I have PTSD and DID and have been in therapy for around 15 years. I was diagnosed with DID about four years ago after bouncing around the mental health system for a while with wrong diagnoses (as I hear is usual for individuals with DID).
I've been in therapy with an experienced therapist for almost 3 years, which is by far the longest period I've ever been with a therapist. Three years seems to be a long time, but after all this time I still don't trust her. I believe she's talking about me behind my back, and we've discussed this but there's nothing she can say that will satisfy me on this point. I don't trust her with my story of abuse because I think she can't handle it and I don't know what she'll do with it. I'm also afraid that I'll say something wrong and she'll stop seeing me, as other therapists have done. I also feel that she has some kind of agenda that she hasn't revealed to me, and I think she's lying about it. I actually think she's lying to me about a lot of things, though I don't have proof.
This is all probably PTSD-related paranoia but I still believe it and it doesn't matter that I can intellectualize it and reality test. I really believe all this stuff is true. I don't have a single person in my life whom I trust, and I don't think I ever will have that person. Why can't I trust anyone and how do 'normal' people learn to trust people? What's it going to be like to live my entire life as an outsider?
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