To start off with my daughter has had a history of telling small lies that have not harmed anyone throughout her childhood. Things like, "my Mom has cancer', "I went on vacation", I have been on Multiple abroad trips". etc.

I had forgotten this pattern & have probably dismissed more than I should have.
Now she is 22 & over last 6-7 months in a new relationship. Moved in with him quickly & came to me in July and announced "I am pregnant". She was very happy- and I was stunned- however happy for her as well, as she had a previously lost a baby in 9/08 & I knew that she had probably replaced her guilt quickly by becoming pregnant.

Up to this point I had never met the boyfriend.They live over an hour away & there was always a reason they could not meet. Every attempt I made there was an excuse that he could not come; working, etc. Then in August they went on a vaction to an island that they had planned due to a friend getting married there.
She called my throughout her time away, and then asked if I would pay for wedding, they wanted to get married ob the beach. My first response was no, since I had not met him yet. However, I did pay for wedding. Upon their return after 3-4 days I told her I wanted to meet for dinner. Again another excuse.
I exploded and explained that this needed to happen.
I then placed a call to his work and left a message of whoI was & to call me. Is Mom lives in another state- I called her with same message. He never called back- however his Mom did.
One of the first things she said after we established who I was , she asked, "Oh you ARE alive?"
She reports her son had told her in June that my Husband & I,and her brother died in a traumatic event. I am unsure of the details she was told.

My daughter is very close to me & the family. Up until this day, she visited routinely & we talked every 2-3 days. She has attended all the family get-togethers as uxusal over last 6-7 months. I have bought baby things, maternity clothes , etc.

I have no idea why she would say these things. I know that she has said different "strange" lies to other boyfriends, the kind that seem like desperation things that would make them feel sorry for her & stay with her.

Her biological father & I divorced when she was 5 years old. He lives in same town, however has never showed up for a birthday, Christmas present or a card or much if any acknoledgement.
I am thinking that possibly she has abondoment issues?



Answers


bella
1942 days ago
I agree this is a very serious lying problem. Although she may have abandonment issues, I don't think this could cause her to lie like this. I wonder what her husband thinks of this lie. I think your daughter should get into counselling with a few joint sessions altogether. Could you get his family with yours and get together for a family dinner. Have you asked her why she said this?? I think you should nicely tell her that you love her, but you expect her to be truthful to all family members and not to make up huge lies anymore. This must be very puzzling and hurtful for you. I hope it all works out. Bella



dana
1941 days ago
I agree with every thing you are saying. I went with my brother to see them- whom I still had not met her now Husband. It was quite obvious that she has told another lie to explain that no her family is not "dead" but that probably (I am guessing) described a bad child hood or something. They were walking out of apt as we were walking up- the Husband said, "we have nothing to talk about & get away from my wife!" They have only known each other 6 months- so he only knows the truths that he tells her. He believes her 100% & is protecting her from her "bad" family.

I do not know of any horrible things in her child hood. In between being on swim team, reading to her each night, cheerleading, family trips, etc. But I also know she had trapped herself with first lie and that at this time she wants to be with this guy more than anything else in the world.

I have never hurt so bad- or cried so hard as I have tonight. We have always been close. I am afraid that due to these lies, I will not be able to be there for her as she goes through this pregnancy & I do not know how long it will take for her to return to our family. We have a nice/supportive family. We all love her more than she can imagine. My husband just says they need to live their relatiy & she will be back. But I am not so sure. She is 100% totally co-dependent on him finacially . I pray my husband is right. For me it is like I lost my daughter. I have been grieving since last Thursday. You never imagine that this could happen- excet on a Dr. Phil show to someone else. I hope she realizes that she needs to own her lies & that she can have her family & this guy. It is absolutly killing me.



bella
1941 days ago
I'm so very sorry you're in so much pain. You mentioned you spoke to his mother. Can you call her and ask her to speak to her son and tell him that you're not a bad family. Perhaps you and your husband can visit him at work. If none of this works then the only thing I can think of is when the baby is born you can sue(I know this sounds extreme) for grandparents rights to see your grandchild. This would force them to open up the lines of communication. Please let us know about any progress you make. It doesn't make sense how you payed for their wedding and her husbands not willing to meet you. Does her husband know you payed for their wedding?



dana
1940 days ago
I have never been in this much pain. I do not wish this on anyone. His Mom is from a small town in another state, and I can tell that she thinks there has to be something we have done that has caused her to lie. She has never met my daughter or our familiy- or this would be much easier.

I am giving myself one more day to grieve. It's like she died- but worse- there is no body to bury. And a car wreck would not be intentional. I have to get back to work and I have to focus on something else. I am hoping that she will come around. It does not help that I am a psych-nurse and work with schizophrenics/sociopath/substance abuse people. I love my job- but when crap like this out of no where happens- it's hard to be an efective nurse.

Her little brother is hurt horribly- he is 20 & he has idolized her. He is acting like all is good.I know he is being strong so that I can be weak. But- I know his heart hurts! I am now hiting the anger stage- of HOW CAN SHE DO THIS?! My husband reminds me that parents lose the children every day to drugs, gangs, prostituition & all other things. His answer is let it be- she will return.

I just worry because I think she got in too deep this time. I have no idea if he knows we paid for the wedding- I just looked at the pictures & at this point I am glad hat I have not ordered any. Thanks for listening.



bella
1940 days ago
I think your husband is right - that eventually she will come around. Just don't bail her out immediately or give her money again unless she agrees to get help and open the lines of communication again. Doesn't his mother want to meet her new daughter inlaw or meet you. This is so odd that your daughter and her husband have never met they're inlaws!!

I think you should just go on with your life and eventually somethings going to give in the future. I had a brother(now deceased) who had manic depression and he totally alienated himself from the whole family. I can relate to what you said about 'mourning' for your daughter because I mourned the loss of closeness for my brother. I'm sure though it's magnified greatly in your case because it's YOUR CHILD. I'm sure every mother wants to share in her daughter's wedding and especially a grandchild on the way. I'm so sorry for your pain and I hope things will turn your way soon. Perhaps you can wirite her husband a letter or like I said before meet him at his work. All the best to you and your family and don't let this destroy you. Hugs, Bella



Clyde
1931 days ago
I think your husband is right too. Things will get better if you dont allow her to just come to use you as a bank and you just do things like talk to her and try to help her without emptying your pockets.

Best,

Clyde