I am married for 6 months. I feel that my wife has OCD...here are some incidents suggesting her behaviour...

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1. My wife went to terrace to attend a party . After a while she says she has forgotten the way back ...
to the apartment..Its a small building ...and only one gate....to go down stairs....



2. she washes her hand several times a day(4-5 times) , and seems a cleaness freak .....though she has Generalized Prurutis problem.'

3.my wife takes a long while to fold clothes (prized, expensive ones).

she keeps shaking the cloth for minutes ...and gets up early in morning to do it her way (my mom asks her to do things fast)

4.she asks me to wash hands if its very slightly dirty (even at late night).

5.she did not allowed me to touch curtains for days..

6.she does not allow me to touch the keys of her wardrobe. She jokingly threatened to go to her parents home if i did not oblige.
And makes a fuss if i touch keys to open the wardrobe.

7.Her dress and hairs are usually unkempt, despite reminded several times.

8.she has dry skin /generalised pruritus ....she has skin picking/scrathing marks all over her body ...her skin gets ruptured so many times.

9.she is more error prone while doing anything. spilled tray while serving drinking water.

10.she does not touch my private parts by her hands.

11.She purchased similar looking 4 keychains ...i though she would gift the rest to her 3 younger sisters but she said she will keep all the four.

12.when i was cuddling my newborn neice...she says dont get so attached. she may betray in life later!

13. She made a very small dent mark (almost invisible) on new furniture, and she keeps asking repeatedly how it can be repaired etc...even at late night or early morning...she even wakes up at early morning to gaze at the dent for minutes.

14. she sometimes repeats her sentences while talking.
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Answers


bella
1710 days ago
Hi,

some of the things you mentioned do sound like OCD traits but other things sound like you're just too critical of her. Is she recieving treatment for the 'pruritis problem', dry skin and skin picking. Excessive skin picking can also be OCD related. The most important thing is to be compassionate and offer to get her some help. If you try to be critical of her, it will only get worse. Make an appointment with a doctor to discuss medication and therapy options. Just to let you know washing your hands 4-5 times a day is acceptable. Best of luck, Bella



meriii
1710 days ago
Sorry for sounding critical. I tried to post all my experiences. I love her and just worried abt her well being.

she had consulted docter for General pruritus and uses moisturizer. i googled and found generalized pruritus should not be taken lightly. I am going to see a skin doc.



bella
1710 days ago
That's oaky and I'm happy you love her and want to help her. I agree she should see a dermatologist. Perhaps you can gently educate her about OCD and go to the doctors with her. With the right treatment/therapy hopefully this will control the urges and you both can have a happy life. Best of luck to you and your wife.



meriii
1709 days ago
Hi!

I have one more experience to share.

My wife woke up at 5 am in morning to arrange her party clothes.(she had been to her cousin's wedding and she says she could not fold the expensive clothes in hurry).

after 2 days , she again takes the clothes out from box , and tries to check/fold/arrange at 3.30 a.m. at midnight.

When inquired abt rechecking clothes, she says, she forgot to put plastic cover over clothes. May be she knows abt her OCD but feels embarassed to discuss.

I have shot a video of hers arranging clothes to show to any OCD expert. I feel she has mild OCD. so its difficult to figure out. I dont know how to inform abt my doubts

to her and my parents. May think, i am overreacting.



series0
1709 days ago
meriii,

From what I can tell you are and have been extremely careful in your approach and presentation and I would bet with your wife as well. Keep up the caring and hopeful research into her world. Good for you!

I do not think you are overreacting at all. To me the symptoms you describe are indicative of some deeply felt emotional issues. I think your wife needs therapy at a minimum. It certainly couldn't hurt to go and see a therapist for another professional reference point.

I caution you though that your wife has an extreme sense of suspicion and a tendency to feel betrayed easily. I am sure you are well aware of it already and you probably have to do what is called "walking around on eggshells". Is a lot of your time and energy spent making sure you do not disturb her? So, you are going to have to ease into the situation carefully. Have you asked her about seeing a therapist? How did she react? Stress to her at every step that your chief concern is seeing her relaxed and happy, able to roll with life's many punches.

