I have been married to my husband for 10 years, with 2 years in a relationship...sorta. I say sort of, because after my husband introduced me to his family, they hated me...and we broke up,but secretly, we still had a relationship. He would tell me that until I could change, no-one was to know that we were seeing each other.

His family told him I was ugly, fat, alcoholic, codependent and had psychological disorders. When I came to visit his family that first time, his sister constantly would hand me a wine cooler...so now, I am an alcoholic according to them, and my husband tells everyone this. I also had an eating disorder at the age of 12, and tried to give it up at 18 when pregnant with my first child. I shared this info with him, and that weight will always be a struggle with me. So, he told his family. He sat me down and told them that I was purging STILL...but really I wasn't. Now, 11 1/2 years later he still tells people this.

Anything I have ever had a problem with he uses against me, constantly to me face with his family, his friends and my friends Such as...I was raped as a child and he uses that against me...he says I enjoyed it, and says I am messed up in the head as a result. His family is no different. His mom and two sisters we diagnosed with bipolar. Both parents were alcoholics. His father used to bring home prostitutes in the home, he died from liver failure. His Mom no longer drinks. The kids also hopped around to different homes in the family and suffered sexual abuse from one of their mothers boyfriends.

There is a LONG history, but I will go to what he does CURRENTLY...He tells people I am an alcoholic, do drugs, bi-polor, sex addiction (sleep with several men and have wild sex parties),physical and verbally abusive to him, bisexual, financially irresponsible(claims I run up credit and go on shopping spree's),told people that our son is not his, that I slept around and that he loves him enough to raise him, oh and I have multiple eating disorders.

I remember his stories while he was dating me, about his ex-wife. I used to think she was a horrible mom and person...some of the stories about her are the same about me. I felt so bad for him and my step-daughter....I believed his lies about her and so did others.

2 yrs ago, we ALMOST divorced. He paid an attorney ALOT of money, and I couldn't get an attorney to go up against his attorney. Finally, I found one, and she told me I was going to lose the kids...because of his case. My husband had stacks of "FAKE" proof. Recently, I found papers of e-mails that he sent to all my friends, his family and people I never even met. He had pages of "stories" about me...in DETAIL about events that never even happened or twisted truths. I was shocked. The stories were so detailed that if it was not about ME, I would have believed every word of it!Obviously we did not divorce. Why? Because I did not want to lose my children, but I try to make every effort to make him happy( emotionally, physically, sexually...)... yet, he still tells these stories and acts like a Martyr for being with me.

He has a terrible temper, and comes home DAILY yelling, cussing and calling my daughters and I names such as: whore,slut, fuckers,lyers,stupid etc...

In public, he is the nicest guy ever. People often tell me how lucky I am to have him as my husband. He volunteers for EVERYTHING,get's public recognition and is just adored by so many. Why does he act like this around us? I'm afraid to say hello to my own neighbors, fearing they heard him yelling. I'm afraid to talk to any of my sons football team,seeing that he has told several of those people lies about me. Anyone he knows and I come in contact with, I constantly wonder what they are thinking about me. He has asked them to watch me in-case any unusual behavior surfaces.

He also has all our passwords on the computers, passwords on the phones, storage units(secret),his blackberry is password protected, I have no access to money-no credit, checkbooks, or even knowledge about how much money we have. I have to state my case as to why I need $5.00, and then show the receipt.

He tells people he doesn't drink because of his alcoholic parents, but it's a lie as well. He does drink, but he tries not to get too drunk. He becomes physically abusive when drunk.

He also has a history of affairs, but as of recent...I am pretty sure there is a new girl. Last week I found a safe in the house, I found his key and found stupid crap, but the things that really stuck out were two things. About 10 porn DVD's, which I already knew he had a problem with)and wire transfers to a girl in England and a passport that he bought her and I found her paperwork for it. She is apparently staying in our home on the paperwork. The first wire transfer went out a week after my husband and I got back from a trip to Singapore (Aug 09). I was also pregnant. Her visit was to happen a few weeks before the babie's birth. He disappeared for 2 days the week our son was born(Nov 09), he leaves constantly for no reason, says he is going to the bank at 9 at night and doesn't return for 3-4 hrs and sometimes not till morning. He tells me he doesn't have to tell me where he is going or what he is doing, that I am schizo and have mental problems and need to deal with them...this is usually his answer whenever he "disappears".

