Avatar Posted by Char21 190 days ago (Question)
Hi I'm 22 years old I meet my boyfriend around July of 2011 . At first when I meet him everything was good he would take me out to eat or the movies or just out . After a while I guess it was all fake a way to get to my heart for the moment and later show his true colors . After a while he would never pick my calls much and when he did call me back he would tell me his in the studio making music and that he didn't like when people disturb him that music was his passion and that no one could get in between that and well it bothered me him barely calling or pickin up same on text messaging but we would see each other ever week at least 4 times . When we would go out he would be rude and flurt with woman and I would confront him he would make up stories like for example we went bar hoping with my brother and he went outside to smoke a cigg and he came back with red lipstick kisses on his cheek and I asked what that was about he made up that the one from across the bar was French and said hi to him that French woman kiss you on both cheeks and I got highly upst and he got MADD that I didn't trust him that he went to leave the bar and I chased after him but idk why when I know something was wrong about what he did well we spoke and I got over it and we kept talking but he was just to friendly with woman it bothered me . On December he decided to brake up with me and I was depressed for about two weeks and I kept sleeping alot then I started to feel like my body was changing and I asked my sister to get me a pregnancy test and I ended up pregnant I was so surprised shaking and I didn't know what to do since we stoped talking but I told my mom and she told me I had to tell him tht same night he came to my house and he was upset because he felt we were to young and that a kid would just mess our life's up but I told him I didn't care what he thought that I would give birth to a beautiful baby with or without him and he decided to be a man and take care of me and this child so I moved in with him when I was three months , I thought our realtionship would get better , he proposed to me I was so happy but then our realtionship was not good because we didn't have communication we fought alot because I was jealous and didnt trust him for nothin he stoped with his music (his passion ) he stoped talking to friends woman because I would always accuse him of something that he wasn't doing so to shut me up he stoped talking to his female friends but I still would complain about everything I guess I pushed him away and we both weren't happy , we both gave up alot and we were losing ourself really in the relationship , I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy on October 2012 and our realtionship still arguing to much I though things would get better but they didn't till one day I told him that I would be staying with my mom for a month so we can give each other space he was so upset as hurt I guess because I didn't ask him how he felt about it that he broke up with me and I ended leaving the next day to my brothers house to love but I lasted just a week came back asking for forgiveness and for him I take me back but he was just to hurt and telling me no not now and I would ask will it ever work out if things change my jealousy and if I go to school and work get myself busy and him too because we see each other 24/7 we don't work nor go to school we lie with his parents in a new house thu bought and well I told him if he could let me stay there so everything would be easier me going back to school and work and just finding myself all over and that maybe we can work on our realtionship but to him it's not something that will be easy forgiven he said we both need to just be on our own and that later if we decided we can be together again , I'm so hurt and depressed I don't wanna eat nor smile or even do anyhing I just wanna be with him and work on myself at the same time do you think there's still a chance for us to rebuild our relationship with communication if we take our time but first working on ourself can there be the chance that he will really wanna be with me agin I love him I just hope there's a chance there what do you think ?


Answers


WarriorsCurse
189 days ago
well iv read what you put and if there's one thing that i understand its that you cant expect to help someone else's life if you cant help your own. how ever i personally would say that how your feeling at the moment based upon what you put is natural but if you have both been around each other all the time then little arguments are bound to pop up but if you want things to be ok then give each other some space like different homes and go talk about how you will both sort out what the plans for the child is. as for the flirting and kisses with other women i could only imagine that if it was me then it would be because either he is sexually bored with you or he thinks your ugly (no offence intended im just being honest based upon if that guy was me) but if anything its probably cause hes bored of having sex with you or the relationship isn't spicy enough if you know what i mean. i hope this helped you out at all :)
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FlyingRask
189 days ago
Char:

Congrats on the new baby! From experience, start by making him your number one concern, even if other parts of your life need work. As hard as it is to comprehend now, you'll be a better person if you throw yourself into fulilling your role as a mother first. Also, take some personal time, even if it's just a few minutes a day--maybe take a walk somewhere or listen to music for a few minutes. If your mom or someone you trust can watch the kid for a while, it's therapeutic to go see friends or get into a hobby or self-improvement activity once or twice a week. Just start piecing your life together.

