I know this is long but I seriously need the opinions. I know no one can give a diagnosis on here but I just want to sure before I go off to the GP. I don't know if I'm bipolar or if I just want to be so I have an excuse for how I've acting/feeling. By that I don't mean that bipolar is desirable I just mean that I've been researching bipolar for months and that I know most of the symptoms so when I, for example, act really hyper and talking really fast I don't understand why I continue acting that way if I know the symptoms, i don't get why I don't just stop unless I'm just trying to find symptoms in myself if that makes sense. I understand that bipolar is a serious disorder and not something to be wanted and I just make that known before I started.
Ok, throughout February and April my mood dipped. I've never been the most confident of people but it just got ridiculous. I stopped going to my youth group which I loved and went to twice a week and I left because I didn't want the people there to see me, physically. When I went into the toilets with my friends I would avoid looking in the mirrors and try and stay out of range of it. I felt worthless and was really pessimistic and felt as if there was no point in me being around as there's nothing memorable to look back on and nothing to look forward to and people don't benefit from me being around. I saw no future for myself, I would daydream about the life I wanted and then dwell over the fact that I would never get that. I would sometimes daydream and see myself ending up as an alcoholic(I didn't drink at the time)and would stare at the vodka bottles in off-licences and think about stealing the shot bottles. I found it hard to make conversation with people and nearly everything about my friends and family irritated me when before they never would. I was extremely jealous of one of friends and ended up basically hating her because I felt she had everything I didn't or wanted. I wrote songs that were downgrading and cussing myself as if I were representing how other people saw me. I was constantly sad and my teacher even noticed one day asking if I was alright but I had an accuse ready ("I'm just tired") for whenever someone asked. I never wanted to talk and would have to force words out to try and divert attention from my negative mood. I was always tired even when I got enough sleep, I constantly just wanted to go to bed and I think it was around that period when my headaches started. I felt like everyone hated me and that was a nuisance and a waste of time. Whenever I heard people laughing I instantly thought they were laughing at me. Also, I had this theory, that I don't know if I believed or not, that this was my hell and no one around was real and just there to basically torture me. This period was made worse when the friends I had back then got sick of my attitude and ditched me, I remember going home one day and having to stay in my room for like half an hour crying and trying to calm down (I never stay in my room.)
I can't remember a period where the next things have happened but I have a feeling I may be getting it now. This morning and yesterday I basically felt like loads of stuff was happening in head but I wasn't really hearing anything it's almost like I've stopped thinking but I can feel the pressure of dozens of thoughts which usually results in headaches as it's really frustrating and I'll try and force thoughts into my head but it just feels empty which makes the headaches worse. Also last night I was reading about symptoms and stuff and at the same time I was hearing music in head and also a conversation I had had with my friends that day and other things and I couldn't stop it which drove me crazy. Also, last night while my head was acting 'off' if I closed my eyes and I think sometimes when they were open I felt like I moving or being turned around like on a roller coaster but I was sat in bed. I remember a few weeks ago there were like two or three days where I had this feeling that I was yelling or someone was yelling in my head and don't know they were saying but whenever i shut it out it just came back until I completely changed my thoughts. I've been really giddy and childish and then easily irritable the past few days, my friends even mentioned it several times yesterday and I saw that was acting weird and I remember saying to myself 'ok, calm down' but I just went back anyway. I was seriously hyped yesterday and I had only had four to five hours sleep the night before. We were on a coach going on a trip and we drove past a retail park I was like 'we need to go there, oh my days' blah blah blah, then we drove pasta tesco and I was all ' we need to go to that tesco, oh my days it has a subway' blah blah and then we passed an ikea and I was basically jumping out of seat going 'we need to go ikea, oh my days, it'll be so fun, oh my days' and this was all in the space of around a minute and everyone was looking at me like I was crazy and even this boy who goes to my school but never spoken to was like to 'why do you want everywhere? We're going thorpe park' with an unspoken 'calm down.' (I also didn't feel awkward talking to him which is out of character as I'm not a very social person). Even when I wasn't speaking and I had my headphones in I was just thinking and thinking and my eyes were like 'alert' if that makes sense. I also have stutter now that I think I got a year or two ago and I read today that pressured speech can cause a permanent stutter. I been having broken sleep and less sleep a lot the past week as I won't really be tired at night but then I might feel it during the next day and have tired eyes but my head is fully awake.
Also, around three weeks ago, I did drink wine four days in a row and did purposely cut my arm two weeks ago and I don't know why I did it. It wasn't that deep only let out a little blood and just remember that I had been thinking about doing it for days so I just did it when no one was home one day. I'm confused why I did it as I've also been quite wise and I'm known as the responsible one so these actions are completely out of character but also as I said before I don't know if this is because of a mood disorder or because I want to be bipolar. Even a week ago, I tried to make myself throw up as I overate but was too scared to go the whole way. Also, a month ago I was fighting back tears for stupid things like seeing friends I used to have laughing together or getting a detention for forgetting my homework. I had quite violent dreams where I'm fighting people from school who have made fun of me, the kind of fighting that'll get you sent down for GBH. And even last week I felt normal through the day but then I felt my mood dip (not in seconds, I think it took like a few hours) near the end of the day and I started getting easily annoyed and I went bed early and broke down crying with loads of negative thoughts and even started punching my pillow at one point. I think that might have been a mixed state but I'm might just be overreacting. I noticed I'm also forgetting things a lot lately for example I'm talking to my mum and mid-sentence I'll forget what I'm talking about which happens a lot and didn't happen before and even while I'm writing this post I keep forgetting what I was about to write (more than normal) and I also daydream most of the day which makes it hard to concentrate on basic things like reading or watching tv. My appetite is odd, I'll eat a big amount of food (not mountain size but larger than my mum) and be full and then five or ten minutes later I'll be hungry again and I'll basically have to avoid food so I don't overeat and then some days I'll wake up 8am and not eat till 2. Also, I've been more interested in sex as before I was the typical awkward teenager but the past few months (definitely the past weeks) I've been reading cosmopolitan and talking about sex with my friends especially the boys at my school.
I've haven't told anyone about this apart from my teacher when I broke down in front of her a month ago and she referred me to a school councilor.
I've done loads of self diagnosis tests online (including the depression on the NHS website) that I know aren't 100% reliable but they do give you an idea of if you're suffering bipolar or depression and I've passed everyone I've done but I don't know if that's just me saying anything to convince myself I have bipolar as on some tests it is blatant what answer will get what results if that makes sense.
I know that people may say that I'm feeling this way because I'm a teenage girl and has a lot going on and all that but that's seriously not how it feels as I've always been more emotional than the kids as in primary I remember one of the teachers wanted to give me some kind of counselling/therapy (she didn't call it that but she said you can come and talk to me when you feel like this...) but I just avoided it and most of the time teachers didn't call my mum when I got into fights like the other kids. Also my mood swings don't have anything to do with my menstrual cycle as they happen whenever not just always between cycles or just at the start and finish and plus, I remember that I went through a really lonely and depressed time that lasted between February and April so longer than a menstrual cycle.
Because at the moment I'm going through the whole 'thinking but not thinking phase' I'm finding it hard to remember some 'symptoms' I think I have so if I remember more symptoms later on I'll add them.
So...what's your opinion?
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