A few days ago, I also found recordings of me. I remember some of the times he recorded me. He was acting strange...nice actually, and it seemed like he was trying to get me upset, but oddly, for him he wasn't upset. Now, I know why... he was recording me. Sometimes he knows things about me and the kids that he shouldn't. My 17 year old is pretty sure he has the computer Key logged. She is constantly changing her e-mail and Facebook passwords, and yet, he seems to know stuff that was only in private e-mails. She also feels that we are being video recorded, by some of the statements he made to her. My children and I constantly feel we are being watched, and yet he just tried to make it out that we ALL have psychological problems.

I feel trapped, and I am always second guessing myself. He is constantly putting me down, that now I am starting to believe it. I don't want to believe his lies. I even went to a therapist for two years, and had 3 doctors give me a mental evaluation because of the things that he said about me. There are only findings were that I suffer from PTS.

The list of things he has done, is so long...I can't put it into one short summery. So, what is WRONG with him??? Why is he so perfect in the public eye, and to us...he is a monster? Could he possibly hate us this much or is there an actual medical condition for this? What can we do to help him,and get some peace in our home. We are so tired of walking on eggshells.


Answers


Edahn
1629 days ago
Paragraphs please.



StacyRenee
1629 days ago
I did not use paragraphs because I wasn't sure how much would be posted. I have never used this website before.



Edahn
1629 days ago
The whole thing will post. You can click "Edit" and add paragraphs. It would really help and I would be glad to read it and offer my take on your situation.



StacyRenee
1629 days ago
The only edit button I seen is in the answers.



StacyRenee
1629 days ago
Ahhh! I figured it out. I re-posted it.



bella
1629 days ago
No one can diagnose a person over the internet but the first thing that jumped out at me is - he sounds like a psychopath and pathological liar. How old are your children?

In my opinion you need to plan secretly how to get out of this marriage. Find out as much information about bank accounts, those secret papers he has, any evidence and move out with your kids and never go back. You may have to move to another town. Many abusers, psychopaths are very charming when they want to be.



StacyRenee
1629 days ago
Kids are ages 5 1/2 months-17 yrs.

He keeps all document on his work laptop. You need a security clearance card to access his laptop( 20+ yrs retired military...Intel, GPS, Space Systems Management,COMM,ETC. No paperwork in the mail...EVERYTHING requires a password.

If I moved out or away, he would find me. He's very intelligent and obsessive. Plus, like my attorney said...he would get our kids. He has everyone and his brothers convinced I am nuts...only my close friends and family know the truth.



bella
1629 days ago
Is there any record of psychological problems, where you've seen a doctor, that he could use against you? How could he take care of your youngest? I feel for you and I don't think you can stand feeling trapped like this. What are you going to do? I think you should go to a woman's shelter - they will protect you and you can tell them, he psychologically abuses you.



StacyRenee
1629 days ago
I could prob ask my therapist that I saw for 2 yrs. She could vouch for me.

Unfortunately, I do have a record of being diagnosed as bipolar. 8yrs ago he beat me up, I called the police. They took the kids, and my sister-in-law and husband (and his attorney supposedly supported it) insisted that if I claim that I was bipolar and not on meds then the state would HAVE to give the kids back, but first I had go to a doc and get diagnosed and on meds. My sister-in-law walked me through it telling me how to behave and what to tell them (she is bi-polar). I gave in out of fear, I would never see my kids again.

It worked, but I wanted to leave my husband, and came across some e-mails from him and his family...they said if I ever tried to leave they would make sure to have me locked up, and he could have custody of the kids. My sister-in-law stated that she and the rest of the family would say whatever it takes to make it happen. She said they would lie in court any day for him...and I would just look like a fool for retracting my statement and because I now have a diagnosis (a fake).

I know...it sounds pretty messed up.



StacyRenee
1629 days ago
Oh, the baby. I asked him about a month about, how he would take care of the baby if something should happen to me. Just casually asked.

He smiled and said that I am easily replaceable, that he just needed to find a girlfriend. Which had me thinking if that was what I was. I raised my step daughter from age 2,till a few years ago. I wonder if I was the REPLACEMENT while he took custody from his ex.



Edahn
1629 days ago
WOW.

I think "psychopath" is a pretty good diagnosis. But the diagnosis isn't the end of the story. It's just a term we give to a set off behaviors. If you really want to understand the root of those behaviors, you have to dig deeper.

I'm not familiar enough with psychopaths to really understand what makes them tick. My best guess is that he completely lacks trust in other people, completely. He fakes being nice to win their approval, but feels so disgusting and defective that all he really feels is rage, which he does not care (and/or is not able) to control. He takes his rage out on people who will accept it rather than stand up to it.

