Avatar Posted by lilac1 161 days ago (Question)
"Debbie and I had been best friends for over 30 yrs, closer than sisters. I am married with 2 children and work full time. Debbie is married without children and does not work.
Last summer my 6 yr old son had a brain infection which required 4 brain surgeries. For 2 weeks he was put into an induced coma, was on a respirator, and hooked up to a feeding tube. Needless to say, this was a very difficult time for me. While I heard from Debbie by phone, she never visited my son or myself at the hospital.
During this time I received an email from Debbie describing all of the fun she and her husband were having going on day trips, making plans with their new neighbors, and how she had just started working out with a personal trainer. I replied and reminded her that my son was in the hospital and I was saddened that she had not come to see us. Her response was that she couldn't believe I was begrudging her of having any fun! She also included some other sarcastic comments. I could not believe her insensitivity, so in my reply, I let it all out by saying that she was being self absorbed and she had not been there during times when a best friend should have, including the birth of my 2 children, a miscarriage, and when I broke my leg. I didn't hear back from her again.
I sent flowers on her birthday... she sent a brief thank you. I invited her to my daughters birthday party and my family invited her to my 40Th birthday party. In a letter, she declined both. She also said she was so distraught by my last email that she couldn't reply. She ended by saying that she wished me well but our friendship would never be the same. She said that I should have apologized for the things that I said to her, and that she had nothing to apologize for.
I replied with an apology asking for one in return, but I never heard from her again. It's been 6 months since I last heard from her and I miss her terribly. Should I call or visit? What if she shuts the door in my face? I honestly don't know what I did wrong.




Answers

Written by Fpsy 160 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Lilac,

I can't see that you have done nothing wrong and I can understand that you are grieving for the friendship. What you did was let out a lot of frustration about not getting your needs met from the friendship. It appears that Debbie doesn't understand this and is unable or unwilling to examine her behavior.

From you post I can see that your friend has not been able to provide you with emotional support when you needed it. My understanding of good friendships is that they are around in times of need, not just in times of fun. There is equality, you both help in the good times and the bad times.

I understand that your grieving for the loss of your friend. But you have to ask yourself, is this the kind of friend that you want. Someone who is only around in the good times and isn't able to provide you with emotional support when times get hard.

You and Debbie had a connection for over 30 years and that is a long time to have a close friendship and its understandable that you miss her. But I'm also guessing that during these years you may have grown and changed and perhaps Debbie hasn't. You understand that friendship is about the ups and downs and you can provide emotional support for her but she is unable to provide it for you.

We can't predict the future, about whether she will one day change her mind and want to talk to you again about what happened. In the meantime you can take comfort in the fact that you can provide good friendship, beyond just the fun times and you have matured and grown.

I can't tell you whether to call or visit because I think that is decision only you can make. But I can say that I think you can learn from this experience about 'equality' in friendships and relationships. Perhaps there is a friend out there waiting for you who also understand this better than Debbie.

I wish you well.

Written by series0 160 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Lilac,

I am terribly sorry for your strained friendship. I hope that you can restore it, if that is what you want.

It is a sad moment in all of lives when we realize that there are people out there we care about that simply do not return the sentiment in equal measure. I, like you, am a caring and devoted friend who will move mountains if I must to be there for my friends. It always comes as a shock to me that many of my friends, and I have tons, seem unworthy of the title "friend" at times. I have come hard by this wisdom as, clearly, have you.

But

That being said, we all live in a world where we must realize that all of us are not at the same level emotionally, maturity-wise, nor are we of the same personality types at our roots. The primary motivating factors for one person can be 180 degrees off from another. Once you accept these facts you can begin to see that anyone at any level of maturity and of any personality type can become a "friend". Depending on that friend's personality and their level of maturity they may react extremely differently to the exact same situation.

So, if you have a "friend", it behooves you both to refrain from judgement if you value the friendship. Do not presume that there is no place in the world that has deep beneficial meaning for us all that requires people like your friend Debbie. She may not grasp yet, at her stage in life, or because of her personality, what it means to be there for someone in their time of need. Further, if you communicate your need to her, or others like her, they may not decide to be accomodating in the way you would require. That is up to them and their actions will show their level of friendship in action. Nonetheless, if they do not choose to participate in helping you the exact way that you want them to, that is not in-and-of-itself a bad thing. There is more than one way to happiness.

Debbie did not consciously attack your friendship. She simply went about her way and actually tried to share her joy with you.

I agree with your decision to communicate with her your desire to see her and your need for compassion. However, you weilded a weapon against her that I think failed you utterly. That weapon was guilt. You attempted to make her feel guilty. This is an attempt at behavior modification. I would not say that this was in your best interest. Your harsh tone may have "woke her up" to her lack of action but it also sounded condescending and holier-than-thou. I am sorry to say that by your own admission you did indeed attack your friendship.

Then she attacked back. She was wounded and felt betrayed, probably justifiably. You made her face some hard truths about herself that she perhaps wasnt ready for. After all, she did not ask for advice on how she behaved as a friend like you did here on this forum. You surprise attacked.

If you had just asked her to come see you that you loved her and wanted your cheery pal with you to bring light and life to a dark hour I'd wager that she would have surprised you with her power for good.

She has claimed that your friendship will never be the same and that is likely true. However, if you can come to terms with your stuff and own it wholly and face her with love and a heartfelt explanation, you might find that this will move your once friend to forgive you. You have apologized. Have you asked for forgiveness? Make sure you do so for the right reasons, in person if possible. Try your hardest not to take no for an answer where forgiveness is concerned. If you can get it, you may find your friend becomes more the friend you wanted her to be, that is, if you do the same.

All of this is just my opinion based on what you asked for.

Regardless, good luck!

Written by Clyde 153 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree--it does sound like you two might have different viewpoints on what a friend really is and what they do.

Perhaps after a while you can talk again to Debbie and become good friends again?

Best,

Clyde


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