I recently came to the realization that I carry a ton of psychological issues that stem from my childhood. The issues I am battling are depression, shame, emotional deprivation, fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment and I am very passive aggressive. I have never felt comfortable revealing myself or letting myself feel vulnerable instead I push anyone who comes close to me away. Essentially sabotaging all of my personal relationships. I am aware that my husband is frustrated with my behavior and I have done so much damage, caused him so much pain that it makes me hate myself even more. I don't feel like I am good enough for him and sometimes wonder why is he with me. My feelings of low self worth were caused by my parents who were very verbally abusive to me. I was also raped as a teenager and that caused my self loathing feelings to spiral out of control (my mother blamed me for the rape and said I must of done something to deserve it). My husband has been extremely patient and forgiving but I feel like it is so hard for me to get rid of these old habits. I have taken the first step of acknowledging my problems and desperately want to lose these paralyzing emotions. I have attended individual counseling, currently taking wellbuterin and am reading a very good book that is offering me guidance in how to to change. The problem is that I have a lot of anxiety. I feel convinced that my husband hates me and wants to leave me. I want to be a loving and trustful partner to him but I am so scared to let my guard down. What if he gets to know my true self and becomes disappointed? We had another fight today and honestly my heart is broken at all of the terrible things I've done to him. I can't stop crying at the amount of pain he must be in. He said he is willing to move on but I feel extreme guilt and am so ashamed. What can I do now to move forward? How can I make these feelings stop? I don't want to fight anymore. I want to prove to him that I will love him unconditionally.
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