I think you need to find an amazing attorney or organization who will take your case and give you some suggestions. Recoding him is one option, maybe even videotaping him. If there is a custody battle, your kids will be asked to render an opinion about who they want to live with, so that might really work in your favor. You may also want to make photocopies of anything you can. Again, you want to consult with an attorney and find out how to do this correctly so it's admissible in court. You may also want to start saving money for an attorney. In many states, the primary breadwinner can be forced to pay his spouse's attorneys' fees DURING the divorce process as well. I know that's the law in California.

Basically, you need to outsmart him and get the fuck away. Enlisting the support of your OWN family might be a great asset, and doing some of your own PR, reclaiming your reputation, would be a good start. There is definitely a lot of work to do. You also want to be watchful of any ADDICTION you may have developed to him, his approval, his abuse, or the drama involved. You want to be clear in your head that this situation is really awful and unhealthy.



StacyRenee
1628 days ago
It sounds soooo simple, to take care of the problem...but it's not as easy as it seems.

1st, let me state...I TRIED to find an attorney. Free consults and some that were up to $300.00 an hr. I had to to borrow money, which I hate. I had plenty of attorney's that told me that they would make him pay for the services andthat he makes plenty (husband brags that he makes over $200.00 an hr just to sit on a toilet). The problem came, when they found out who his attorney is...couldn't help, didn't want to help. My friend asked her attorney who was really good, and she was told that basically my husbands attorney is very expensive has been in law enforcement for over 20 yrs then went on to be an attorney...is very well known and ALWAYS get's what he wants.

I called child protective services. She told me his attorney has gotten child molesters custody of their children. She listened to my kids, and had some major concern's, but in the end it was dropped because his attorney and my husband tried to make it look like I coached the kids (not true, I wasn't even in the room when she talked to the kids).

Then there is the 50/50 Colorado law. The kids do not get to choose who they live with. By law it's 50/50 unless they feel in rare cases that only one parent should get the child full time (such as it is best for the child's safety). The one person who would represent me, had to drive an 1 1/2 hrs to represent me... she wasn't very good. Said all these things I told her sounded like I was just being whiny...and after having a talk with my husbands attorney she told me I would not be getting the kids...because of the "fake" evidence. My husband was even planning on turning it into trial (expensive!).

I did have something that I saved, but my husband found EVERYTHING and has taken them. Now I am giving all finding to a friend to hold.

I also had two witnesses for court. One a friend, who my husband had admitted that he beat me up and told her why he HAD to. Unfortunately, her testimony was thrown out. My husband had her on tape, apparently she tried to sleep with him and lied about it...so,she now can't be used (on tape). The other witness was my niece (she saw my husband beat me, and witness his best friend say he would lie for my husband), she was 16 at the time. My sister flew her in 4 times. 3 times the hearing was rescheduled because of his attorney, the last time she wasn't allowed to testify because his attorney stated that she was a minor under the age of 18. Now she is 18, so, I am pretty sure she can't get tossed if I try again.

The other thing, as far as saving money...when I do work, I have to turn in my statements to my husband, and he get's the money. He won't bend on it, so there is no point in my working when I still have to beg for money. Obviously, any money I would try to save for an attorney, would not go unnoticed by my husband.

Basically, I am trying to outsmart him...but, he is really good. I just wish I could get him to a doctor, so maybe he can find a medication that would help him. I would love to find out that there is actually a wonderful side to him (not a fake show...but real). I realize, I am feeling hopeless at this point and hoping he could change is delusional, to say the least.



bella
1628 days ago
If your husband is a psychopath, which we can't say for sure - but sounds like one - there isn't medication or successful therapy. Also you need to realize it's not to his advantage to change - he likes controlling you, so why would he want to give that up?

Have you asked him for a divorce and you're willing to do 50/50 custody? He might give you this, if he doesn't perceive you as, wanting to take the kids away from him. Tell him you'll give him half custody and this would save money. Why does he want to stay married to you? I'm sorry you feel so trapped.



StacyRenee
1628 days ago
I did, he said he would gladly divorce me...but all I deserve is the shirt on my back. I even asked for the 50/50 and he promised me he would not take the kids...only to find out he plotted to take them.

I talked to his ex-wife. She said he promised not to take their daughter if she promised to sign everything over to him, not take alimony, and take the minimum in child support. She agreed, and literally left the marriage with nothing, but her daughter. Less the a month after papers were finalized he went to court with his "findings"...again, she was an alcoholic, did drugs, left her daughter home alone or with strangers, and then her daughter was molested by his ex-wife's boyfriend. He had a tape of him telling her she had been molested, he cried, hugged her and his ex showed no emotion. When, I heard the recording... I was shocked that a mother did not care about her child. It wasn't that she didn't care, she knew it was a lie and another game.

