Avatar Posted by Destarknight 96 days ago (Question)
I have never veiwed death as a bad thing. What's worse is that I see death everytime I close my eyes. I've died several times in my own head, but always in battle because I couldn't bring myself to commit suicide. What worries me is that I also kill others in my head. Some are real while most arent. I'm worried that I could one day lose control and become a serial killer. Any ideas?


Answers


bella
96 days ago
I think most people could kill if it was self defense or to defend their child. That doesn't mean you're a bad person. Usually if a person is a serial killer type, they wouldn't be worried they're like this. Do you feel empathy when hear a tragic story? Do you like animals? Serial killers and some psychopaths don't feel bad killing an animal or a person. Do you have suicidal thoughts?
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Destarknight
96 days ago
No suicidal thoughts. I like animals alright, but I prefer they are left to be wild. I did kill a cat that was dying. My thing is that I repress most of those tendancies so I don't worry about it. And if my grandmother hadn't of died, no one would have pointed out how empty I am and I wouldn't be fighting to have some level of humanity.
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bella
96 days ago
I don't mean to sound cold, but when a relative who's very old dies, its not as shocking as someone unexpected dying. I don't think its unusual since you were only 11 that you didn't have the expected reaction.

You said you would want a family - if you had a child and they died....can you imagine feeling sad and a loss? Maybe you're just a logical thinker. I don't think you should repress your feelings - better to have someone help you understand them. Does the thought of killing for no reason enter your mind?
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Destarknight
96 days ago
When I have the images of killing people its not always out of rage and I'm only repressing those impulses. I have no intention of allowing myself to become a killer, but what I'm afraid of is that I'll lose control. And you do have a point as far as logic goes. I do think logically, and that does help me control my impulses, but as a human, I am able to lose control to rage.
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bella
96 days ago
Do you have problems with anger or losing it at all? Yes rage could cause someone to lose control and kill someone. What makes you angry?

I don't have repressed desires to kill anyone but I could kill to save myself or my kids. Are you saying you could kill outside the reasons I gave? For some war is a reason to kill too. I suppose that's what separates a serial killer or psychopath - they don't need an extreme scenario to kill therefore they don't have any reason to stop the act. Do you feel empathy?

I'm fine and find this convo interesting. You can also join our forum section by clicking on Community and they have a few who are diagnosed psychopaths.
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Destarknight
96 days ago
While under control I would kill to save anyone else. Outside of control I can't say. And as far as controlling my anger. I learned to do that when I was young, because it put me in a position I didn't want to be in. I understand people, but I can't relate to anyone.
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bella
96 days ago
Was there any harsh discipline when you were a child. I think kids who are hit or verbally abused, end up feeling like pressure cookers as adults. Is your dad like you?
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Destarknight
96 days ago
I was spanked yea, and my mother put me down because of my dad. My dad is basicly a big kid. He didn't have the same problems growing up as I did.
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bella
96 days ago
Thanks for answering. One conclusion we could come to is - you learned to suppress your feelings. You also were made to feel any trait related to your dad, wasn't suitable to show at home. Maybe you also grew a little cynical about relationships and just didn't feel comfortable being yourself at home. Do you think your brother was the favored child -if so this further enforced you feeling different.

I think it would be good for you to explore this conversation more with a therapist, to rule out any personality disorder. If you were to have kids - do you think you could love them? If you do I hope you won't parent the same way.
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Destarknight
95 days ago
No I would never do this to my kids. I have alot I would like to teach them if I ever have any. My brother was a favored child, but out of the four of us, I'm the only one who can actually take care of myself. I'm also the only one who hasn't been in a relationship for the past three to four years.
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