My wife and I have had problems from almost the beginning regarding my family, specifically the tension between my wife and my mother. I have grown up with my parents and consider them to be the best parents I could've had. To my wife’s defense, my parents did do and say things early on to make my wife feel insecure or feel as if they haven’t accepted her yet and didn't respect her. But as time went on, these feelings inside my wife became much worse, to the point now that she is threatening to divorce me if we do not move out of state, even though my parents started to back down on the things that she disliked. She wants to never see them or deal with them again. The thoughts that she has about them are totally exaggerated, and I believe she has no really good reason to believe that they are so horrible, and that moving away from them is the only solution to “save our marriage”. She has admitted many times to having a severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder. She also has admitted on many occasions that she knows that she can be overbearing, and hard on everyone, and that she has exceptionally high standards of others. Also, from my interaction with her, she also has characteristics of bipolarizm, and really bad mood swings. I given her lots of space and was as understanding as possible during her pregnancy and even during the months followings her labor, but it isn’t getting any better. In fact its getting so much worse, that I am preparing myself for a possible divorce. This kills me inside due to the fact that we’ve just had our first child, and I love him dearly, and can’t imagine myself living without him.

Beyond that, I have a good stable job with excellent benefits and health insurance, and grew up in this city so I am familiar with everything that I will need to take care of my wife and our new born son. Moving to another state would mean starting all over, which makes me so nervous. Finding a new job, new place to live, dealing with a very expensive move due to the long distance for where she would like to move. I absolutely do not want to move and risk everything that I have built here.

What should I do? How should I approach her? When I first told here I had bad feelings about moving, it always started an intense fight and she would say, “Well I moved from my family and friends to marry you, so aren’t I worth you moving and doing the same”. She moved from another state when we got married 3 years ago.

Please help me.


Answers


bella
1680 days ago
You mentioned your wife was diagnosed with OCD. Is she on medication or in therapy? If not I think she should visit her doctor. Since I don't know your wifes side, my opinion won't be totally objective but I will say: I agree it's very unreasonable to expect you to leave a secure, well paying job and move to another state, especially when you have a new baby. I would also be afraid she might take your baby out of state for a 'visit' and stay there. Do you think she's unstable enough to do this?

I think this problem between your mom and wife can be solved - there's no need to move away. She can't compare her leaving for you, because you're the one with the stable job. The economy is very bad and there's no guarantee you'll find a good job with benefits. Your baby needs the stablity of a good job.

I think she's being immature to think moving away, is the solution. She can't expect you to be alienated from your family. This would also hurt your parents, not being able to see their grandchild. Sometimes when a woman has a baby, they often feel very over whelmed and even depressed. Tell her she should visit her doctor and that moving is out of the question. Stable jobs are hard to find and you won't risk, making you family unstable. Good luck.



aaman1m5
1680 days ago
She hasn’t been officially diagnosed for OCD, nor does she take medication or therapy. She exhibits many characteristics of being OCD. WE did however see a marriage counselor, but that didn’t produce any real solutions.

And as far as our living arrangements go, we are a single income family. She doesn’t work, and takes a few classes here and there (I also pay for most of her schooling). I’ve also taken in here two younger brothers that are now living with us for the past year. Her family members from other states frequently visit is as well, since it makes here feel at home when she sees the people she knows. I’ve even gone into financial debt trying to make her life here as comfortable as possible.

As far as your question if she is capable of taking my son away, I would say the capability is definitely there. I should also mention that she is unsure about so many things in her life. She rarely sticks to things to the end, she’s given up on so many things in her life. And due to her mood swings, some days she is close to the edge, so bad that in the recent past, she has had suicidal thoughts as well and has been physical with me at times (i.e., throwing objects, threatening me with a knife, and striking me on the face several times). And there are days, when she is the 100% opposite. She will be in a good mood, totally loving and kind. Just the revert back to her “bad side” the next day or an hour later because I just happened to talk to my parents that morning or because she didn’t sleep well or didn’t eat breakfast yet.

