I'm concerned about my husband, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm also not really sure how to explain it, but here goes nothing.

It seems as though my husband is losing chunks of time, and his mind is creating stories and experiences to fill that gaps. These do not occur while I am home. A specific example occured just last weekend. He told me Sunday evening that he had finished all of his classwork and posted in all his required discussion threads (He's studying online) at 8am that morning because he couldn't sleep. He also believes that he has completed all other classwork on time for the past few weeks. We discovered today that this is not the case. In fact, he has not been posting at all, and he has not been doing any assignments. He failed 2 classes last session for this same problem, and he is about to be dropped from this current class. This situation also occurs when housework, applying for a job or working on the car is involved. All of the stories and experiences seem logical and feasible - these are not wild fantasies.

I understand there may be a possibility that he is just lying and doesn't want to do his homework or any housework. I'm inclined to believe that is not the case. He wholeheartedly believes that these experiences were real. He knows that I always find out when he is lying (intentionally or otherwise) We have discussed this several times before, and it has reached the point that if he doesn't get this under control, I will be kicking him out of the house. As the only one working in the house right now, I cannot afford to pay student loans that we will be forced to start paying immediately if he fails or drops another class.

I'd be happy to take him to my psychiatrist if there is a possibility that something is wrong. He has had major medical issues before, but nothing neurological. I don't want my marriage to fall apart because of this, but I don't know what else to do.


Answers


bella
1287 days ago
How old is your husband. Trying to figure out is he has early onset dementia. What explanation does he give for not doing tasks after he claims he did? How long has this been going on and how long married? Any history of child abuse. You should have him see your psychiatrist for an assessment. Id he puzzled or surprised the tasks aren't dome as he claims. There's a disorder called dissociation where the person has another personality that takes over and they lose time. I hope you both can find a solution rather than kicking him out.



twitchivixen
1287 days ago
He is 24. We have been married for 1.5 years, living together for 3.5. This has been causing problems for about 6 months. I guess now that I think about it, he's always done it, but it's never caused major problems. It usually would go like this:

Me- Honey, can you take out the trash?

Him- Sure, I'll do it now.

(1 hr later)

Me- I thought you were going to take out the trash?

Him- I thought I took that out? (with a confused look on his face as he looks at the trash can)

He doesn't have any explanation for why he didn't do the tasks. He honestly seems to believe that he thought he did them, and it seems to worry him when he realizes he didn't.

I've never heard any stories of abuse, but he did have a rough childhood. He grew up as the oldest child of a single mother of 3, white in a predominantly black, crime-riddled area. The last 3.5 years that we have been together has been the safest years of his life. I've heard some pretty wild stories from him about things he went through, and they seem almost unbelievable to me, but I had a very boring, sheltered childhood. His family and friends have been able to back some of them up, but not all of them. I don't really want to meet some of the people that could.

I've don't think I've ever seen a different personality manifest.



bella
1286 days ago
Thanks for the reply - this sounds puzzling. I think he should get a psychological evaluation. Either he really is having a laspe in time and memory or he's a lier or uses this technique to get away with responsibility or he might have ADD and is struggling to cope.

Have him write down a list of tasks to be done and as he does them to check them off - then he needs to double check to see if he did it a 2nd time. You can look up mindfulness - this invloves concentrating 100% on any given task. We've all experienced doing something, but our mind wonders and it feels like we're not 100% there - well mindfullenss helps with this.

The last recomemndation I have is, perhaps he has adult ADD. The hallmark of this would be unfinished tasks and lack of organization along with not being accountable/cooperative. Encourage him to make a doctors appt -you'll probably have to make it and go with him...request for him to be screened for ADD and then discuss his symptoms. We don't diagnose over the internet and I'm also not a therapist but I strongly advise him to be screened for ADD. Keep us posted and good luck.



Counselor
1285 days ago
Hello twitchivixen, I agree with Bella in that your husband should get some psychological testing done. Also, perhaps a neurological test. Lapses of memories can be so vague. Please start writing down every incident that occurs so you have notes to refer to when speaking to the psychologist.

It could be early onset of dementia (sometimes known as Alzheimers) or could be a vitamin deficiency or mixture of certain medications, and worst case could be multiple personalities. It could also be that he simply doesn't want to do it and is a pathological liar, convincing even himself that he did it.

Does he get up and take the trash out when you're there and telling him it's not done? You know, while you're watching him? Do you find that you often have to stand on top of him to get him to do things? Or is it just in certain areas?

A list that is posted on the refrigerator or someplace rather permanent will help him for now, but please don't make it seem that it's a punishment for him "checks and balances". Perhaps he's responding to what he might consider as your being overbearing with him or over critical even though you are just very concerned about his memory.

He could also be very depressed, lack of work or not feeling good enough, productive enough as "a man of the house should be" and depression can cause memory problems as well.

Look up memory vitamins online and see if you can find some that may help improve memory and concentration. But please get some tests done if you have the insurance for him.



twitchivixen
1274 days ago
We've talked it over, and he decided that he just wanted to try the 'to-do list' before we go to the doctor. He also went out and bought post-it notes so he can leave himself reminders all over the house. When I ask him if he can do something for me the next day, he tells me to put it on the list. I'm glad he doesn't think I'm trying to force him into doing things. As for the things like the trash, sometimes he does it the first time, sometimes he forgets and I have to remind him, and sometimes I have to ask him several times. I never know how many times I will have to ask him to do something. The list has made things better over the past week, and he did do all of his homework last week. I'm not getting overly excited about the progress yet, because I know it will take time to make sure that it really is working.

I am almost certain he is fighting depression - we've been battling infertility for a few years now, and he found out last year that on top of my infertility problems, he also has azoospermia. I've got depression as well, so I recognize the signs of it. He doesn't want to see a doctor for the depression because he thinks that until we manage to have kids, the depression won't get any better. I don't blame him. My doc actually won't put me on anti-depressants because I'm depressed due to infertility. (Kinda ticks me off, because I'd like to be relatively normal, but I'm limited in my choice of doctors due to our health insurance.) Babies are his trigger - his mood changes when they are on tv, he sees one in person, walks past the baby section at stores, etc. He's stopped talking to some of his friends that had kids as well, because they are not in positions where they can afford children, unlike us, and it frustrates him.

Back to the main subject - he talked to his aunt about this last weekend, and she was the one that told him about the post-its. She has to have them to remember to do everything, from making coffee in the morning to taking the trash out. She is just like him - no job, staying at home all day every day.