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I am shy around some people. I have low self of confidence sometimes and sometimes I have high confidence.. I am relating this all to socialization and how I relate to people and stuff.. for some reason my confidence goes up and down.. sometimes I feel awkward and wierd talking to people like I sound wierd when I form my words and such, and that leads to being shy and stuff. I have tried so hard to work on it and make it go away so I can be confident.. but it just isn't working. Can someone help me with this? I would really appreciate it. I'm a smart guy around 19. Athletic and I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but I feel that my communication skills lack, so that really holds me back.. because I think people look at me different. I've worked on communication for a while but like I said my confidence goes up and down.. and sometimes I'm better at communicating with certain people and some days I'm just not... It doesn't make any sense. Can anyone relate to this and help me? I also think that some days my voice sounds wierd and just awkward talking to people. Please Help!
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Answers
Cody, believe me, you are just fine. When you realize that everyone has some awkwardness with others, you might relax and just be your own special self. You are probably not appearing as awkward to others as you feel within yourself.
Your voice will sound weird to you sometimes when others don't even notice it! Some days we are more communicative than others: just smile and say you're feeling like being quiet when you don't want to talk. As long as you are respectful of people who want to talk to you, you probably won't lose friends by being true to your own feelings.
I think a lot of it is your ending your teenage years. You probably do feel more awkward than you are perceived to be. Heck, I am 37 and my voice still sounds weird to me ;)
Maybe it is a little bit of low self-esteem? You might benefit by talking to a therapist, or not, but I do think a lot of it is due to your age.
If it is completely bothersome to you, and you cannot get a way from the thoughts, etc., I would suggest seeing a therapist.
Best,
Clyde
I've seen a psychiatrist and talked to him about it.. but all he did was like teach me relaxation tips and stuff and didn't really explain why I felt this way. He always asked me if I wanted medicine and I told him no, that I wanted to fix my problem naturally. I've gotten better I talk to friends and stuff, and family, it just seems like my communication skills lack one day and are great another... and its like not even my fault.. I don't get it is it my nature or something?
Anyways thanks for the answers guys I do appreciate it.
that psychiatrist is obviously an idiot...because it's quite clear that it's not nerves or anything that you need drugs for...what kind of idiot doctor offers someone drugs for something like that?...unless you're not telling us the whole story.
Either way, I think once you improve you communication skills, you'll be fine...there are books on these things and there's no better way to learn than by experience.
I have this same problem, it was really bad before, but as I was placed in situations where I had to speak in public etc, i have gotten a lot more confident.
Ther are times when my voice still shakes and I start trembling, but i can always bring myself down to a calm level over time.
Find what works for you, visualize, find a comforting thought to distract you, breathe deeply...but the best way to overcome it, is to do it.
Best of luck, ur not weird, you'll get through.
Well I also told my psychiatrist that I had anxieties and stuff... but I got over them by teaching myself how to get over them... Now I don't have any fears, but its just a communication problem that I have with myself now... and I have been doing exactly what you said dusky1.. I know that I have to practice to get through it.. but I fear I'm always going to sound wierd to myself for some reason.. and that will maybe throw me off. I am going into the Air Force, I have really been training myself to get through this but.. I guess I just need guidance.. I don't exactly have the luxary of seeing a doctor right now so I'm trying to train myself.. I figured if I can train myself to get rid of my anxiety that I've had for a long time, I can also train myself to become a better speaker.. but its not going as well as I want it to.. its a wierd situation to explain.. its all inside of my mind
well, ur on the right track...there are books that you can buy to help you, look it up...firstly however...you need to stop thinking that you will always have that problem..if you think negative, then only negativity will come of it.
Change your mindset and prepare yourself for success...have you ever read The Secret?...if you haven't go get it and you'll understand what i really mean.
You have to think positive...I believe you can do it...best of luck.
