Avatar Posted by alessia 86 days ago (Question)
I am 16 years old and I love my family more than anything in the world. And they love me. I am the youngest of 4 children, I have 3 older siblings who are at least 10 years older than me each. I live in Europe but my ethnicity is Turkish. Usually Turkish families are in general strict (except the latest generation) and my family is.. well oldfashioned. I know that they mean only the best for me.

However, going out clubbing is an absolute no go for me. Also no boyfriends, staying outside late etc.
I do not want any of the listed above but last night was the prom of my seniors and my sisters really had a hard time convincing my parents that I am capable going there without being accompanied by my brother. Also I had a really short dress. That also took some time to win over.

At prom they sell alcohol for sure and all my classmates and friends - scratch that everyone in my age goes drinking almost every week and they naturally also drank at the prom. And I was like- hey I am not allowed to drink anyways so while there is a chance to do it make the best of it. So I drank. A lot. There was also a small disco and we went there of course and I danced nonstop, my dress moved even more up and all the guys were staring at me because I was so noticeable. I danced a little wild. So now here is the thing: I am - oh sorry was- THE role model and every Turkish parent praised me and my parents.. but at the prom there were also Turkish boys and they all saw me on my drunk state dancing with my revealing dress. And surely they all will/have talked about me. They do know I am a Turk.

And that is not good.

For sure I have to take the consequences for my mindless behaviour but I am so afraid that my family will find out because the parents of these guys are all befriended with my parents and the angst is eating me up.

I feel so ashamed, abashed, I am beyond mortified by my actions.

I can't believe it. How - why- what was I thinking??? This night probably changed my life forever if my family finds out.

My parents trust me. I abused their trust.

I apologize for the next words but I am a total scum, I feel like a needless whore.

I can't focus on anything, I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking about my actions. I am scared, frightened, what if my parents find out? I am anxious, stressed, too tensed for my school work. And seeing my lovely parents caring for me so much.. kills me.

For my family dignity and trust is the most important thing. And I betrayed them.

What.. what should I do?
I am so hopelessly desperate, scared.


I still can't believe it.
That was the biggest mistake of my life.

And I am sorry if my English is insufficient.
I tried my best to explain myself.



Answers


MEdwards
86 days ago
Hey there Alessia. :)

Firstly, let me say that your English is flawless. I am in the United States, where English is the (unofficially...we don't have a declared national language) "official" language. You speak/write better than a lot of people I know.

That being said, I am in the US, so my perception of things will be likely a little different from yours. I can only offer my perspective, but I hope I can be of a little help to you.

I don't think you have much to worry about Alessia. I know what you did goes against your customs, and I know that must be very distressful for you. And it may be true, your parents might be angry. But you're still their little girl...I don't think they're going to stop loving you or anything like that. Furthermore, your parents are going to remember what it's like to be that age, I think. They're going to understand the pressure to fit in with everyone else. :)

You know what I would do? I would sit your parents down, and explain to them what happened. I know that must be scary, and I know that's more easily said than done. But I think you have an opportunity to (in your parent's eyes) acknowledge that you made a mistake and that you accept responsibility for it, which to me, it sounds like you're doing that admirably anyway. :) Furthermore, it's going to be much easier on you in the long run to tell them yourself than for them to find out from someone else.

But on a personal note Alessia, please try to relax a little. :) I would tell you that the fact that you -do- feel bad says a lot about your morals, at least as I see it. Your parents have a lot to be proud of, I think. I'm only two years your elder, and I've been where you are just a while ago. Honestly, and not to belittle my country or its people by any means, girls at my prom did a lot worse than you did while sober. So I think you're okay. :)

Granted, I know that I'm viewing things from a different angle than you are, so I don't know how applicable my advice is to you. But I truly think you'll be okay. :)

Take care Alessia. I hope I was of some help. :)
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bella
86 days ago
Hi - is your religious background Muslim and what do you think would happen if your parents found out about this?? The reason I ask is, I married into the Muslim culture and some are so strict, to the point of harming any women who step out of line. I hope this isn't the case for you. If they'll just be mildly upset....all you can do is apologize and show you've learned from this.

I have 2 daughters 10 and 14 - I've raised with good morals, but not in a strict/fearful manner. My husband thinks he needs to be firm to teach them, but luckily he's not home a lot. I believe the stronger you hold onto children and repress them...they'll want to run wild and rebel. I'm not advocating being too relaxed and not giving any guidance, but in the middle. If they do confront you, just admit it wasn't a good decision and you learned from this. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
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alessia
85 days ago
To begin with I am deeply grateful for your long and detailed answers. I can ensure you that they cheered me up a bit for sure.

MEdwards thank you very much indeed, today I tried to forget what happened and tried to losen up. I was constantly persuading myself that everything would be okay.

But I am too much of a coward to.. talk to my parents.

To Bella, luckily no, my family isn't that strict. But they are oldfashioned as I mentioned above.

I think I will talk to my sister but I am scared of her disappointed face. I can't, simply can't. I pray that my actions will never ever reach my family's ears. But I can't keep on like this- anxious, worried and frightened that someone will find out right? I think I need some time to digest what happened but at the same time I feel like I am only lying to myself - that I only fritter time away..

Anyway, I would like to repeatedly thank you again. At least I am not alone with this secret now.
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MEdwards
84 days ago
You are very welcome. :) I don't think you should feel like a coward at all...this is something obviously very upsetting to you. It takes a lot of courage to admit you did something wrong. :) That's not the mark of a coward, that's the mark of a normal human being. :)

I hope things go well for you. :) I wish you my best.
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momofboys
83 days ago
Alessia

My heart goes out to you. I think everyone understands the fear of disappointing someone you love. Most of us are familiar with feelings of deep embarrassment over our actions. I wanted to maybe give you a different perspective on your problem. You said you feel as if you have betrayed your family. As a mom, I don't see it that way. I think you did exactly what teenagers sometimes do: you gave in to peer pressure. You made an unwise decision. I think the "betrayal" comes from not owning up to your mistake. As a mom of two teenage boys, I would feel betrayed by the secret not the action. Your reaction to your decision is the most encouraging part of your story. You have learned a lesson you will likely never forget. Your parents have done an excellent job in instilling values and morals into their daughter. If not, this wouldn't be eating at you so much.

I believe you are right that your parents will eventually find out. It seems we parents always do. I think you would go a long way in re-establishing trust with your parents by telling them what happened yourself. They will surely see your remorse and embarrassment. You could even let them read the words you said here. They will be disappointed. They may be angry. They will probably not trust you as much for a while. You might have to deal with more restrictions till you earn their trust back. But you won't have to live with a secret that eats at you. You won't have to feel like "scum". You won't have to live in constant fear they will find out. I think that is a fair trade!

You sound like a lovely, mature young woman who is trying to find her place in the world. You simply made a mistake. Don't let the mistake define you.

I wish you the best dear girl.
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