Much of what you're feeling is probably just a fear of the unknown and a lack of control, all at the same time you've suddenly got this little person to worry about. My advice: figure-out how you'll support the child, without his father in the picture. Do you want a degree? What kind of career would make you happy and allow you some flexibility to raise a child--flexible schedules or work -from-home options are big pluses? Is living with your mom for a while or a cheap apartment your best option so you can start saving for a home. Don't be afraid, though be appreciative, of asking your family for help. Most importantly, don't be afraid to make mistakes. As long as you keep trying & stick to your plan you'll be fine, you just need time to let things play-out.

Take a deep breath now, because I'm going to lay a little harsh reality on you. Your boyfriend treats you like crap--don't know the whole story, but what you've said paints him as completely immature & self-absorbed. Long story short, he is completely the wrong guy, right now, to count on for a life-long relationship & probably to be a decent father. However, always give him an opportunity to be a dad & spend time with your son. You, on the other hand, are feeding into his game, by acting needy & clingy. While these behaviors may seem counter to your normal personality, for whatever reason, you've allowed yourself or he's gamed you into feeling insecure. Everyone's felt this way to some degree, where you want to do anything to fix the relationship & your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse abuses the power to gain dominance from your willingness to play a weaker role. Good relationships are a matter of balance, of accepting the other person's faults & building on each others strengths. Right now, he's got you believing he's in charge & has no problem manipulating you to get what he wants, without giving you anything substantial in return. Take a break from him for a month or so. If you need to see him because of your son, then keep it businesslike & keep your emotions in control.

It's a tough pill to swallow, but you can only control yourself, so start there. Get your life together & concentrate on your child for now. Like I said, encourage your boyfriend to be a part of your kid's life, but put some boundaries on your interactions with him. There's a chance, though it's far from a guarantee, that once things start to work-out for you, he'll be more open to changing & maturing. The stronger & more in control of your own life you become, the more men, in general, will want to be a part of it. Make your son happy, you'll be happy, & things will mostly fall into place.

I grew-up thinking I was going to be a professional athlete & came close. I've friends that actually recorded albums & toured. I even had a buddy who became a professional surfer for a while. It's good to chase your dream, but if you don't make the cut, it's time to grow-up. I don't know your boyfriend & he could be really talented, but chances are his music career is tenuous at best--even good musicians languish. At twenty-two, he'll have to make a decision soon to either: a) get by with a part-time job at Starbucks & play local bars twice a week to keep the dream alive or b) grow-up & find a real career. It's not really your place to tell him he needs to find a real job, but if you two begin to talk about a new start then you need to set some firm boundaries.

First, you'll need new start & ignore the past & anything either of you did to screw things up in the first place. Be clear, you're not jumping back into where you left off--e.g. jealousy and begging brought on by his desire to get close with other women--but this is a new start with new rules, almost like when you were first dating. He has to be a one woman man, keep a safe distance from other girls, & make time for you when he's not working or playing music--once a month isn't enough, it should be a real commitment & consider your needs & interests. The cool thing is you can carry-over all the positive stuff & build on it, while being able to recognize any negative behavioral patterns. Second, he has to play an active role in raising his child. A real man shouldn't need to be told his kid needs him, but don't be afraid to give him a kick in the ass. Third, if you or he slips into old negative behaviors that threaten the relationship, don't be afraid to kick each other in the ass. This safeguard just means when either one of you is uncomfortable with what the other is doing, you can tell the other person & they'll understand they need to fix it or at least make things tolerable--sometimes these problems are temporary & require flexibility on both sides to work through. Make sure he understands you're willing to listen to what he thinks you need to work on & then commit yourself to fixing it--sometimes one person changing can inspire change in the other, but at the very least you'll learn something & grow from the experience. Fourth, support him & tell him you appreciate when he supports you. If he gets a new job tell him how proud you are & do some things to show your encouragement--e.g. make his lunch, buy him a new shirt, show-up at work & tell his boss what a great guy he is, or send a text periodically to ask how his work day is going & try to motivate his positive attitude. Fifth, talk to someone. Whether you talk to a family member, close friend, or therapist, just vent to someone. This action will help you work through the issues in your head & should help keep you from blowing-up at your boyfriend. Just make sure you make your own decisions & don't rely on other sources to make them for you!

Best of luck & I'll pray for you & your son!!!

J
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