I have been married for nearly 11yrs. I yell at and hit my kids and wonder if this is due to a lack of emotional support in my marriage. My husband and I also argue although I have learnt to avoid confrontations. My husband doesn't drink or do drugs. He is a workaholic coming home late most nights. He is sexually faithful. He doesn't have un work related friends. We have two boys 5 & 7yrs and I find they don't listen or respect me. I don't see myself as a good mother as I am emotionally absent and feel clostrophobic by their presence. I yell and hit to get control and have damamged our relationship. I have had help from social services who no longer want to be involved. I think it's because my case is not as important as others or they can't really help me. I don't know where to go for help. I got a phsychology chart done for my husband and I and it says that I have high emotional needs and am sensitive to not getting these met. That I can use the relationship to overcome the sensitivity by learning to be more emotionally independant. Can I do this alone. If so how? I believe that when I am feeling ok my relationship with my kids is OK although there is some serious damage now and I rarely feel ok. I wonder if this is related to feeling lonely in my marriage. I have spoken with domestic voilence people and they too don't want to get involved as it seems we are not considered a high risk family. I appreciate any feedback you have. Lisa


Answers


Kaworu
1679 days ago
Arguing in a relationship can cause you to lash out at other people, It is a natural coping mechanism. As you said, you are avoiding confrontation, which causes anxiety, which you displace onto your children. This is shown in the way you feel claustrophobic, and lash out at them physically. The only real way to cure this is to confront the issues with your husband.

Actually talk to him about everything that is on your mind; avoiding it will only make it worse. That should help the problems you have.



Lisa McCracken
1675 days ago
Thank you for replying and confirming that this maybe what's happening. I do want to talk to him about it and lots of other things on my mind. This is difficult as we seem to end arguing and I never really get to the point...I am thinking to show him this site my question and your reponse at a time I am feeling calm.



bella
1679 days ago
I agree with the above poster that you need to discuss what you need with your husband. Do you work and can he lessen his hours to be at home more. Even though you're not getting emotional support from him, doesn't justify hitting your kids. Would your husband be willing to go to marriage counselling with you? You can also look up positive parenting techniques. Hitting/yelling will only make them feel fear and it won't make them behave in the longrun.



Lisa McCracken
1675 days ago
Yes...The kids are already fearful of me. I did take a parenting course and the second time my husband attended (although missing about half of the sessions)...The course finished about two weeks ago. My husband is against marriage counselling as he believes that I am the one with the problem. I do seem to have more needs than most mothers/wives and am sensitive to not getting them met. That's why I wonder if I should just leave the marriage as I do understand that I can't change him. Yet I am not sure I can get these needs met elsewhere either hence the desire to develop my emotional independence. I don't believe I can do that one my own and that it would be better to be in a relationship like this one which gives me opportunities to change how I respond to situations. Can you suggest the type of counsellor/psychologist who could help me?

I know that nothing justifies hitting my kids and for this am willing to leave the relationship but wonder if that is the best for everyone in the long run...I believe the best would be to work through the problem together but feel that I need my husbands support to do that. Again thanks for your reply and I will come back here again to see if there's anything else you have to say.



Chemar
1679 days ago
Hi

I agree with what the above posters have said and just want to really encourage you to seek counseling, for the sake of your children. Nothing justifies lashing out at kids with physical violence, which is what hitting them *in anger* is.

Discipline is good for kids, but having an emotionally volatile parent yelling and hitting them isnt going to discipline them...only make them afraid of you and could psychologically scar them.

I do hope you and your husband will go to counseling together, but if he wont go, I would urge you to go alone to get help working thru your reactions to him and your children



Lisa McCracken
1675 days ago
I am trying to get my husband to go on a NVC course with me to work on our communication. He has agreed but says that he is only doing it for me.(He thinks these type of courses are a waste of time) I did try to get us a session before the course with the couple giving the course but he was a little defensive asking if that was going to be like therapy!!! I wonder if it's worth us going on the course if he is so against it...maybe I should just go myself instead of forcing him to do something he doesn't want too. Again I'd be interested to know what type of counselling/psycholotherapy you would suggest in this situation. There is so much out there I really don't know what I need and where to get it from.

Thanks for being there...