Life is out of control and a mess.


I am 30 years old and I consider my life to be a total mess. I worry constantly about everything, from the future to travelling into work. I just tend to assume something bad is going to happen. Minor worries or concerns become massive issues. Whenever my manager fails to say hello to me in the morning I will assume it is because I have done something wrong but this is never the case. Despite knowing this I repeat this impulse time and time again.

The other problem I have is that I procrastinate about everything. I am a chronic procrastinator, I delay any task that I need to complete; whether it is work, paying bills, returning library books etc. I end up having to pay a fortune in overdue library fines and I have a poor credit history because I’ve missed so many payments; even though I have the money to make the payments I just cannot be bothered to do so. I’ve had to leave 4 different jobs because of this. I would often turn up late, fail to attend meetings or complete the work I was give. I cannot explain why I do what I do. I just think to myself ‘I’ll do this tomorrow’ but I never ever do it.

I also have problems making decisions, I simply freeze when I have to choose something or make a decision. I feel as if I am overcome by fear and panic. Another issue I have is a very short temper. I am angry at myself and the world. The smallest thing can trigger it, from someone talking whilst I am in the office to having to queue for more than 2 minutes. However, I fear I am showing some narcissistic behaviour, if someone doesn’t reply to an email from me within the hour I become angry.

I dont have any friends so I spend most of my time alone. I think about the past, how my friends from school are doing well and i am not.

I have tried therapy (CBT and other types) but nothing as worked. My mother had bipolar disorder when I was 11 years old and it lasted for almost 6 years. My childhood was very unhappy but I hate being this unsure, scared, worried person who has failed to make the most of a single day and has wasted the last 15 years of his life. How do I change?


Answers


bella
1633 days ago
It must be hard when you feel your life is out of control. I think your troubles are related in part, to being raised in an unhappy home. Children look to their parents for validation and how to be productive members of society. Parents teach their children how to be responsible adults. If your mom had bopolar disorder, she would have it for her lifetime. So either she was misdiagnosed or she stopped her medication.

I hear in your post a lot of anxiety, low self esteem, procrastination and self sabotage. You need to develope some good organization skills and self discipline. Get yourself a huge calendar and a planner. Do this for 1 month and see how it works. Pay your bills through automatic banking -- make you sure you check it well though. Write down all your deadlines and stick to it.

With the anxiety - you can learn how to control it, but it takes practice. Look up mindfulness which is paying attention to your thoughts and how they affect your body reactions. It also means living in the moment and paying attention to the task at hand. I hear in your post - you're looking for validation outside yourself - from your boss and peers. Try not to assume your boss in upset with you - when the thought comes up. reassure yourself it's not true and go on wihh your day. Recognize the thought but don't validate it in your mind, then let it go. Regarding worry, this is my philosophy - change what you can, accept what you can't and let it go. This is just like the 'serenity prayer'.

If after a few months you don't see an improvement, you should consult a doctor. Keep in mind the more organized and simple you can make your life, the better. Best of luck



Edahn
1633 days ago
I think a big part of this puzzle is not appreciating how your habits are affecting your mental/emotional life which are leaving you depressed, diffused, and lacking focus.Sit back and think for a minute about how you want you life to go--the things you want for yourself, the things that will make you happy and peaceful, the lifestyle that you always wanted to have. Don't let your laziness and despair overpower you and control your thoughts. Take control and think about what you would like to accomplish. What would you like to feel like in the future? What types of relationships do you want to have with people? What type of relationship do you want to have with yourself? What type of mental life do you want? What kind of people do you want in your life? Get a good image of that person. See him going through life, relating to people, coming home, living in peace, doing things, making changes in the world, etc.

Once you have a good picture of that person, ask yourself if you see yourself going down that path right now. Are you heading towards that goal or away from it? What do you need to do to get closer to that goal?

From what bella and I can see, your moods are running your life, sapping your motivation, and affecting your relationship with other. They're steering you towards a state of despair and sadness, rather than the life you imagine, full of contentment, productivity, and creativity. Your moods are generating and being generated by your bad habits. Since it's easier to change habits than moods, the logical place to start is with your moods.

Take bella's advice about the calendar. The main thing is that you stick to it. Push yourself and FORCE YOURSELF to do the things you don't want to do. Recently, I decided I would start volunteering to do all the stuff other people didn't want to do: errands, chores, assignments, whatever. It was a drag at first, but now it's routine and my mind doesn't care as much. Try that.

Another thing you want to do is clean your house and keep it clean. It'll promote mental calmness and clarity.

Automatic bill paying is a great idea. Alternatively, you can schedule "PAY BILLS" every Tuesday and Friday. And again, DO IT. Don't make excuses, just do it.

When you simplify your life with these techniques, your mind will quiet down, and so will the worrying and anger. First you'll just notice it more. Then you'll see that you have an option about whether to follow it or not. If you keep remembering the kind of person you want to be, you can choose the way you want to react and choose wisely.

Start with some of these suggestions. If you'd like some more help, you can and should consult a therapist, perhaps a behavioral therapist.