Also, do not be surprised to discover at some point that her pruritis is related to her emotional states. This is fairly common. This underscores even more the need to see a therapist.

I think one of the best things you can do is to get her talking about herself. Why does she feel these unusual needs? Does she recongize that they are a bit unusual? Can she laugh about them at all or is it all dead serious? If you can get her at ease in a discussion about herself then begin to ask her if she thinks there could be any way to help her feel better. Ask her what she recommends. Continuously remind her that you will be there to help her through anything to help her feel better. Steer her away from self indulgent and more deeply unusual answers which she might be tempted to deliver. Tell her you mean to ask is there any doctor or therapist she would like to visit if she doesn't suggest it herself. (You may also want to make sure that she has not already seen a therapist. Ask her about her history. Are there any medical issues you should know about that you don't?). If you can get HER to suggest it this will reduce the chance that she will sense betrayal and begin to view these suggestions to visit a therapist as adversarial. Once you start her on therapy I think you'll be on a road to helping her as best you can.

Regardless, good luck!



meriii
1708 days ago
Thanks.

I did one experiment. I said i dont have handkerchief. Then rubbed my mouth on her clothes. She got irritated. Later in evening she told me that i am caring ....but she dont understand why do i things which irritates her. I told i was doing a experiment to see her reaction, she said, no , dont do such things i dont like, please understand. She requested me several times.

next morning, after cooking, she washed her hands. and after few mins went to toilet. when she came out, i checked her hands ...she had washed hands.(upto half of fore arms). She explained that one should clean hands after going to toilet and laughed.



Chemar
1708 days ago
meriii honestly if my husband wiped his mouth on my clothes I wouldnt react very well either and yes, everyone should wash their hands after using the toilet, even if they have washed them before

where I agree some of your wife's behavior does sound like there are some unusual behaviors that she manifests, and given the past histry you describe for her, this could be the cause of her emotional issues

however, I do feel that if you are going to be watching and analyzing her every move to the extent of the mouth wiping and hand washing after the toilet, she is going to feel very uncomfortable around you, and that could heighten the deep seated issues she does appear to have

i agree with series that the best way you can get her to consider entering therapy is to have her feeling comfortable to discuss these things with you in a way where she does not feel like she is under your microscope continuously. She needs to feel she can trust you totally.



meriii
1708 days ago
Thanks for feedback, chemar.

Me and my mom tend to remind her not to wash hands. She smiles and obliges at that moment.

And i encouraged her last night by asking tht if she needs to get up early to arrange clothes,then do pass me eye mask.

she replied she needs too, but feels tired, hence would do next night.



Chemar
1708 days ago
excuse me? am I reading that last post correctly??



meriii
1707 days ago
I understand i should not encourage her. But should we remind her again and again not to wash hands when not required.(She washes upto half of her forearms).

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more obervations:

And she does not use new blanket ...coz it will get dirty and gets irritated when i put feet on the new bed sheet &

does not want me to bring my newborn neice in my room for same reason.

She does not mind spending money when she is out with me.

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Her conversation pattern is mostly like ...

says something...and then after a pause she says its not like that...

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I feel she is lacking in some ways(we all are!!).. and exposure, envorinment, yoga, will greatly benefit her. But she says no to every attempt to introduce such things. How can i incentivise and make such things attractive.



series0
1707 days ago
meriii,

I think I follow what you are saying. I sense a few different directions in your own thoughts about your wife. I will say that I am very happy you said that we are all lacking in some ways. Otherwise your hyper observant clinical manner, especially in dealing with someone so dearly close to your heart in your life, would make you seem somewhat cold. I will caution you that your point for point breakdown and extensive testing of a close loved one would be seen by MOST people as far too coldly analytical and somewhat hurtful. Still, i realize that you are posting here and asking repeatedly how to get help for your wife and that makes me think your are a caring and wonderful person.

