Two years ago my boyfriend(of 5 years)broke up with me and that's when all my problems began.He told me he wanted to focus on high school and we'd get back together after.A while after that he said he didn't know if we'd be together or not.Then he'd call me when he felt bad or lonely, but he'd cut my calls saying he's too busy to deal with my problems, even when I was crying on the phone one day about people calling me a slut.Soon he was contacting me only when he wanted something physical.It broke me to be treated this way but I was so in love with him that I didn't want to let go of at least the physical bond we still shared.But I felt used, unloved, as if he didn't care if I lived or died.I was 16 and had no clue how to handle everything.I waited 7 months after the break up for any sign that he cared about me..None came.Meanwhile there was another guy who had been asking me out, for a really long time, & I always told him I loved my ex still and didn't want to be with him.After a while I started to care abt him because he did a lot for me - survived my crying, tantrums, my anger, and my pain, and still could say he loved me.I didn't want to be the reason for his sadness anymore, & the way I was getting treated by my ex made me feel like I deserved to be taken care of for a change.I still loved my ex, I knew that, & I asked my ex if all this while we've been getting it on because he liked me or if he was just fooling around.He said he didn't know, which obviously means he was fooling around.Then I told him that in that case,I'm going to consider going out with this other guy.He angrily said that he didn't care about me.I cried badly yet another night..And then I thought of all these months I've been crying & hurting & this anger rose up inside me that almost felt like righteousness; if he had been using me consciously, or if he hadn't intended to, it still meant that he didn't care about me enough to think about my feelings.I was always honest with the other guy (Y) & told him that I still had feelings for my ex but that I want to get over him and forget all the hurt and pain..I told him that I loved him for the person he is & for how he treated me.He said he trusted me and understood that things've been really hard on me lately & that he'd help me let go of the past, so that I can have a future with him where he would be waiting.My ex didn't like me going out with someone else and asked me if I can be with him,but he'd have time for me only on vacations.I asked him how I'd know he's not gonna treat me the same and he got pissed off that I was even thinking abt this (he thought I would accept immediately) & said he doesn't want anything if I need to think abt choosing between him and Y.Y treated me well but we had our problems of course.My ex stopped talking to me.I had confided in a friend abt how he used me and the "friend" told everyone.My ex was very mad at me & I believed he hated me.I told myself that if he didn't care,I had to stop caring abt him at all costs,as I was starting to feel suicidal.I lost my virginity to Y after some time.I cried,because I'd always thought I'd lose it to X.I would stil think abt my ex sometimes & made me feel very guilty.I told Y I feel like I'm cheating on him for thinking abt someone else, & he always told me he trusted me & knew I'd never do such a thing.He said I'd been through a lot & that's why it's taking me time to stop worrying abt my ex completely.X talked to me from time to time,never crossing friendly.I broke up with Y after 3 months because I hated myself for having any emotions attached to someone else..Y didn't deserve that.I also wondered if my ex had changed..I regretted losing my virginity to Y, it just didnt feel right..I felt like I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so messed up, if I hadn't wanted to feel cared abt so desperately.Y didn't take it well.X started flirting with me immediately after that.A month later I told him that I'd lost it to Y.He cried..He said he'd always loved me & hadn't realized I felt used.He said all he'd done was cry to his friends abt it when I was with Y.He was angry & upset that I'd let someone else be that close to me..The agony it caused me to see how much I'd hurt him, I can't describe.I let him rage at me for months.He'd talk abt other girls & say he wanted to make me feel a little bit of how jealous he felt over me.He'd call me a slut & tell me I'd sleep with anyone, that I should die.After a point I started to argue.He hated that.He said many things, things that cut me very deep.My reasons were excuses to him.He then started telling me I have to tell my parents & everyone that I had sex with Y.I didn't want to..He told me unless I did this, he'd never be with me,& even said he'd die if I didnt.I accepted & then found myself unable to do it.He said he texted it to my dad but my dad never asked me abt it so I don't know if it's true.Then he gave that up and began to ask me for proof of my honesty.He'd asked me for every detail of what happened..I told him too.I kept a couple of things to myself but that's all.He tells me he doesn't trust me & thinks I'm lying and toning it down..He's insecure abt his performance sexually & thinks I'm lying abt him being better than Y.He says he wants me to tlk to Y while he's listening or let him talk to Y through my facebook pretending to be me.I haven't talked to Y in over a year. It's been over a year since I told X abt losing my virginity.I refused to do give proof.He said he doesn't want to be with me if that was my decision.Sex is a big deal for us because we're only 16 & 17.I already regret having lost my virginity at the wrong time to the wrong person..I've told X how sorry I am,told him all year that it's him I love,assuaging his insecurities best I can..But X says I'm not doing the exact things he asked for so I'm not doing anything for him.The things X says abt it(he talks abt it all the time) hurt me more & more.I've tried to explain how I feel to him many times.The way he talks abt it, you'd think he was treating me well and I cheated on him.When I tell him it's because he messed me up so bad, he thinks I'm pointing out his mistakes.He makes me angry,scared and upset on purpose by telling me he cheated on me,or stuff like that, when he didn't actually do those things.I get scared & try to get him to tell me what he's actually saying, ignores me, makes me angry and start crying, & talks about random unrelated stuff when I'm on the phone crying to him.The first few times he did this I called him a jerk/asshole.I have fought back but only to explain myself, but sometimes in my anger I tell him he's being inhuman or something rude,but apologize as soon as I calm down.He thinks the fact that I'm using swear words in my speech when I'm angry is me disrespecting him (I never used swear words before).I told him I'm just at the end of my rope and that's why I'm not patient anymore, cause I'm more worn with hurt and want it to stop. He tells me he doesn't want to be with me because I "shout","fight" but I'm really not unreasonable or like that.When I tell him that's not believable & what's the real reason, he tells me it's because I won't give proof.But he always makes sure he says the most hurting things possible - like that I'm obsessive and controlling and pretty much anything that comes to mind.I'm very hurt because no matter what he does the love I feel for him is unconditional.. If I tell him that if he's leaving because of something abt me, then his love was never real - he says he feels unconditional love for me too.He never says he doesnt love me, no matter what else he says.Sometimes he gets normal & talks to me well, tries to make us normal again,but it never lasts long.I love him.I can't think of a future without him.. He never treated me this way when we were last together.I don't want to judge him based on his actions when he's in pain, as he judged me.Is it right for him to ask for proof? Have I been doing the right thing? How do I forgive myself for hurting other people?
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