Avatar Posted by Beth16711 166 days ago (Question)
I have been seeing my therapist for 2 years. I think she is a good therapist but for the last few months I feel tension between us because I disagreed with her. Last month, I asked her if she was sorry that she picked me as a patient. She wouldn't answer the question. All she said was if I'm unhappy she will give me recommendations to other therapists. Yesterday I sent her an email asking her what I did to her that she dislikes me so much. Her answer was she is sorry I feel that my therapist doesn't like me and she can give me referrals. She is strict, put all these boundaries on me but I have transference feelings that she is god-like (not erotic feelings). I want to continue working with her and want to work on these issues but all she says if I'm not happy she will refer me to other therapist. I don't know what to do. I don't know why she is mean to me. Is there anything I could say to her to save this relationship or should I just move on. It's so hard to find good therapists!!


Answers


Chemar
165 days ago
Hi

perhaps the therapist feels uncomfortable with you seeing her as "godlike"? No-one wants to be elevated to that unnatural level! I also think you need to realize that it is unethical for a therapist to become personal with a patient to the point of answering the type of questions you are asking her eg if she regrets having you as a patient, or if she dislikes you etc.

It sounds to me like these things are making her uncomfortable as it is you that is crossing the line with them, and that is why she is offering a referral.

I think you should just accept that you are not always going to agree with the therapist, but that she IS the professional and that if you want to continue seeing her, you need to get your expectations and reactions into balance and let this matter rest. Otherwise, yes, you should likely move on...
- 0 +



Beth16711
160 days ago
Hi Chemar, I never thought that these questions were too personal. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. That makes me feel so much better that she can't answer them instead of wont answer them. By the way, I don't think she knows that I see her like godlike. The other day, I sent her an email and apologized to her. She said if I want to She would be happy to still work with me. I feel so much better. Thanks for the clarity!
- 0 +



bella
165 days ago
I agree with Chemar. Have you told your therapist you're struggling with this transference issue?? Also agree you shouldn't ask her why she doesn't like you - therapists are there to treat the patient and not form personal likes or dislikes. You asking her is just to get her to say what you want or inflame your needs for her to like you.

If you and your therapist don't feel this transference can be worked out, you should find another therapist. Its important to tell the new one you struggle with transference. You need to work on the real issues and not worry if the therapist likes you or not. Best of luck in getting well and freeing your mind of this.
- 0 +



Tink67
162 days ago
Hi Beth16711,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this with your therapist. It sounds very similar to my past situation where I saw a female therapist for 2 years and transference occurred. I liked this therapist too much - like a mother or close friend. Boundaries were an issue. I even gave her gifts. We started experiencing the same issues you mentioned above. I disagreed with some of our treatment, and she became upset - feeling like I disrespected and devalued her. We terminated therapy and things ended bitterly. It truly broke my heart. But, I know ending treatment was for the best because of the transference and boundaries issue that we had. You are right that it's difficult to find a good therapist, and I've seen several and never experienced transference issues before. My hope is that I can find a good MALE therapist to continue my treatment program. I hope that you can work things through with your therapist. If the transference continues to be a problem, it's best that you end things now before things become too hurtful. It's better to end the relationship on a good note - especially given the fact that you've already invested so much time and energy into the relationship.

I wish you the best of luck! Maybe a male therapist is a thought? :)
- 0 +



kateflynn
161 days ago
This therapist is working for YOU. Sounds to me like she has a power issue going on. There are NO questions that are inappriate to ask her. She can choose to answer, or not, but she should answer questions about if she likes you. My point is if a therapist can't hide her feelings of dislike (if that is what it is), she should be gentle and ethical and find a way to refer you to someone else. If you don't feel liked or cared for by her, then SHE has the problem. Therapists are supposed to be kind and be a safe place to share ANYthing a client wants to. If you don't feel liked or cared about, then SHE isn't a good therapist. They are supposed to be trained to work with a client they might be uncomfortable with. She skated around your question and answered with that you could find someone else. That was a rejecting statement. She could have found a better way to answer your question, and she should have. Why would anyone want to stay with a therapist that they felt didn't like them. That makes no sense. Clients aren't stupid, and if you sense she doesn't like you; it probably has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with her issues.
- 0 +



Beth16711
160 days ago
Hi Kateflynn, thanks for ur response. I will see how the next few weeks go. She said she will still work with me if that's what I want. It's this transference thing, I don't know how to move on and she won't discuss it with me. I take so much crap from her and then I apologize to her. You are correct, she has this power issue going on.
- 0 +



kateflynn
159 days ago
Beth: You should know that transference isn't just a psych. word, it is present in ALL relationships. She needs to discuss ANY and ALL of your feelings; if she is uncomfortable with ANY of your feelings she hasn't been trained sufficiently. You shouldn't be taking "crap" from her. Like I said she has issues, and the last thing a client needs is a therapist who hasn't addressed ad worked thru their issues; that needs to be done lonnnng before they ever get a degree.
- 0 +



CGrassa
159 days ago
Hi Beth. Although I don't have a specific answer for you, I can see I have experienced this myself. I seen a therapist for a while that really helped me resolve a lot of things, and then suddenly he started acting different and talking to me very condescendingly. I decided to stop seeing him.
- 0 +