Avatar Posted by tinkertoy123 32 days ago (Question)
When I was roughly 8, and my brother was 13, we engaged in sexual activities. I did not know exactly what was happening; I thought we were playing around. I have never told anyone and have been ashamed of it for 30 years. There was no penetration but there was oral activity which he "showed me." He never forced me or physically hurt me but looking back, I did not understand the significance of what was happening. Is this a form of sexual abuse?
I am being treated for depression and have experienced years of anxiety, anger, aggression, perfectionism, etc.


Answers

Written by Clyde 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Is all the depression and years of experience due to the sexual activities behaviors?

I am not saying it is or isnt, but sometimes with families, this kind of thing does happen between brother/sister, etc. and is not necessarily incest or rape.

Have you talked to him about it? If so, what does he say?

Best,

Clyde

Written by Seven221 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I was molested by my brother. I "get it" that he was young, I was young. There were a lot of other impacts.

As an adult, I have come to understand that the sexual relationship we had was not the only issue I had to contend with, that it could only have happened in a context of not enough or not appropriate supervision with parents who cared enough to ask and look beyond the behaviors for the causes. That it went on for so long is also a problem.

I am angry these days and one of the things that angers me about the clinical community is their failure to recognize the surrounding impacts but first and formost, that the experience of sibling incest CAN AND DOES cause harm. Other kinds of harm are created when the perpetrator is female as opposed to male. Those kinds of experiences are often not recognized for the harm that results.

There is a lot of context to be explored but I really think that these issues should be explored with your attending counselor/therapist.

I would call this sexual abuse. To me the definition of sexual abuse includes non-penetration events such as what you describe. I am also very aware of the age of the "offender" and do not view your brother on the same level as say a father offender or step-father offender.

I would say that the impacts that result from sibling incest are too often overlooked. I think you are wise to raise the question.

Written by bellacutie 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think it was sexual abuse. At 13 he should have known better. But I don't think he's as evil as an adult who would do the same thing though. A 13yr old mind doesn't think the same as an adult. I think he should have known better, but wasn't mature enough to grasp the true impact of what he was doing. This is why I've talk my girls from early on - never to let anyone touch them or vise a versa. Best of luck in feeling better, Bella

Written by Fpsy 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Tinkertoy,

The majority of sexual abuse occurs within the family and that includes young males as perpetrators of this. There are many adolescent perpetrators of sexual abuse against their younger female siblings.If you feel you were sexually violated then your feelings are valid.

I agree that speaking to a counselor or therapist about your feelings is a good idea. They will be able to help you process all the feelings and thoughts you have about what happened to you.

I don't recommend that you talk to your brother. You are unlikely to get a positive response from him and he most probably will not appologize. He is likely to deny that it happened, or he is likely to minimize what happened, and that will leave you feeling even more angry and depressed about what happened.

I hope this helps

Written by iheartSungMin 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I don't really know how to help...because i kind of share your problem, except i didn't that with my brother, i did it with my cousin...and we were like around your age...i guess kids just get influenced too easily

Written by AppleJuiceGirl 31 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

When we're children, we sometimes participate in something called "sex play." This includes things like "playing doctor" and "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." As adults, when we see this behavior in young kids we automatically think it's inappropriate and "bad" and we stop them -- usually with yelling and "oh my gosh what are you doing?!" Kids though, don't get why it's bad. They understand they "shouldn't" but don't understand why until they're older and see the situation with an adults wisdom. Sometimes, as kids, we do things (such as touching, looking, etc.) and not think anything about it until we're older -- once we're old enough to see things in a "less innocent light" we start to wonder if that what we did was bad, even though it happened years ago and we never felt guilt/ashamed over it until later.

However, I'm talking about young children. As your brother was 13 years old (probably starting puberty), he should have known that behavior was inappropriate especially with his younger sister. He understood about sex in a way that small children do not. I don't know if this should be classified as sexual abuse, because he was still young, but I do think he knew at the time that it was inappropriate.

If it's something you feel has scarred you, you should talk to someone about this. A professional can give you more knowledge and resources to deal with the issue and help you work through. Also, they would be able to help determine if it has any significance to your depression and anxiety.


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