Don't ask me why, because i honest to God, (If he exists, that is) have no idea why, but i want to hurt people... Bad... Like, when i was like.... I think i was maybe 10 or 11 years old i got absolutely obbsessed with weaponry of all kids, old, new, blades, guns, blunt, anything. Since then i have moved from just weapons, onto technique, then onto defence from the technique using another technique, then onto armor, then back to weapons, then back to technique, then armor again, then even to blacksmithing and numerous other armor/weapon related crafts. I am obsessed. I know that, i knew that when i was 11 and this started, and i know that now. (14 years old now, by the way.) I daydream about going postal in the school lunchroom just to.... I don't know why, really... And at night i sometimes have this wierd dream were i'm in like this completely bare concrete garage fighting off hordes of zombies, (Max Brooks fan also) and i'm surrounded by people i know, and some that i don't, and they all die eventually, and then i have to run off away from the garage and i escape down this drainage sewer were i always hurt my hip on the right side, (Please note, in the dream everyone had a gun of some sort, and they all never had any extra ammo or ever ran out of ammo.) i camp out in the sewer thingy and then one lone zombie falls down there and, (Also not, it is pitch dark in the sewer) of course, i start shooting at it, the only light is the split second flash from the muzzle of my gun and right when it grabs me i can see its face and i press the gun to its temple and.... I have no ammo. Then just as the thing is about to take a bite out of my face, i wake up. Don't ask me what this means either, because i don't have a clue.
If anyone has ever seen the movie 300, i guess you could say i remind myself of Methostophalize (The hunchback traitor who gets the 300 spartans killed) I want nothing more than to serve a cause i believe in righteously, in face to face, hand to hand combat, die, and to be honored and remembered for it. I want that glory, but like the hunchback in the movie i can't do it. (For different reasons than he, of course) I view myself as a pathetic loser who is one "Fad" behind the rest of the world, (Which at the moment is my junior high school) a pathetic loser who is too much of a spineless pig to do anything to make his life better for himself, hence my being on this website, i hate myself so much that i have to come to others for help with MY problems. (Not saying thats why all of you are here, just, thats why i'm here)
Most of the time i feel like i'm trapped in a room, with the door wide open in front of me, but theres a noose around my neck, and the other end of the noose is tied to the trigger of a gun, a gun that is aimed straight at everything i know and love, and if i try and escape the room out the door then not only do i die, but so does everything i care about.
I, also, am angry all the time, not an hour and a half ago i slashed at my backyard fence with one of the steel swords i made myself while experimenting with Blacksmithing to the point it band at a 90 degree angle! And not 5 minutes ago i chased my cat down the stairs with a flip-flop and then screamed at my sister. I feel like a math book... Too many damn problems...
Well, thats what i have... Make of it what you will.
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