Avatar Posted by ame381 122 days ago (Question)
I have been working here for over 2 years and at first I respected this person and they did a good job. Soon after we got to know each other, I realized that she wasn't someone I could be friends with because all she ever did was dump on me about her horrible life. This include her chronic disease (fibromyalgia), her adult brother who lives with her but does not work or pay rent, her messed up relationship with her kid due to a bad divorce and her stroke victim father. At first I felt bad for her but soon I realized that all we ever did was talk about her issues and soon I began to feel like it wasn't talking at all. I don't really remember getting upset until I strated to notice that she wasn't even doing her job anymore and I was taking up all the slack. Thats what made me angry. I can remember a defining event that happened last year, I had been talking about creating some new projects and she had expressed interest in them, so I asked her if she wanted to participate and she said yes. This project involved a little training and then she would be in charge of running a session on her own, on a day I wouldn't be there. I came in on my day off to show her how to work the equipment and she couldn't be bothered to come up to the room. By the time she did I was packing up (35 I waited) because I didn't want to spend my whole day at work. Before the event I had asked her repeatedly if she wanted to this and she told me enthusiastically that she did. I felt betrayed and from then on was extremely hesitant to trust her. Soon after this her illness took a turn for the worse which caused her to do even less work and some days she would just sit there and do absolutely nothing while I handled everything. Naturally this made me resentful and I began telling my supervisor about her behavior. It has taken a year before she had any sanctioning because of her unacceptable behavior. Now I feel like I cannot talk to her at all because anything I say will be used against me (she throws anyone she can under the bus every time she gets in trouble) and I feel like all I do is complain about her to my boss. I don't want to monitor her behavior because its not my job but I still feel so angry about having to do all the work and I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and content at work but I can't seem to find a solution and ignoring her is only making it worse. Please help.


Answers

Written by Francesca 122 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I'll give you some advice my mom gave me once. "When going to work, you go in, do your job, keep your nose clean, and go home."

First mistake was making friends with co workers, imo. Oh well, now what? You need to stop taking everything she does so personally. If you keep complaining to your boss about her, we will just have your boss on here asking how to deal with a toxic employee. The best course of action is to just do your job. If she is a poor worker, give your bosses time to see it for themselves rather than it being your word against hers. Try not to create more projects that force you two to work together. And forget everything you know about her from the time you guys were friends. See her as a neutral co worker and nothing more.

Written by Edahn 122 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Great post! I agree. Move on and keep focused on your job rather than on the work drama.

Written by shelwoy 122 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with the other post, but I think it is easier said than done. I have spent seventeen years in a career where "TEAM" is the name of the game and without teamwork, things are utter chaos.Many times I have had to pick up a poor manager's slack and suck it up.

My feeling is, if you make yourself available to be screwed with, then people will take advantage. Some people are a total mess, but they like it that way.You have become part of this woman's drama now.I will bet any money that she goes home and complains about you to her brother.I also bet that even if you don't say a word to her, she will still act as if you have wronged her somehow.She needs fuel for her fire because that is all she knows.My advice is to keep it as simple as possible with her, be kind enough that she doesn't cause waves and try to get away from her somehow.

Complaining to bosses does nothing but put you in a bad place.I did this and ruined a good professional relationship with a supervisor that made me look incompetent of being a leader. There will always be drama at work, just try to not be a part of it.

Written by frustrated2 122 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I appreciate the distress you feel, I have similar situation where I work. She does the same thing her personal life is a mess, to put it mildly and we are all to listen and tolerate. We are a small office with a large amount of traffic so when she can't dump on us she dumps on the customer. She isn't afraid to blow her horn continuously and ask for more and more privileges because she is so much more in distress than we are and she does more than we do even though we are constantly cleaning up after her in many ways and soothing our customers anger because they feel they have been imposed on.

I think that we often think that the best way is to ignore the worst of everything and maybe it will go away or that it can't be ignored by those above us forever. You need to make sure that when you complain that you have a real work reason not just personal and you need to document in a professional enough manner that your intent can not be misconstrued to be harassment. Check into your company policy's about how to deal with a toxic co-worker. You may find that you will need to do more than complain to your immediate manager and you will have to understand the process of how people are disciplined at your company. In the meantime you do have to deal with her but you don't have to be burdened with her personal life, set limits in a clear and firm manner and then remember to be respectful to her. She doesn't need sympathy because she just takes it and runs with it so redirect her conversation to work topics and the weather. Since she has proved herself to unreliable then don't ask her to participate in projects and if you have no choice but to include her then give her a responsibility that is not going to hinder the final results and over burden yourself if you have to do it.

And I would never give up my day off that is my day to refuel and take care of my life. You can't do anything about her illness but you can show with a good attitude that it is you taking up the slack in the work load. If you need help ask, they aren't mind readers and they are not always in a position to make an employee who ill to do more than what their Drs. excuse allows. If you are able to show them that it is more than she is able to do and you need help (a reasonable amount) then you give them the feed back to use to assist your department and you. I have been doing this for a while and it is now starting to bring results but it has taken a while you have to follow chain of command and the policy's that are available.

If it really is more than you can handle you could always consider sending out your resume and looking for another job. Just remember these people are everywhere and Francesca was 100% right it's okay to be friendly with your co-workers and develop a good working relationship but after work go out with your friends you have to spend 40 hours a week with your co-workers why keep bringing the aggravation of work and gossip of work home and live it endlessly. I work with really great people except for Ms. Toxic but I don't bring them home with me, I don't even have their e-mail addresses. Just some advice take what you want and forget the rest and good luck keep your chin up and always give 110% to them and yourself.

Written by Clyde 109 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree, please try to find a way to stay away from her as much as possible.

One thing that sucks with this kind of thing is that lots of times people who are this way are more needy than they realize, and in effect are pushing others away from them.

She definitely does sound toxic, and I agree with all the other posters. Thing is, though, none of us really ever know what is going on behind closed doors.

She probably is having a rough life and has no way of discussing things--then again, she may just be a pain in the butt--but it is up to you to decide when enough is enough either way.

Best,

Clyde


Log in to answer or register here.