I'm the first born of 3, 2 sisters and both my parents are still married. I don't get on with my family at all and find it difficult to get any emotional attachment to them. I avoid speaking to them as often as I can as it reduces conflict. I fight with family practically whenever I talk to them. They make me so angry at the way they act and what they believe and how they treat me that It makes me quiver with rage. They say they are supportive and don't mind what I do in life but I feel as though they look down on me constantly and try to power trip me whenever they get the opportunity. I can't eat dinner with them as a family because the atmosphere at the table is so dense with emotional tension that I can't handle it.
The way they act seems so absurd to me that I have no respect for them. They don't strike me as parents. that's basically it. How can I respect people who are in my eyes not worthy of respect. I see them for what they really are, children dressed as adults. I dislike my sisters too and although I visit my grandparents on a semi-regular basis, I feel almost nothing towards them either. What I do feel is guilt, for not feeling anything. Does that make sense?
I feel like this is my fault and there is something wrong with me, I sense it almost at the back of my mind but everything that I think or hear or feel makes me believe that it is them that are to blame for my feelings. It seems that the 'bond' is irreparable... What do people think? Where should I go from here?
I have also self diagnosed myself with at least 2 mental disorders but I do not want to go to the doctors for help as they'll just give me pills and record me as mentally unstable...
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