I am 30 years old and I consider my life to be a total mess. I worry constantly about everything, from the future to travelling into work. I just tend to assume something bad is going to happen. Minor worries or concerns become massive issues. Whenever my manager fails to say hello to me in the morning I will assume it is because I have done something wrong but this is never the case. Despite knowing this I repeat this impulse time and time again.
The other problem I have is that I procrastinate about everything. I am a chronic procrastinator, I delay any task that I need to complete; whether it is work, paying bills, returning library books etc. I end up having to pay a fortune in overdue library fines and I have a poor credit history because I’ve missed so many payments; even though I have the money to make the payments I just cannot be bothered to do so. I’ve had to leave 4 different jobs because of this. I would often turn up late, fail to attend meetings or complete the work I was give. I cannot explain why I do what I do. I just think to myself ‘I’ll do this tomorrow’ but I never ever do it.
I also have problems making decisions, I simply freeze when I have to choose something or make a decision. I feel as if I am overcome by fear and panic. Another issue I have is a very short temper. I am angry at myself and the world. The smallest thing can trigger it, from someone talking whilst I am in the office to having to queue for more than 2 minutes. However, I fear I am showing some narcissistic behaviour, if someone doesn’t reply to an email from me within the hour I become angry.
I dont have any friends so I spend most of my time alone. I think about the past, how my friends from school are doing well and i am not.
I have tried therapy (CBT and other types) but nothing as worked. My mother had bipolar disorder when I was 11 years old and it lasted for almost 6 years. My childhood was very unhappy but I hate being this unsure, scared, worried person who has failed to make the most of a single day and has wasted the last 15 years of his life. How do I change?