To add to this, I have defended her time and again with my parents. I continuously try to reconcile the differences they have had. At this point, my parents are even willing to totally stay away from her, not to call or stress her out or anything. She seems to think this is not good enough. She doesn’t want to try, she just wants to move away and “start over”. My parents think it’s a bad idea for us to move, and I get the feeling that if I move away, my relationship with my parents, although already a little troubled, will never be the way it was. My parents not being able to be around their grandson is a huge part of that as well.

How should I approach her? She has a very short fuse, and sometimes a single word can turn things from good to bad and from bad to worse. Should I speak to her family, of which I have good relations with? Should I speak to her alone, or with a mediator?



benam
1615 days ago
Hi aaman1m5,

I am also sailing in same boat. And looking for the answer to this situation.

My parents don't live with us. After marriage we just spent 3/4 days at my parent's place and its almost more than 2 years we didn't get a chance to visit my home town. My parents also understand my job situation and never forced us to visit them.

I love my parents because they faced lot of trouble in their life and raised me and provided best education. Don't want to hurt them. So, as I am earning good now, I send hardly 5% of my salary to them for their needs. They never asked for this but, I just want to keep them in comfort.

But, my wife doesn't like, talking to my parents and sending money to them. She thinks, they are done. No need to keep any more relation. Since last two years we had lot of fights/arguments on this and she says all bad things about my family and I just kept quite thinking that she is away from her family and I love her a lot. but, its hurting me a lot. I loosing my health and not able to concentrate on work.

I tried to do all work at home, washing, cooking, taking her to restaurants; on long trips to keep her happy. Even transfered lot of money to her accounts so that she would feel good. Her parents visited us, took them to long trips and spent lot of money.

She talks to her sister all day and hours with her parents. I never bothered. But, If I talk to my parents then she will start fighting/commenting about our conversation. That hurts a lot. So, I started talking to my parents in office. Now she thinks that we(with my parents) secretly talk about her and starts fight.

I can't discuss my situation with my parents because they are very emotional. and don't want to hurt them in this old age. Otherwise, they will be ready break relation with me for my wife seek. I am not sure, even then she will be happy or not.

Everyday is measurable for me..its killing...



bella
1680 days ago
You sound like a very generous person, to tolerate her brothers living with you. Just so you know we're not doctors or therapists here, just people who give advice. Since you have good relations with her family, I think you should talk to them. I think you also need to be firm with her - tell her that moving out of state is out of the question and you think she needs to visit her doctor. Maybe she has postpartum depression? If she ever uses physical violence with you again, tell her you will call the police on her. To be honest she sounds spoiled. If I were you I wouldn't go into debt in order to support her brothers and comply to your wifes wishes. How old are her brothers? How old is your son?



aaman1m5
1680 days ago
Her brothers are 12 and 15, our son is only 3 months old now. And don't get me wrong, I love her brothers too. They're nice kids, and they did not cause my debt. Its grown gradually since the first year of our marriage.



Edahn
1680 days ago
She has to learn how to back down and deal with this more gracefully, and you have to learn to the tools and attitude to help her do that. She has to get an idea of what she's doing and get some of the other issues (her resentment for having to choose YOU over HER family) out of the way so she can make a clear decision guided by her mind and not just her emotions. Another way of thinking about this is to say she has to learn how to better work with her emotions and to investigate and gain perspective of them, rather than just letting them tread all over the place. This'll take honesty, patience, and a commitment to work with these feelings.

Realistically, if this hasn't already happened with you, you both need to get some advice from someone wise and intelligent. You could try someone at your church if you're a churchgoer, but if not, you should consider seeing a marriage counselor. The counselor should be able to help her take apart some of her feelings (i.e., remove the anger component by having her talk to you) and then see if the situation is workable and whether her anxiety and mistrust is workable.

Good luck.



twentytroubles
1678 days ago
That sounds like an awful situation to be in.

I would try again with the couple counseling, and ideally she might benefit from individual counseling as well.

