I'm hoping to find some answers and hear from someone that can relate to what I'm facing.
I am a 19-year-old, female, intellectual without much direction or guidance. I am in search for a logical reason to live.
Life is meaningless. I think any qualified scientist, or merely anyone with a capacity of freethought, would somehow come to the conclusion that nothing really matters. "Life's a bitch, and then you die." This mindset, however, ends up being detrimental to my emotional state and is currently inching me closer and closer to (what I see as) a logical suicide.
I've tried to explain this thought process to a few respectable peers, who simply do not have answers I couldn't logically come up with alone. Some say, "It's just a part of growing up." "You'll get over it.." "Occupy your mind." ..It's true, I don't have many hobbies, or much to occupy my mind with. I do sit at home a lot, and I tend to be reclusive. The biggest downfall to this mind set is my lack of motivation, and my eager indulgence in instant gratification. My hatred and fear of conformity disables me from living beyond basic, conditioned survival instincts. I work to eat, pay rent, and buy tangible things that cause intangible emotions, that are utterly unfulfilling. I feel as though I am nothing more than an animal. I have the tools I need to succeed, and to attain "happiness", but I just don't see a point in exerting energy that I CLEARLY don't care to exert. (I, for one, call it laziness and I understand what I need to do to fix things, I just don't.) Most everything in my life is temporary.. My interest in human interaction and bonding experiences is very minimal. I don't have any standing relationships with anyone, including my family. I lie about the most inane things and i constantly feel like nothing is real.. like everything is a dream. As if, reason for my existence will hit me upside the head at any moment.. But when?
I've concluded it doesn't matter whose lives i touch, the amount of love i give and receive, if i leave an honorable legacy, rear my children to become successful... Nothing matters.
So, why don't I kill myself? Am I too lazy to go through with it, just as I am with everything else in my life? Is it just too messy? I mean, I sit here with complete certainty that everything I do, everyone else has already done a thousand times before. Considering, I don't plan to become a master physicist, a mathematician, or to be anything that could allow me to TRULY understand this world's laws and boundaries.. so, really, I am just a speck of something that simply could exist, or not. Ultimately, it doesn't matter.
Am I clinically depressed, sociopathic, crazy, or simply out of luck? Do many people come to this realization? Is there a term for it?
Am I supposed to just be okay with this? Should I reprogram my subconscious to think differently, to conform, or otherwise?
Honestly, I don't know if it would have been better to have been born to Bible thumping Christians or a to an extremest Islamic family.. Ignorance sounds appealing.
I hope someone can relate, because I refuse to live like this.
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