Possibly my lifestyle as a kid on up to a teenager has affected me.. maybe I just wasn't as social as all of the other kids.. I consider myself more of the strong silent type anyways.. but I do want to improve on my skills so I don't think I sound wierd anymore when I talk, I want to be completely confident with myself.
I know I have been thinking positive everyday I get up I think positive and I tell myself not to be afraid of anything because anything negative will always result in a negative outcome... that statement is so powerful. The problem I have is how do I know if my speech is effective when I'm talking to someone... how do "I" know that what I'm saying is or how I say it..is socially acceptable..Most of the time I just take risks at saying stuff... hoping that its effective enough to where ppl don't think I sound wierd.... Everyday speech with me is just taking risks..I'm sick in tired of it...I wish I could just know that what I'm saying and how I'm saying it is going to work.. I just want to be confident with who I am, I don't know why I had to develop a confidence issue with myself.. Most ppl just be themselves regardless of thinking about anything.. its like they dont care their just carefree and its so easy for them. Why didn't I develop this natural functionality(or what ever you would call it) like them? I've been trying to figure why I am so worried about myself and the way I present myself to other people. Thanks for the help Dusky, the truth is I have been thinking positive, but I guess I am just not confident with myself in speech...
I'm sure there are lots of ppl like me.. They have great success in "a lot" of things, and are good and have many talents.. but the world is controlled by a talkative communication.(its not exactly sign language for everyone). and it doesn't matter how smart or talented you are, if you are not good at communicating with ppl then you could really ruin your image, you may know who you really are deep down inside of you and you tell yourself everyday that you know you can do much much much better than what you have shown ppl in the past..(but still I struggle?)... but its not exactly what other ppl are seeing based on what they see from your speaking skills. They may see someone else and treat you the way they "think" you really are, when actually you are struggling to show them who you really are inside of you... Its so frustrating I hate it. :(
I know I am strong enough to do anything I put my mind to.. I've always been a strong person but I feel my talents are useless without speech.. I feel I might as well just not have my talents b/c I'm living a very wierd socialized life.(From my perspective and in my opinion..)
I hope this doesn't happen to me in the Air Force
b/c IMAGE IS EVERYTHING.
i understand where ur coming from....try debating with friend on issues that concern you, then you can develop your points and learn from others, while getting feedback on whether they're strong or not. When you say communication...what do you mean exactly?...is it speaking with ppl or just giving speeches and in what situations do you find yourself struggling with your communication?
Everyday basic speech and in speeches.. just basically everything.. but like I said "other ppl may not see that, but I feel it is not working.. for some reason.." I'm really sensitive about everything I say.. how I say it...and like I said its all risks to me...
I'm afraid to go over this with anyone except my family b/c I just want ppl to think that I'm "OKay, Fine! and content with myself!" So I can focus on getting better... So I can show them who I really strive to be..but I'm struggling with it.
( This is why I'm on the internet). Another wierd thing is.. Im a lot better communicating with strangers than my friends, family and ppl I care a lot about..
Sounds like you have typical social anxiety. I used to be like that when I was younger and it's gets better as you mature. I know what you're feeling - you're always second guessing yourself. Try not to do that and just be yourself. We all have little social flops where we say things we regret - it's no big deal. You're more aware of it than the other people are. You can also try deep breathing exercises and visualization. Practice will certainly improve your situation. Look for opportunities to get out there and socialize and be yourself. When you try to be what you think people will like, it will make you more self conscious. Best of luck, Bella :)
Hi Cody,
I think bella is right, what your describing does sound like social anxiety. You mentioned that you've had other anxieties and have treated them yourself, but I think you have less of a communication problem and more of a problem relating to the fact that you think people are evaluating you in social situations all the time. Which is the hallmark of social anxiety.
The good news is that there is great treatment around for this. Usually cognitive behavioral therapy, which is skills based therapy. Rather than just sitting around talking about yourself, you will be given homework to do, small goals to achieve in different social situations and gradually build on these. Communication skills will probably also be a part of this. You need to find a good therapist who can provide specialist therapy around social anxiety.