A couple of suggestions:

1) Do not attempt to fix what is not broken. Washing hands is somthing most of us do too seldom for proper health. In this particular your wife may be further along the path to self-mastery than most of us. I realize that her pauses to perform this washing can be distracting and somewhat annoying BUT, I recommend that since it is not negative behavior in-and-of itself that you DECIDE not to let it offend you and cherish her for who she is. Smile to yourself and say to yourself, "That's my clean wife and I love her, even for that."

2) Also, I recommend that you champion her with your mother and others in this matter and those like it. Defend her right to be herself. Tell others that this is who she is and how she chooses to live and that you love her and respect her wishes.

3) Both you and your wife can moderate each other a little. Break the ice and wash your hands as well. Be very careful and clean when you do this using only your towel and respecting her orderly limitations. Express that you want to know her and be with her in her value. THEN see if she will by way of her orderly fairness (bet on it) try to do something in your world like yoga. If you want to show her something then let her show you something first. Ask for it and be present with genuine enthusiasm.

4) Be careful about sarcasm. For those such as yourself and myself sarcasm is a constant temptation. It a means of delivering an emotional message in a clever somewhat beestinging package. I can promise you from extensive personal experience that sarcasm is only useful like you and I want it to be, when it is EXCLUSIVELY shared among people like us. That means you are welcome to be sarcastic to me and I am probably welcome to be sarcastic to you. However, if your wife doesn't like dry wit or sarcasm it will NEVER be an effective tool for communication with her. I urge you to decide NEVER to use sarcasm with her unless she appreciates it deeply like you do. Think of it like physical fighting. A lot of folks simply NEVER want to do that. A whole ton of folks think there is nothing better to clear the air than a good ole fisticuffs. But to people who NEVER want to fight, this is a complete showstopper. Sarcasm is the exact same way. So don't ask your wife for the eye mask when she gets up early. Arrange your room where she can do her clothes folding on a nice table in a walk-in closet or in the common room. Work with her, not against her, even verbally.

Good luck!



meriii
1706 days ago
Another observation:

She does not go out with me.(its not related to OCD symptom)

A month back, i wanted to take her out to a seminar. she refused coz i did not discuss with her first. Then we both shouted at each other, though we went out ...she kept displaying anger.

Now she would not go out with me. And tells me when gets irritated with me tht she will not go out with me due to that event. I tried to calm her down but she does not listen



She says you will never change. You have made me cry so many times. And when she is normal mood, even then refuses to go out and says she just dont feel like and she is not angry with me. She says she is tired, and when pressed tells tht i am selfish.

(she is learning cooking ..and makes lots of mistakes ...like forgets to do a thing after reminded several times...my mom sometimes looses cool ...and reminds her in complaining tone. I defended her ..asked mom to have patience. )

She has keen sense of observation ! She watched me giving unsolicited advice(to my mom, relatives) and later reminded me that i should be careful abt this habit as it may reduce respect in others' eyes.



meriii
1704 days ago
another update:

she told me she will need to get up early to fold some sheets. She woke at 4 am. folded pillow covers ...unfolded ...then again folded. then went on to fold a prized bed sheet. the sheet had been used for few days. (she does not want to use tht sheet coz its difficult to wash and prized). she brought two bowls filled with water & cotton & handkercheif. then started observing the sheet. picking hairs and dirt from that took around 20-30 mins.

I was very cooperative with her. she was happy.Then she told we wont have s**. And only agreed when we shifted to floor. used sheet on floor.(new inexpensive sheet but belongs to mom).

Mom watched her washing hands at midnight.(she went to toilet after s**). Mom is planning to confront her and tell her not to do. I stopped mom and told dont push her else ..thing would be even problematic.

Now i repeatedly requested her to go to doc for her skin prob. she agreed but requested to keep it private. I dont knw how to tell her behaviour needs therapy or counselling. She is very touchy ...will get depressed if she feels i am 'doubting' her sense.

she has a old handkerchief ..she keeps her keys in that.

i again noticed her pattern of talking. say if i say u r such a nice girl. she would would say ...hmmm nice girl ...well its not like tht ...since u are cooperating...etc etc.

even if she says something....then same pattern....hmm...its not like that...

and her habit of repeating things...

