By: it doesn’t matter…anyways someone else wrote this…and my comment to it is right after this.
Sometimes I feel like I don't want to live. It's not like I'm suicidal though... I would never kill myself; this goes against my personal views of life. I just feel like I've become sick with life on this planet. I feel sometimes that the things that we humans have created or focus so intently on (government, class (upper middle lower), friends, partying, "being cool" or "not cool", etc.) feel so unimportant, and in some ways petty, to me that it hurts me inside to live here. I do wish I could just kick back and become immersed in it all like everyone else so that I don't think this way. There are times when I can do this and bear life, but I always feel like my view of this world is constantly pressing down on my shoulders. I sometimes look at people in a somewhat alien way. I see them as... just another creature with little fears, hopes and instincts (so much the same as any other animal... we just seem to think we're different or special somehow). I do this sometimes to the point where I can hurt feeling guilt over their lives and how intensely immersed they are in things that I feel mean absolutely nothing. For example, I know a girl who needs to be with another to live her life happily, but, just as I predict, it all ends in turmoil when she finds them, and she begins her search again for her perfect half. Me, I find that I could be alone forever, yet am torn as to whether or not this is a strength or weakness. I can see both sides. I don't know if I'm normal. I am aware that I am human as well. I do share many of the same experiences. I just feel reluctant, at times, to continue on with the farce that is life. It all feels so incredibly staged. It's like one big game. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks that they are better than any other human or animal on this planet. We are all simply large clumps of cells thriving to survive.
I think I'm pretty much the same way you are Insignia. I feel as if I don't need others to survive, and I really don't need anything else to survive or live except for the obvious stuff like "water" and "food" and stuff like that of course. People tell me that I can't live without other people in my life as far as being social and everything(finding a girl friend...stuff like that) and that I need to have someone to talk to... but as a matter of fact... I think I would be just fine without anyone. I havn't dated many girls....not that I lack the skills or "I can't do it", its not that its just that I really don't give a shit to. To be honest I really don't care about much.. but I do take care of myself of course. Usually I'm just doing my own thing and I really don't like to be bothered a lot. Especially at work, I would rather just do my job by myself and do it the right way and then leave without having to associate with anyone. I know it sounds like I”m anti-social.... its not that I just simply do not feel the need to be around anyone or to really do anything. The whole "life is a big game" is exactly my attitude towards the world. I feel so bored with it also.....I don't understand why I'm even existing just to basically do the same things over and over again, I mean (there is no life struggle?). When basically in my eyes... I feel like I'm only here for one thing and one thing only and that is for God. To try to live life as sinfree as possible so I can get to heaven. Its kind of ironic isnt it? Maybe its just me.... but it just seems like I'm here to live 80 or however many years of my life just to try to get close to God... which, I havnt even done "that" yet either so...I don't know. Maybe I'm just wierd...80+ years is a long time... just for that ? Ya know? Like I said maybe its just me. Another thing is that I feel like my life is just so "not there"... and I just really do not care... if I had 1 billion dollars I would rather give the money to starving children or someone in need of it or have them switch places with me. So they don't have to starve or suffer and just let me suffer and starve... I would rather be helping someone else so I could be trying to live life everyday at least with a challenge rather than just wake up and do the same shit. I just really do not care about my life to be honest. This may sound kind of dumb but I also view myself as “useless" or “worthless”. I am no one( I don’t deserve to live either, I am nobody) I mean like Insignia said.. I'm not suicidal.. in fact I'm very healthy and I'm social a bit too.. but what I'm saying is that I really just do not have to have anything I would trade places with someone going through starvation in a heart beat that way my life would be forfeited. I feel as if I don't have to live life and if someone else needs to have a better lifestyle take mine... I don't deserve anything... children don't deserve to grow up into starvation or an unhealthy lifestyle. It just doesn't seem right. Take my life! To add to my comment... I don't feel right staying here living my easy dumb unimportant life when there are people suffering out there... its as if I don't even have to try and I will get by so easily in life but other people are trying as hard as they can, down to their very souls to even survive days on end without food and water or what ever the issue may be. I feel disgusted with myself for not being able to do anything about it. I wish they could live and I could die for them. I would die for them. I would die for my family and friends also. People going on with their riches and babbling about worthless investments. When the rich live and the poor suffer and die?… its all just dumb to me. As a matter of fact… I think life is dumb. I think life is just “why does there have to be life?” The only logical reason that I can think of why there is a life is because God needs to see who is worthy of being in heaven with him, but… at the same time if someone so great and all powerful wanted such a thing. Why couldn’t he just make “those people or beings” himself instead of having us “prove” ourselves. I’m sorry if you think I’m wrong or if you think I have a wrong way of looking at it but its just how I feel. It’s the best way I can put it.
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