My 21 year old daughter has had self esteem issues since she was little. She has always craved alot of attention from a very young age. She lies constantly. She does not do drugs because she is tested for them in the job she does. Although she hangs around with bad people. She was in a abuse relationship for a year, which she finally got out of. My other two children and my husband and myself are honest people to the extreme.Could her lies be a symptom of some pschological or genetic disorder? How can I get help for her lies?


Answers


Rhiannon
2007 days ago
Depends what the lies are about. She could have severe self esteem issues, or something really bad could have happened to her as a child, and she is creating a new life for herself.

I was badly sexually molested as a 3 yr old. I can still hear the doctor they took me to saying "Don't ever mention it to her, and she will forget about the whole thing". He was so incredibly wrong. And I started telling lies, not to be bad, but to make my parents ask me questions. So we could talk about what happened. They never did. That is the power doctors have over the lives of others.

Then when I was older, because they just didn't get it I started telling lies to hurt them, the way I was hurt, because they didn't care enough to ignore the doctor and tell me that everything would be ok, that it wasn't my fault. And I told some doosies...which embarassed them no end, then it became a habit and so hard to stop...but my dad died and I was devastated, and I eventually told my mum that I never did forget and that I lied for more than one reason. To hurt them yes, but also because the 3 men who molested me still lived in our row of houses, and they started to threaten me about my baby sister, I flipped out about that, and I could never leave her alone outside the house for a moment. But because I remembered the doctors words I thought I couldn't speak about it, it was wrong to speak about it.

I grew up so confused, so sad and so angry. I turned to alcohol, drugs, anything to try and blot out the pain and the self hatred I felt. It must have been my fault or we could speak about it.

I eventually got help, funnily enough from a spiritual learning (not religious), and my whole life changed in a moment. I was able to forgive the men who did it, but not myself, don't know why, still working on that. I stopped telling lies and realised why I trained myself into telling them. I had to be someone else to be lovable...Now it doesn't matter. But I am still sifting through and dealing with the crash site debris around me. I'll get there.

But please before you judge her, before you see it as your problem think back..did anything happen? something that could have missed your attention? Something that made her afraid to go to a certain place. Did she cling to you when certain people were in her presence? Did she hide behind furniture when they were there? did she wash herself raw with soap until she bled? Whatever the clues, they were there...it's not always a walter mitty syndrome, wanting simply to be someone else for excitements sake, sometimes there is a real reason.

I wish you all well, and that it gets sorted out, for all your sakes



Edahn
2006 days ago
I get the feeling that she's addicted to the rush and tension it creates as well as the attention it pays off. Maybe you can have a heart to heart with her asking her how YOU'RE doing as a parent, what she could change, and ask her to DISCUSS telling the truth and why she doesn't always do it. Rhiannon is right, DON'T judge her. She's not going to change by you making her feel like something is wrong with her. The most you can do, assuming you really want to help her and not just voice frustration for your own benefit (which I'm assuming) is to make HER reflect on it in a positive, nurturing atmosphere. Let HER wonder why she's doing it and let HER consider that maybe she doesn't have to do it, and that she's fine the way she is. If you're not ready to really trust her to fix it on her own, on her timetable, then I wouldn't even bring the lying up and just focus on the first part. You can't fake nurturing support.



Clyde
2001 days ago
I do understand you are worried about her lying, but you do kind of sound like you are trying to justify your own families actions a bit too.

Can you talk to her and see what can be done and why she feels the way she is feeling about you all?

Best,

Clyde