I guess she is behaving like this with me more often ...she is not like that with her sisters/parents.



meriii
1703 days ago
Another observation:

Today, my wife again inquired me same question:

can we get the furniture ...refurbished/renewed/

when it gets old....after some years....how long would it last..?

i said ...well yes...but why u bother abt such things...

things get old, broken ...everything has a duration...

we will buy new stuff...

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she then questions ..can we repair it...how ...tell me details....

i got irritated...i said ..i will donate it ....throw it ..i dont care...

she says ...oh ...i know ...u dont care abt anything..

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Note: her tone is not complaining or serious...

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Mom says ...she does not mix/talk with neighborhood women of her age...she simply says hello ..or perfunctionary short replies...

i suggest mom to keep patience.

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bella
1701 days ago
Hi Meriii,

I think the most important thing is to treat her uncomfortable skin problem - is she picking or scratching too much? The only thing I would agree is OCD like is the extreme folding of clothes and sheets, especially if she gets up early to do it. Can you calmly show her some information on the computer about OCD. I also want to say in her defense, that it must be a little hard living with your mom - I'm not saying your mom is bad though. If she does have OCD - it will only make her symptoms worse if you and your mom try to control her hand washing. Try not to watch her so closely and tell her what to do. Can you visit your family doctor and discuss this with him/her?



meriii
1700 days ago
is she picking or scratching too much?

she does not pick all the time. but whenever she does..she has blood on her nails. She feels embarrassed and says that even one mosquito bite makes her uneasy. but she picks skin without any mosquito bites as well.(she used aloe vera at her parents home...and has great knowledge abt the aloe vera plant)

I told her abt OCD in very calm and caring manner..

her response :

I dont know how am i going to live with you for my whole life.u will label me crazy ...u are not careful of what u speak in front of mom. (Reminds me of my rash talks and her feeling so hurt, and tells me how she takes care of my image/respect in front of her parents).

i apologised sincerely. I expressed my fear abt her health.

she initially agreed to go to psychatrist then said ..she will go with her parent only as she does not rely on my judgement.

THEN

the drawer of the bed got stuck at night. Now she was overly careful that it does not gets broken. I pushed the drawer in the morning . Now she inquired me at least 5-7 times ...to remember if i had pushed the drawer with force..did it made any sound...asked me to be honest...and did not beleive my words.

I returned during the day ...she asked me same thing ...i explained her again...she kept saying ...be truthful!!

i asked if she need something from market...she said..no dear..but take care to preserve what we have already.

(Its not that she talks like this all the time. she do crack joke ...if i try to inquire if she had any boyfriend before marriage!! )

And before the drawer broke down...

She had purchased two hanky/napkins. she folded ..unfolded..folded and put then very carefully . Now i asked if can feel the cloth...said ...NO..u should have checked at the shop....& i said what if i disarrange it by taking it forcefully ...she said she will throw it in dustbin ..or give it to me...and when i asked if a child did ...she said ..a child does not understand but u do. She ramained alert that i did not disarranged it even by mistake.

later she put the napkins in a box ...where all her gifts are kept ..under the bed drawer.



meriii
1697 days ago
Another observation:

she kept asking me abt the drawer. asked me to re enact the scenes ...how i pulled the drawer etc.

i told her ..its bad habit ..to spend time over such thing..how can she be so excessively attached to her belongings...she said ..being a man i wont have attachment as a lady would have.

Then she requested me 3 days back that she needs to put some clothes in bed drawer..i agreed. She took a lot of time but finally completed it. And then WENT TO TOILET AND RETURNED ...I CHECKED HER HAND ...WASHED UPTO FOREHANDS.(ITS WINTER HERE).

Now last night, she requested tht she cant do things fast & multitask. She had few clothes she needs to fold as she cant do in front of mom. (Mom asks her to do things fast).

