The thing that helped me the most in my tribulations is knowing that I am not alone in how I feel. Caringtoomuch, you are not alone.



madihapc
1167 days ago
dear

your story is more or less like mine. i dont know what is wrong with us, probably its our destiny not to be loved, sometimes it makes me realize that probably the character of being loved is also inherited from our parents, we are just supposed to live like them, sometimes its makes life more difficult, sometimes it appears that i will never be loved just like my father, the love is not wat u get from boyfriend, i guess im never loved by my family, friends etc. sometimes it appears that life is not just worth living, i dont know if im wrong. but how can i be wrong, when i have analysed this throughout my entity



antipodes
835 days ago
Though your story is yours alone, I think you would be surprised to find out how many people actually feel the same way. It's something I've begun to realize more and more as I get older.

I can't tell you exactly the answer to your question... I have realized that sometimes you have to love yourself in order to learn how to love others, and sometimes you have to have been loved by others in order to learn how to love yourself... it works both ways, in an unpredictably random fashion, and there is no instruction book.

One thing I can say is, you can't expect somebody to come along and be something for you. It's probably not going to happen. And... it is true that until you have some type of handle on yourself, your relationships are not going to work out well. (Probably won't work out well after either! lol!)

Point being: the one thing you have is yourself, whether or not you want it. So try treating yourself the way you wish somebody would treat you. Then, you will have had some body love you. And from that you might learn how to be able to love others as well. (at your own risk)