anorexia at eleven, which later progressed to bulimia when I was thirteen. I also self-harmed.
extremely suicidal.

See, I've been looking at photo albums. Me, at the ages of thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. My sallow, silver eyes; my black hair and crazy, silver outfits. I looked good. I was interesting; I adored moonlight and rock music and horror films. I was a sullen, sad, gloomy little thing.
I was looking at some conversations I had on Facebook a couple of years ago. I was so funny. There was this boy. This one boy, who I love so much. He was as lost as me. He used to talk to me about his secrets.
He had black hair, too. And he wanted to date me. So did three other boys.
I guess it's because I always made people laugh, despite the darkness in myself. I mean, I thought that I was flawed. You have no idea.

A lot of girls bullied me, but now I'm beginning to think that they might have just been kind of jealous... I was unique and special and kind.
And I was always in some dreaming state.

In the last year of high school, I was fed up. I did crazy things and I got drunk and I skipped school (to go to the library. Ha.) but I was fed up of everybody; shallow relationships and lies.
School ended.

And now I'm left with nothing at all.
No magic.
No rock music.
No depth.

I've grown. Taller. A lot taller. My hair is now shawn down to my shoulders, and it's its original brunette colour.
And I don't care about what I wear anymore. Sometimes I just wear my pink pyjama tops. Because, whatever.
I don't have any friends anymore, which is cool I guess. If they can't accept me, then, whatever. But it's just kind of sad.
I've grown from my best friend of eleven years, from my high school friends, from my magical dark haired angel who took me to rock concerts in the moonlight.
I'm still "ME". But ever since I started to accept myself, I seem to have lost my spark; my magic, my depth. No love, no passion. I miss it all.
I miss the lost, gloomy, "depressing" darkness in my soul. Now it's just, nothing.

My dark-haired angel no longer likes me.
I guess I mean this: I spent years loathing who I was, when I was actually very awesome.
And now I'm having a hard time accepting myself because I seem to have lost my magic; nobody seems to like me anymore. That wouldn't have mattered to me so much, had I not loved my friends. Had they not meant so much to me. Dig?



Answers


Chemar
694 days ago
Hello

I am not sure if you were writing just to "vent" or if you are asking a question.

It doesn't sound to me like the past "you" was happy, and it almost seems like you are romanticizing a dark period of you life?

Have you been in therapy? You mentioned bulimia and suicidal tendency. Sometimes finding a therapist that you can open up to honestly can be really helpful in your view of yourself and others.

I hope you will explore the parts of you that are talented and inspired, and pursue life with new hope.



fastoldbiker
694 days ago
Hi Silversun, an eloquent post – some writing potential? When you were at school, you were placed in a social environment where it was much easier to interact with people, if you wanted. You are missing that interaction, or rather having the choice to interact or not. Now it seems you do not have that choice because you are not engaging in any social activity.

You are looking at yourself a bit skewed. You are lonely and you are blaming your character and perhaps your appearance for being lonely. You are looking back on the past through rose-tinted glasses. I say skewed because you are being unfair on yourself, you are also on that downward spiral of self-destruction. It is not easy to get off that path, but something has to change. It may be that you need counselling, medication, whatever – but YOU have to take the first step.

If you want to have a social life and someone to share your life with, YOU have to make the effort. How bad do you want it? As we get older, social interaction can be more difficult. You do not have the environment like when you were at school and there were lots of people around you. But you have to make the effort. Not necessarily by going out to bars or night-clubs, but simple things like when you go out for shopping. Make an effort with your appearance. Make an effort to talk to people when you are shopping. Ask a person’s opinion on this or that. If you meet someone that seems interesting or attractive, invite them to go for a coffee with you!

Have you thought about a pet dog? Good company, something to cuddle! Also going for walks, a chance to meet people in the park? You need to get out there and meet people, talk to them. If you want to change your appearance what is stopping you? It is your choice.

If you want some magic back, you are going to have to make the effort to go and grab some. It won’t just come a knocking on your door. And, don’t be deflated when things don’t go your way, come back fighting and don’t dwell on what could have been.

Put your music on loud, dance yourself stupid and smile at yourself in the mirror, then go out for a walk and smile at someone. See if they smile back.

Best wishes with a warm heart and a cheery smile x



bella
694 days ago
Hi - you mentioned an eating disorder - are you over that and if not please get some help. Its natural to go through changes from early teens to adulthood and you found your niche but naturally you can't hold onto to that in real life. This is also a good lesson to appreciate what's happening in the moment. What are your plans now - job or education??

One thing many young people don't realize is how important school is and figuring out what career option is best. Its important to have a direction in life and you can then work on your best assets from there. Good luck.