She woke up at 2am. and told she need to go to toilet to spash water on face as she is feeling sleepy. she went and

washed her hands with soap. and secretly brought a bowl full of water. I enquired . Later she said ..she thought i would get bothered if i noted that she brought water to clean stains on her clothes...i asked where are the stains...NOW SHE POINTED ME CORNER OF HER CLOTH ..I SAID ..THERE IS NO STAIN..SHE SAID ..HER PERIOD IS ON...& SHE SAW A STAIN ...BUT I DONT THINK SHE HAD REALLY ANY VISIBLE STAIN ON HER CLOTH. MAY BE IT HAD DRIED.

What i have noted is she took 20 mins for folding a cloth which generally should be done in 2 mins. she felt like crying. She has same problem while cooking food. She had taken a course in stiching..for a year but cant make a stitch properly. Does she has any learning disorder...or attention disorder..

oh yes, one more thing..she snaps her thumb on the nose so hard that it makes a sound of snapping...she does does it two -three times.

i requested her again to go to a doc..but she is uncomfortable with the suggestion.

actaully writing here is helping me document. Its better to ask for help early.



meriii
1695 days ago
Me again!

Today again, she inquired me several times abt the broken drawer. And also abt the micro dent she has made on furniture.

(She asks if we can get the dented door repaired or replaced with the same carpenter who designed it. I promised that i will call carpenter to repair it. she later herself asked not to call .)

I also saw her tapping on curtains cloth with her fingers.

Also noticed, she washed her hands WITH SOAP after having DINNER.

She seems to remain in bad mood due to mom's disciplinary attitude. But when asked says she is bothered due to the furniture.(drawer, dent on door)

She refuses to go out ...for movies or mall and even when goes out ..does not enjoy.



Chemar
1695 days ago
meriii

there really isnt much more anyone here can do to help...we have offered suggestions.

the very best solution is to seek professional evaluation and treatment for your wife, as well as for yourselves as a couple

it almost sounds as if *you* have become obsessed with analyzing her behavior............



meriii
1694 days ago
"it almost sounds as if *you* have become obsessed with analyzing her behavior. "

I had a neighbor with similar traits and she suffered whole life without any diagnosis.

And yes i have written every single minute observation..i thought i willl need it later . ..i will need valid points to convince my wife before i ask her again to take medical advice.

she is still bothered abt the furniture.(drawer and the dent). she showed me drawer and asked something which can be only seen by magnifying glass or very very keen eyes. I TOLD HER DOUBTS ARE ABSURB AND ILLOGICAL AND STUPID.(in caring and positive tone).But she says she will not get relief until the furniture is fixed.



KatieH
1689 days ago
Hi meriii,

might I sugests that you take a break from your observation and really take time to read over take in some of the excellent advice you have been you have recived.

You might want to consider the idea that your wife is picking up on the fact your are constently observing her behaviour. This maybe causing her to feel unrest, stress, or anxiety among other things, which may be causing her to seek comfort in these certain behaviours, therefore escelating what you see as a problem.

Obviously know your wife is more that just a set of behaviours, and you are conserned, although you might find that if you ease up on her a bit, she might come round to the idea of seeing a therapist in her own time. After all it should really be her decision.



meriii
1689 days ago
Thanks katieH!

I dont tell her that i am observing her...i appear calm and normal after i got suggestions here.

But i am getting more & more convinced by her behaviour that she has mild OCD or anxiety.

latest observation:

1.while eating food (mostly we sit on floor) she bends at 45 degree angle ....so that nothing falls on her clothes.

and when she is standing while eating food she angles herself so tht nothing falls on her cloth.

She gets very angry if i make her clothes/sheets etc dirty.

she wont fold blanket coz her hands are dirty ...why dirty...she just washed some utensils in kitchen..though her hands were perfectly clean!!

she washes hand with soap after dinner/lunch. I have never seen anyone washing hands with soap after eating food. water is sufficient.

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micro observations (i know i am overreacting this time!!) :

she asked me to repeat "a sentence" (the sentence = mom will get angry if she talked in disrespected manner). I did not repeat the words she asked me to utter! she became uneasy and made me speak those words. LOL.