Where to begin? I suppose i should provide some background i'm an 18 year old recent high school graduate, i currently reside with my grandparents and father in a rather cramped apartment. I've raised myself to the man that i am today with the morals that i have and so forth based on my own logical interpretation (or perhaps my biased opinion of logical) of how the world should be, I am very morally strong and have been defined by many as an excellent role model and the like. My issue is that I have absolutely no motivation at all, to do literally anything from waking up in the morning and going to work, to seeing my girlfriend or working out, to getting my license, i even lack the motivation to do things i enjoy or enjoyed at some point i should say. I've been dealing with this i'd say since roughly my 7th or 8th grade year and the above issue effectively ruined my highschool experience in addition to screwing me out of any hope of attending a reputable school and subsequently making something out of myself.
I have a very complicated past so for those few of you who actually take the time to read all of this (i apologize in advance for the length) i want you to be assured that i deeply appreciate it. I was born in Detroit, Michigan in 1994 my early family life was rather normal to my memory. My mother is mentally incompetent (bipolar disorder to extremems you wouldn't believe) and my father is a hopeless drug addict. My earliest childhood memories pretaining to any form of an issue between my parents would be the seisure i watched my father have when i was 6. From there on out my parents pretty much fought endlessly and for some reason i typically found myself in the middle. My mother convinced me that my father was to blame and essentially took all the guilt and responsiblity for all the problems she was responsible for off of her and put them onto my father. I had always found my mother to be irrational and she constantly had very violent outbursts towards me, i recall an instance where in the 5th grade i procrastinated on a project and the result was having my skull slammed into a wall multiple times as punishment for my lack of initiative. I hated my father because of my mothers lies and because he never stepped in to intervene in what i saw as my mother being irrational. After my mother would have a violent outburst she would almost instantaneously deny it and to this day she claims no responsiblity for ever having hurt or attempted to hurt me for any reason. As i started to grow older i began to resist her every day i breathed was a fight for survival (at least that's how it felt) i never once countered her violence with violence my rebellion was more of a blatant counter to her authority and her actions.
Although from a logical standpoint self defense would be an adequate defense mechanism and would've been a wise one to exhibit giving the circumstance, in the same since that it is wise it is also not. What i mean is that given the fact that i was a child her word was always taken over mine as fact. Always, it's a terrible thing to cry out desperately for help at every oppurtunity and have such cries always fall upon deaf ears. I was truly alone, i had plenty of friends and relationships and the like but all of that was irrelevant because everytime i came home (the one place in the world you should be conditioned by birth to feel safe) i felt like i was stepping into a hopeless warzone, a last stand of all my existence and the death of morality and logic. My mother so wrapped inside her pyschosis tried to suggest that i was the one who had "problems" she took me to a large variety of therapists and to a mental hospital claiming that there is something wrong with me because i resisted her. Obviously all of these attempts to find an illness that doesn't exist in me failed. My freshman year of highschool me and my father (based on my misconceptions) began to fight with large degrees of frequency, i hated his weakness and inability to stand up to my mother, i hated his lack of activity and his drugs and so forth. My father became violent over time, only when pushed beyond the limits a man should be pushed to and he i did counter with violence as self defence against a male i have no moral complaint with. When me and my father were at each others throats my mother retracted some degree of actuall motherly characteristics and for the first time in my existence attempted to take care of me and shield me from him.
They divorced because of this and my mother took me and the rest of my siblings to florida. I went through my next few years of highschool here still dealing with her craziness. I found an escape route or so it seemed in the form of the USMC i felt a recovery of motivation as i strived to enlist and join the ranks of the marines and my brothers who fight with them. Alas this to was taken from me my mother during one of her episodes called and lied to the police claiming that i beat up my brother resulting in my arrest for domestic battery. I spent a week in jail without even being made aware of why i was there and so forth. When i finally got out i lost everything that i had, i lost my job, i lost the marines, i lost my girlfriend of a year. My life was truly taken from my hands again by my mother. As part of my court ordered anger management therapy due to this arrest i went to a very very qualified mental health physician Daniel Lambe (i am potentially spelling his last name wrong) who i had briefly seen prior to my arrest to try and resolve my motivational issues. It was only through speaking with him that i was made aware of the real state of things in my life and finally had a "full picture" if you will. The one thing in particular he said that struck me as interesting was that and i quote "if it wasn't for you're anger and your ability to recognize that the events you've been faced with are far from normal you would be crazy." I stopped seeing him after my anger managemenet was resolved which i regret deeply. However at the time it was a deep breath to leave the enviroment of therapy and all it's connotations.
For what remained of my highschool i raised my grades in a last ditch attempt to graduate (sucessful attempt) while simaltaneously working 60 hours a week in an attempt to make as much money as possible to move out. The day after i graduated from highschool, June 2nd of this year my mother had another episode and kicked me out of the house. To give you an idea of how crazy my mother is this argument in particular was due to my inability to get the computer that lacked wi-fi connectivity to wirelessly connect to the internet. I was taken in by a friend, i increased the hours i worked and eventually i flew myself out to arizona where i was told things would be different for me, with the aide of my father and grandparents. I'm not stuck sitting in the hellhole i was raised in but my life is much the same inconvenience due to my mother preventing me i was never able to get my license. I'm not currently attending college because i couldn't afford to pay for it on my own (i am completely 100% financially alone) and i'm stuck working a dead end job with seemingly no hope of escape due in large part to circumstance. I have no doubt that i could pull myself out of this and get into school or back into the military in some capacity, i've worked myself to near death for far less an important cause.
My plea here is out of desperation, i have no motivation, no desire, i maintain the essemblance of a life merely because i'm still in a survival mentality and appearances are important. I desperately need some form of help to re-acquire my drive to get myself out of this whole i find myself in and onto something important enough to make use of the potential i'm aware i have. So if any of you out there have any idea on how i can manage such a thing, i am literally begging you for aide.
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