I think I’m losing it. Or maybe I’ve already lost it. I have two moods, high and low. High is hyper, laughing, too many jokes, funny voices and faces. Low is sad, depressed, agitated, easily frustrated, jealous, sarcastic, and short tempered.
When I’m high I want to dance, sing, move, laugh, tell stories, tell jokes, and socialize.
When I’m low I want to write, scream, cry, and stop thinking. Sometimes I just want to run until my feet bleed.
There are also two of me. Good Me, Bad Me. Good Me is me, my conscious mind. Bad Me is a part of me, but he’s not me, he’s a detached me.
When Good is in control I’m less focused on myself and what’s “wrong with me” I’m generally happier, and more social, I feel genuinely happy, not on a fake “high” as listed above.
When Bad is in control my thoughts are more judgmental, darker, and more depressing. OCD rules me, my actions, and my thoughts. Bad will tell me that I really meant something else when I thought that, that I have to do something a certain way, and that I can’t think about certain memories. I have to put things in their places before I go to bed or people I love will die.
It’s actually very difficult to put what I’m feeling into logical and coherent sentences.
Anyway, sometimes Good and Bad struggle for control all day those are the worst days, racing contradicting thoughts.
It’s not even that Good is necessarily “good” it’s just me. Good is just me and my conscious thoughts and feelings. Bad is most the time “bad” I guess you could say. It’s not really like Bad tells me to do things. But it’s the one that makes all the rules that go along with OCD. It’s that little voice that says, “Is everything in its place?” when I go to bed. So neither Good or Bad are all good or all bad…it’s just easier to put it that way.
So is Bad some distorted figment of my messed up mind? Or is my mind just split into two? Or is Good just me and Bad is sin?
I don’t know. I’m writing this because I need to, and also to understand, because I’m just confused. I feel like nothing is definite in my head, “Am I actually tired?” “Am I actually crazy?” “Am I actually feeling this?” “Do I really think I’m losing it?”
I don’t know. I am Christian, so I kind of think maybe this is what God gave me, which is fine, I just want to know. I’m happier when I don’t worry about “what’s wrong with me” but I find even when I’m on a high, I’ll soon sink low again, and I’ll get stuck in my head all over again. I go from low to high many times throughout the day. I guess it could just be being a moody teenager. But I feel like it’s more than that.
Two more things, I have felt so stupid this past school year. Like I have good grades, but I’m not as into it as I usually am. And I’m in a fog and can’t quite think perfectly clearly like I used to. Like I just numbly do it I’m not really engaged. I feel like my thoughts are so jumbled up. When I look back and read this it seems so jumbled and confused. I feel like I have to start a new paragraph every five seconds to make it less muddled. I can’t stand reading my own big paragraphs because they’re too close together and nothing separates them.
Last thing, I talk to myself a lot, not in front of other people, but when I’m alone. I’ll actually go into my room just to be alone so I can talk to myself. I think it’s because I used to talk to my Mom about things, but now I feel too awkward to even do that, I don’t think she wants to hear it, and I don’t really know how to say it. Though I don’t talk to myself about what I’m dealing with, I usually talk like I’m a normal teenager who is happy, fun, hyper, easily distracted, that kind of thing. I pretend I’m talking to a camera sometimes too, like it’s a vlog.
I have some trust issues with letting people “in”. Once I’ve let them in, and become friends with them I still can’t really let them in like I’ll tell jokes and stories and stuff, but when they ask about what’s up with me I shy away and change the subject. It’s weird because I’m dying inside and need to talk to someone, but when they ask I don’t want to tell, and it’s way too difficult to explain anyway.
Basically I feel trapped in my head like I should be outside of it and socializing, but I’m to stuck inside. (I’ve always been a very quiet person though.) This is really stressing me out because I want to get on next year’s hockey team but I know I won’t be able to talk to my teammates, and that will create problems and awkwardness. I’ll be way to scared to talk to them and ask them question or anything.
Thank you for reading; I really hope this wasn’t too confusing, I hope you could follow it. I’m sorry if I repeated myself, I just desperately want to get how I’m feeling across to anyone who’s reading. Thank you so much!
Notice: Psych Central Answers shut down to new questions on January 11, 2013.
Looking for a place to ask your question? Sign up today for our community (you'll need a separate account than the one you use here), and ask away!
Ask and answer questions about mental health and relationship issues in a safe & supportive environment. If you ask a question, you will have to answer someone else's first, in order to give back to others here.