I am going to provide you with a link about social anxiety, with symptoms, self help tips and treatment options. You can have a read and see if this fits with you.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/social_anxiety_support_symptom_causes_treatment.htm
Hope this helps cody.
I appreciate the help from EVERYONE.
I don't really feel the anxieties as much as I used too... in fact I don't feel any at all..Ive went through so much anxiety in my life that I figured out how to get rid of it.(believe me on this)I agree its a little social anxiety but thats it. Its just a communication issue, that goes along with me not being confident in myself and my speech. I can't change how my voice sounds but I can learn to accept it for how it sounds.. which is what I am trying to do.. alls the therapist is going to do is give me assignments like you said, but I know I can set goals for myself like talking to ppl which is what I am doing.. unless the treatment has better options(the one that you described Fpsy). Do you really think I should do the therapy thing if I am already trying to be more social on my own?
Hi Cody,
why don't you have a good look at the link I posted. I think it will really help you to see if social anxiety fits with you or not. It is really difficult to diagnose over the internet. To properly understand what is happening with you, would require quite a long interview with you, getting information from a number of different areas.
The thing about treatment for social anxiety, is about exposing you to different social situations, and how to manage the the thoughts and feelings you have about being awkward. You say you are concerned with how your voice sounds. You might be experiencing some negative thoughts about your voice and how your suppose to sound. I think therapy will help you change some of those negative and unrealistic expectations you have of yourself and social situations.
I think the thing is that this is affecting you a lot, and you are reaching out for help, so I think looking for a therapist that can help you with this is the best option. It's too difficult for us to really know what is going on with you and what is the best option for you.
As I said have a look at the site I posted, don't dismiss it straight away, take your time to look around it and see what you think. If it doesn't fit with you at all, there might be something else going on with you.
I hope this helps.
As a matter of fact the only Psychiatrist that I have seen about my situation told me that I had a light social anxiety disorder.. which is basically just being shy. I'll take a look at your link and I appreciate your concern and everyone elses, but basically I think what it is now is just a confidence problem. I guess I should have mentioned before that I was diagnosed with a light SAD. Sorry. The Psychiatrist didn't really help me that much.. he was just filling in stuff that I already knew and that I could relate to. He gave me relaxation tips and stuff but that doesn't really help with my situation. He also told me that I need to get out there and practice talking with people in which I agreed with. This is totally true and I completely know that I have to do this.. but I "have" been doing this but it just doesn't seem like my confidence is going up because I always have to live with this perspective of me thinking that my voice sounds wierd. I know I have said this over and over, but its true. I just don't know what else to do other than practice talking to people. Medication is completely out of the question.. b/c I know medication will not help the type of situation that I'm in b/c the fact is I have to change it on my own. Which is what I am trying to do... I just need guidance.. so I agree with you Fpsy.. maybe I do need some type of cognitive behavioral therapy. Thanks everyone for their concerns and comments I just needed some guidance... the truth is I am tired of living in fear of social situations and I'm willing and ready to do anything to make myself a better person and become a better communicator w/o using medicine. My thanks go out to everyone again! If anyone has any further comments they would like to add, please do. I have described my situation to the best of my ability. Again, thanks!
One the best things I've seen for overcoming your problem is in a group cognitive behavioral treatment program.
Basically people with any kind of social anxiety, whether is light or complex is that they think people negatively evaluate them. That is you, you think your voice sounds weird and you think everyone else is going to think that too.
I've seen people give a small talk in front of their therapy group, and it's video taped. It's played back to the members of the group to evaluate. The person who is giving the talk writes down all the negative evaluations that they think that the viewers are going to say when they watch the video. Everyone in the group gets a copy of this as a handout. While watching the video they evaluate on a point system next to each negative point.
Everytime it's done, the group never evaluates anywhere near what the presenter thinks about themselves. The group program last a long time, and you build up to actually doing the video presentation. Each person needs to practice this in a social context so that they extinguish the negative feelings.
