Avatar Posted by AWATS 321 days ago (Question)
I got married almost 2 years ago and moved an hour away from my mom, dad and sister. The move was hard but necessary due to the fact my husband is the main worker in the house and that is where he worked!
My husband and I are well off and make pretty good money, we are not rich by any means but we do not struggle financially. But my parents have become so rude and mean to me! I have always been the child in the family who never gave them problems and done what they have asked of me. Nothing has changed except for the fact I live an hour away and work full time making it hard to see them weekly.
I am very happy in my life and yet whenever I am with my family I end up in tears and feeling horrible about myself! They constantly put me down and make fun of new purchases. Being newly married we had to furnish a house and are still working on it. So, when I buy something new for the house it's exciting! But my parents and sister will tell me how ugly it is! Or how I have to taste. Then if I don't have something (for instance 2 years into marriage I have no dining table so we sit around an island to eat) but this is just wrong in there eyes! They give me a hard time for NOT having a dining table and yet when I go look for one they constantly put down everything I see and like.
I am not one to put up with people being rude to me but I feel like I have to because it's my parents and sister!
They never ever say anything mean or put me down in front of my husband! It is ONLY when I am with them by myself. I don't know what to do because it is straining the relationship between my husband and them. He loves me and see the aftermath of what they put me through so he has become VERY protective of me.
What should I do? Should I say something to them? Should I brush it off and act like nothing has happened when they say mean rude things?
I don't know what to do because I love them they are my family! But it has gotten to the point I don't want to be around them, I view my in-laws as my parents more so because of the fact that they love me and treat me great!
I am truly hurt by my family and what they have done to me but I feel like I have to keep trying to get them to say "Good Job" or "You are a great wife" SOMETHING! I have worked so hard to be where I am at and I am a great wife! My husband loves me and tells me everyday how great of a wife I am, how hard of a worker I am. When I get a promotion at work he is SO proud of me. And I have never heard my parents say we are so proud of you, or you've done a good job. Everything is ALWAYS negative.
It was never this way when I was at home and living with them. What changed? what do I do???


Answers

Written by Edahn 321 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

You need to set some firm boundaries. First off, don't ask them for their opinion. If you go to buy dining room tables, find one that you like and take a picture of it to show your husband or just buy it. When you ask for their opinion, you give them an opportunity to be snotty. Second, when they offer their OWN opinions about things, opinions that you have not asked for, tell them very firmly and confidently that you're simply not interested in their opinion if it's negative. If they want, they can express it to someone else, but that you have not asked for their opinion and are fully capable of living your life without it. If they keep pressing on, you can recommend that one of you leaves because you're not getting along. At first, it'll probably be kind of tense, but that's what it's like when you're trying to earn someone's respect. Eventually, they'll see that you are treating YOURSELF with respect, and that that entitles you to respect. Then, eventually, once you see that you truly have their respect and attention, you can start letting in some limited feedback, that you authorize, at your own pace. It'll all work out.

Just a little tip: If they say something like "you have to know what other people think in order to make good decisions" you can come back with "I am capable of making decisions on my own." Don't let them bully you!

Written by Clyde 319 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Maybe they are jealous of you? and you successes?

Dont ask them about their opinions, especially if you know it may upset you in the long run.

Do not let them tell you what to do. You live in your own house, pay your own bills, and support you and your husband. They have no reason to talk to you as such.

Best,

Clyde

Written by robmhill 317 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I have an older sister I worshipped as a small child, when I got older and more independent she turned on me and got nasty, still is. I was her pet and when I stopped being her pet she got angry. That is not love, that is using someone.

It sounds like you have a similar relationship, you were the good one who was always there, they now feel abandoned, they have lost their pet. If you love your child/sibling you want them to move on and have a good life. If you do not love them, if they are just a possession, you treat them like they are.

You do not owe them anything, they have no right to treat you this way. I am sure that it is hurting your spouse a lot. It would me.

You do not have to talk to them at all. If they loved you they would not treat you this way. They are trying to build themselves up by hurting you, like bullies in school.

Don't visit, delete their calls without listening, have your husband do it, same with emails. If they show up at your house call the cops. They are hurting you, the police are here to protect you.

I can not imagine how much this hurts your husband, the fact that he has not gone after them shows how much he loves you, he does not want to come between you and your family, he probably knows complaining could push you back, by making you defend them. He is suffering silently hoping you will gain the strength to defend yourself.

Leave them stay with him, he loves you they do not.

It sucks when you are not loved by those who are supposed to, but letting go is the only thing that will help.

I know this, my mother used to spend hours telling me how much she hated me, When I broke contact, my life got better. I did not talk to her for years, then she died.

People told me I would regret not talking to her before that. I never have. I found from siblings that she did not get any perspective before her death, she did not change even at the end. People who hurt others and think they are doing nothing wrong, do not change.

Protect yourself. You are a good person, you deserve it.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your husband.

Before he does something that will get him in trouble.

He is your family, one person who loves you is better than 3 who do not.


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