I don't think she has a right to want you to cut off ties with your family, or move. If there's a legitimate reason to move, it should be a mutual reason- not her saying "move or else." I would be nervous for a child to grow up around her, if it were me. I hope that you all find a way to work it out, for your sake, and your son's sake.



Mary Alice
1668 days ago
I sympathize with you, it does sound like you are unhappy.

However, as a woman who is married to man whose family treated me horribly from day one I realize that we do not have your wife's perspective here.

It sounds like your family and also her family have really overstepped their involvement in the relationship between you and your wife.

It's possible that your wife's isolation and mistreatment may be exasperating her anxiety. Especially since she has just had a baby.

Get some Marriage Counseling. Don't send her to get counseling as if she is the sum of the problem, go see a marriage counselor together.

I don't think my husband really cares much about the cruel way that his family ensures that I am always uncertain of my welcome. I moved to his hometown when we married. All of my family is in a different state.

My husband pretends not to notice the mistreatment but has made a few grudging efforts to talk to his family on my behalf to satisfy my 'delusional hypersensitivity' but his family's response was that I would have no sympathy, literally they stated this over one of our 'family dinners'. They treat each other very well so I don't think it's too much to expect them to treat me the same. I have made many efforts to try to win over his parents and his siblings, but they seem to enjoy doing or saying things to hurt me. Ultimately it hurts our marriage. I admit I do fantasize about moving away from them and leaving him behind too. I'd Never allow my family to treat him as his family has treated me, but he admits that my family has always welcomed him warmly.

Being treated horribly may even be tolerable if my husband's family weren't always coming over or inviting us over for dinners he insists we attend.

At family dinners I was disturbed to find that most of the conversation centers on laughing at some acquaintance's misfortune or discussing all that is wrong with such and such acquaintance.

In his family everyone always pretends all their problems are from outsiders while they are obviously unhappy with themselves and each other.

I remember mentioning to him that I was concerned about his sister since she seems morbidly depressed. His family never seems to notice or mention it. He told me that his family doesn't 'interfere'.

This cold unsupportive marriage has left me feeling emotionally neglected and isolated. I make sure that I do not miss one dose of my contraceptive because I no longer look forward to having children with him. I don't even tell him anymore when a member of his family does/says this or that thing. It just makes him angry with me and I'm tired of the arguments.

I think you should consider moving, if not to a different state then perhaps to a city farther away from your family, it would be a shame if you let your parents ruin your marriage because it is very likely that your family would not treat your next wife much differently, especially empowered as they may be by the feeling that they can control your marriage.

I sincerely hope this helped.



cheenu
1529 days ago
The solution to your problem lies in your question itself. 'my wife hates my family'' how awful you are ???? so is your wife not your family ??? After marriage if you still think your family is all others rather than your wife..how can you live a good life ?? Why did u even marry ??? why did you make your wives life a hell??? For god sake give her divorce let her find a better life.Please dont trouble her more that finally she would end up in a complicated mental situation which you could not probably help.

your wife moved from her family and friends to marry you,?she left every thing behind to start a family with you and you think its sillyy???when you cannot even think of yourself moving away,like what she did.

you are not worth enough to have the love of your wife and kid.You are content only by your parents love..live with them until you are done..! How can you forget that she loves you.she is a part of your day today life?? can you think of a practical day without her in your life ?? She could have choose to love anybody else in her life,she love you because she thinks u mean life to her...and have you thought how irrational you are to her ??

Try to understand your family is your wife and kid.love them..!! if not please let her go....



Unhappygf
1491 days ago
My wife hates my parents because I have too close of a relationship with them and she is jealous. She has a poor relationship with her own parents. Every time she expresses frustration with my family I tell them to back off. She has caused me to grow apart immensely from them, and for what benefit I do not know because she And I don't even get along anymore. My parents are loving, caring people and I now resent my wife enormously. I don't have the strength to leave her, and I know this is pathetic, but it is the truth. I now feel alone and like a disappointment to all.



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