When signing up for this site, i said that the major issue i was here for was avoidant personality disorder. well i'm pretty sure i don't have that but looking back on my childhood (im 17) i feel like i'm a toned down yet exactly parallel description of the disorder. i like to tell myself that i no longer have self-esteem issues and i have many friends now (as opposed to a few years ago when i didn't really have friends). However a lot of my thoughts are spent analysing my social interactions and feeling stupid for everthing i do. i'm an extremely awkward person and i'm often tactless and say things that make people think im wierd or annoying. i have a constant fear of losing my friends and feeling inadequate to them. im always trying to prove my worthiness- my intelligence, morality, general opinions, personality, etc. but i overdo it most of the time and i get really defensive and i talk about myself way too much. but i also overdo the regret and self-reproach, basically if i do something that is considered socially acceptable i'll be very happy and if i do the opposite it'll make me feel very unhappy and tired and like i wish i could escape all my thoughts but i can't. sometimes i just sit and think and i don't realize im telling myself aloud that i'm a loser and sometimes i feel like i can't bear my thoughts anymore, not to the point of suicide but just a lot of distress.
i've had friends be very mad at me a few time without knowing why (not a shallow teenage kind of mad, but actually upset or offended by me), and the same with my boss and teachers. however i seem to have no issues with immediate family. i could just be imagining some of the times when people are mad at me but some times it's undeniable. i've tried asking my friends what bothers them about me but of course, they don't want to hurt my feelings so they don't help very much.
i think maybe i try too hard to be perfect and can't handle it when i make a mistake, but also my mistakes are more than the average's person's mistakes because i'm not as good as most people in social situations and very self-consious
i want to change and be a better person, i want people to like me, but i hate feeling inadequate. i still like myself though, i'm a lot more extroverted and confident than i used to be, and i'm not depressed or anything, i'm just always stressed out by these thoughts of incompetence and shame.
i don't know if this means anything but as a child my parents always made me feel guilty about everything and it always worked. also my parents are also defensive and try to prove themselves but they don't have the same feelings of embarrassment, shame, regret over their actions as i do, they might even be the opposite.
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