I'm 29 years old and about a year ago I got married. My husband and I had some problems 2 weeks into the marriage. We were able to work through them and are stronger now than we've ever been.

I stayed with my mom during the time my husband and I were having problems. Well, the day I went there and told her what was going on, her first response was "screw him" and I need to go get all my stuff from the house and move out. She didn't even encourage me to try and work things out.

Now that my husband and I have worked things out and are happy, she wants nothing to do with me. She basically told me that I was dead to her and as long as I'm with my husband I should consider her dead to me.

She sent me an email saying that I've embarrassed her and that she is ashamed of me.

I am really hurt and I don't know what to do. I obviously can't force her to want to have a relationship with me. She has exhibited this behavior in the past with her dad and her sister. She got into disputes with them and didn't talk to her dad until he had a stroke and she didn't talk to her sister for years.

When I told her I was engaged, she didn't seem as happy as I would have liked her to. As well when I was planning my wedding she didn't come do anything with me, she would always tell me to take my sister. When I asked her to walk me down the aisle, she said she didn't want to, that I should walk down by myself. She only did because my brother told her how upset I was that she said no.

She now hates my husband and his family. Which she never really got to know him the whole time we were together. She was always really busy working. She really didn't try and make an effort to get to know my in-laws either during the whole engagement. She didn't even come to my bridal shower.

I just don't know what to say to her. She has made me feel like I've done something awful to her. I don't have a relationship with my dad and I don't want to lose a relationship with my mother either, but I can't force her to want to have one with me.

Should I just leave it alone? Or should I try and talk to her again? I don't want her to says cruel things to me again, it's just too painful, nor do I want to say anything to her that is hurtful and I can't take back.

Any advice would be helpful and appreciated.


Answers


sfa1
1868 days ago
I think you should write your mom a heartfelt letter like you have written here. This way you do not have to directly speak to her and you can get your point across. She sounds like she is a very bitter person if she can just cast aside her own daughter. A Mom should always be there to support and give unconditional love to their children. You do not mention what happened with you Dad, maybe there break up has something to do with your Moms attitude about you going back to work out your marriage. Just stay strong and remember you did the right thing by working on fixing your marriage. As I said earlier I would write her a letter or email and that way you do not say anything in the heat of the moment. Then give it a bite of time and hopefully it all works out in the end.

Good Luck



Thumbelina
1868 days ago
Dear Aurore22i,

I agree with sfa1 that writing a letter to your mother might be helpful to you in getting your message across to her and leave you with the feeling that you are clear in what you want her to know about your feelings. However, you have pointed out that your mother has a long history of behaving in an aloof and disinterested manner and creating rifts between herself and close relatives that last for years. I would say that she has deep, emotional issues that have little if anything to do with you or the fact that you had an unfortunate incident with your husband only two weeks into your marriage. My own mother and I hever had a close relationship and that was not just limited to me. She died friendless and being no closer to any of her other three children. Unfortunately, she was never able to bond closely with any of her four children and I suspect that it had a lot to do with her own upbringing. Your mother may also be suffering from things that you know little about. My point is regardless of how much you wish that you and your mother had a very different relationship, she simply may not be capable of it for whatever reason. It would not be fair for you to continue wishing and hoping for it to change. I could be wrong, and for your sake and hers, would be wonderful. You can always continue to keep in touch with her and continue to extend formal invitation to family events, etc. But please don't beat yourself up trying to change your mother. It seems that her issues go back a lot further than your marriage. I wish you the best.



animalmom
1868 days ago
I can understand your stress...I, too had problems w/ my mom...she also didn't like my husband for a long time, frequently criticized or found fault with me for so long that even though I miss her, I just can't take her negative attitude anymore, & we haven't spoken or seen each other in about 10 years. I may have lost a mom, but I regained some of my self-confidence. Perhaps you could become friends w/ your husbands'parents



VeraConcerned
1867 days ago
Dear Aurore22i:

It would appear that your mother has made it perfectly clear that she does not want a relationship with you, for reasons you do not understand. And you have genuine feelings of hurt, rejection and feeling you have done something wrong to deserve this.

I attend a Recovery International self-help group (www.lowselfhelpsystems.org) and I would like to employ some RI concepts to your situation.

In RI, in order to feel better, we attempt to drop the judgments. The judgment against yourself that you somehow deserve this treatment; and the judgment against your mother because she is behaving this way. When we drop the judgments we start to feel better. And we apply concepts to help us do this.

Your mother is outer environment, something outside your control. Your distress is your inner environment and you have great control over this. You can write a letter to your mother expressing your feelings but you cannot control her response. That’s a hard lesson to learn. You have much more power in changing your own feelings than changing your mother’s attitude.

In RI, we try to deal with these situations in our lives with realism and commonsense. You do not need to feel ashamed that you have these feelings of hurt. It is a natural response.

You may never understand why your mother is behaving this way. One way you might be able to drop the judgment against your mother is to lower your standards for her. She does not have to live up to any ideal of motherhood. And if you expect her to do this, you are only going to make yourself unhappy.

And that suggests another RI concept—Expectations and Disappointment. When we set up unrealistic expectations, we are very likely to be frustrated and disappointed.

Also a RI concept is the willingness to bear discomfort. You are sad and hurt. Those feelings bring a lot of discomfort. Allow them to be and “This too shall pass.”

Your situation is sad and life does have a lot of sadness to it. And that is reality.

Watch your thoughts, avoid self indictment and other thoughts that bring on unneeded distress, recrimination against yourself or anger against your mother. They are the enemies of inner calm. You have the power to grow from this experience.



Clyde
1845 days ago
I hate to say it, but you may just have to let things go for a while, (or maybe forever) and see if she can change. Hopefully she will, but you cannot force it on her, and of course, it makes it a million times more worse for you to keep hearing/feeling it.

Best,

Clyde