Needless to say, she lost her child. I raised her thinking the poor kid had been molested, neglecked and abused.

Yes, I wonder why he won't just let me go. Why can't he just leave??



StacyRenee
1628 days ago
oh, and I asked his ex to testify, and she won't go near him. She is strong women, but she is scared of him. It took her over ten years to get her daughter back...and mainly it was because they lived in Texas and in Texas they listen to the kids. I found out when I wasn't around, he would constantly try to convince my step-daughter that her mom was a bad person. He did it on their "alone time", and he constantly told her she had been molested, even though the kid had no memory of it. His ex took her to a therapist, and they said he was basically trying to brainwash their daughter. Anyways, now that she has her daughter, she want's nothing to do with him.



melissab
1628 days ago
Oh my goodness I feel like we are almost in the same marriage! My husband has major mood swings and I CANT get away from him. No one understands how hard it really is. They say just pack up and leave, just leave him. If it were that easy and I was rich and able to take care of my son and I then i probably would, but my husband would still find us and make us even MORE miserable than we are staying with him. I wish I could put antidepressant pills in his drinks or something to make him better. I would like for him to get better, but its like he's happy being a pathalogical liar and a meiser! We almost got divorced twice. Each time he got a lawyer and i cant afford one. ITS JUST NOT FAIR! Even our son doesnt like him, but my husband doesnt care about our son- he just does whatever he can to hurt me no matter who or what he hurts in the process. I have my own little notepad laptop that i hide and i dont use the computer at home because he did have a keylogging program on it and had all my passwords. You are correct in thinking that you have no privacy and neither do your children- HE SEES EVERYTHING ON THE COMPUTER. You should go to the library to use the computers there. It would be a nice little escape for you and your kids. My son is 6 and he loves going to the library to use the computer for an hour :) God I could write so much more but I will sign off now. Best of luck to you and please try to find a good hiding place- get a secret bank account, find a little box and find a place where you can burry it in the dirt somewhere where no one else would find it, get a p.o. box. Keep records of EVERYTHING- they have magnetice key boxes to hide keys in and stuff where there is metal, you could put it behind the washer or dryer of the fridge.... Stay strong- be creative- go to the library and do research!!!! Lots of hugs to you!!!!



StacyRenee
1627 days ago
WOW!!! Yeah...I think we have the same husband.

Yes, I have to hide a stash of keys in the yard...he has been know to take my car keys, my cell, the home phone, and change the passwords on the computer so I can not contact anyone. I also have a pay by the minute phone, that he does NOT know about...just in-case he tries to make sure I have no contact or a vehicle again.

Today, I just kept crying to myself in the car and screaming..."JUST leave, just go". He has been lying to me ALL weekend. Came home late on Friday, lied and said he was out with his boss (who he hates) and shopping for a Mothers Day gift. NOTHING is open that late except Wal-mart. I asked if he stopped at Wal-mart and he said he didn't. Last night we played couples Poker. I won some of the pot, and he made me hand it all over. Today he left to go fishing, and came back about 6pm. He was ready to take me out. He said he would buy my a Mothers Day gift tomorrow. So where is the gift he supposedly bought????

He left and went to the movies with my son after that, and I drove to the vehicle, went through his back pack and found a brand new box of condoms in his backpack. I just went through this back pack on Wednesday and pulled out 2 condoms (so this box is very new since then)...but, noooooo he claims he is not having an affair.He says he would NEVER do such a thing, and can't stand people who cheat. It's ridiculous. I WISH I could just leave...and yet, I have no where to go. No family in this state or anywhere near. Not to mention no access to any money. I can't even get a hotel for the night. TRAPPED!!! I bet he sits and laughs and secretly plots on how to make me miserable. Infact, when I won the money yesterday, I tried not to smile or show any emotion. I didn't want him to know that I was excited about winning. Anything that makes me happy, he tries to take from me.

Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one out there that deals with this.



Katamari
1626 days ago
Is there any way you can get the court to order a psychological assessment of him? If you had a psychiatric report stating your husband is a psycho then your chances would be much better.

Good luck.



StacyRenee
1624 days ago
I don't think it would help. He was in the military for 20 years and passed every psych eval. I also convinced him once to get tested for bipolar (during an almost divorce), he passed with flying colors. He obviously knows right from wrong and knows how to answer the questions.