When you talk to people? how you do feel inside, what do you feel physically, emotionally and behaviorally?
I agree and you have convinced me. I will definetaly look into it once I am able to. Thanks so much for you help. I really do appreciate all of the feedback. Thanks again.
I am glad that you are gonna try it. I realized that when you talked about the Air Force, you said b/c the IMAGE is everything...to me, that does mean that you are definitely worried about how others close to you and in authority of you perceive you.
Then counseling should definitely help.
Best,
Clyde
Nobody else is worried about thier image?.. They just don't give a shit or what? I don't know why I had to end up like this..? Anyways thanks for the help...
Can anyone out there on gods green earth tell me why in the hell this shit even happens to people. You know.. it would be great if like.. you know it didn't happen and .. you know.. didn't exist. Yes.. I am calling what I am going through an "it", and it is annoying as hell.. its like a damn fly buzzing his useless life around you, not leaving you alone, until you just about flip out. OH.. and also.. I just had to be the guy.. out of 324213409832409238049280943 ppl on this earth to get this disorder. Just great.....
Hi again Cody,
society anxiety can affect anyone. I was painfully shy, but as I got older I gained more self confidence. I think people are born shy but also environment also affects it. I think the best opportunity to help shyness is when children are young. Unfortunately I didn't have anyone help me when I was younger. In severe cases there is medication but I recommend trying the self help methods first. Like you said some people don't worry about their image - you could try that appproach by just saying "I'm gonna be myself and who cares if they don't like it". Like I said before I don't think it's the other people who don't like you. You also don't have to be great looking to feel confident. Look at Larry King - he's not the best looking guy, but he's very charismatic.
How's your sense of humor - because that's always a good ice breaker. Visualization and deep breathing also help alot. Try to engage in lots of different social situations. Volunterering is a great way to get involved without too much pressure. Please don't feel discouraged. When I ws 19, I was just beginning to come out of my shell and your self consciousness WILL improve with age. It will happen faster if you work on it. I know you're probably always having that little negative voice discouraging you- don't let it bother you- let the thoughts come but don't believe it and continue socializing. Best of luck
I think I'm just starting to come out of my shell.. and I didn't really have anyone help me when I was younger either.
I know theres no need to be sarcastic about this.. I just wish I could go back in time and fix myself. When your little you don't exactly think about this stuff very much until you grow up and it catches up to you. I didn't know I would end up like this.. .. I wish I would have known. I am already seeing progress though I've been getting a little bit better everyday, so I'm sure I'll be fine with practice.. its just this whole situation sucks.. im tired of thinking I have to try so hard.. when it comes so naturally to other ppl.( or possibly its just all in my head). I could be a good speaker to other ppl and I just don't think I am .. but I don't know if I will ever be able to tell the difference.. anyways thanks so much Bella... I'm glad to have somebody thats been through this situation give me advice. Thank you.
You're welcome Cody. I just wanted to say, there's nothing wrong with being shy, as long as the person is happy in thier life.Some people who are shy/introverted get offended at the thought of needing to change and that's okay if they don't want to. I wasn't happy with the limitations of my shyness. One thing to remember is, you never totally get rid of it - but you can learn to manage it. I still call myself shy because it's a part of me. But I feel I have managable shyness now - meaning I can adapt myself when necessary. It's always good to have that little voice that censors us(keeps us from making big mistakes LOL) but we don't want to allow it to control us. Best of luck Cody!! Bella :)
Thanks again. I totally agree with you. I feel I can change myself completely though, because I want to. I just have to use my mind, ppl have done extraordinary things b/c they have realized that they are not using their brain as much as they should. They don't think enough. I believe ppl can do almost anything if they set their mind to it. I'm tired of living this way. So I'm going to change no matter what. Just like Michael Jordan missing 9000 shots.. he never gave up. Same with me.
Thumbs up - for having a positive attitude!! :)