I recently came to the realization that I carry a ton of psychological issues that stem from my childhood. The issues I am battling are depression, shame, emotional deprivation, fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment and I am very passive aggressive. I have never felt comfortable revealing myself or letting myself feel vulnerable instead I push anyone who comes close to me away. Essentially sabotaging all of my personal relationships. I am aware that my husband is frustrated with my behavior and I have done so much damage, caused him so much pain that it makes me hate myself even more. I don't feel like I am good enough for him and sometimes wonder why is he with me. My feelings of low self worth were caused by my parents who were very verbally abusive to me. I was also raped as a teenager and that caused my self loathing feelings to spiral out of control (my mother blamed me for the rape and said I must of done something to deserve it). My husband has been extremely patient and forgiving but I feel like it is so hard for me to get rid of these old habits. I have taken the first step of acknowledging my problems and desperately want to lose these paralyzing emotions. I have attended individual counseling, currently taking wellbuterin and am reading a very good book that is offering me guidance in how to to change. The problem is that I have a lot of anxiety. I feel convinced that my husband hates me and wants to leave me. I want to be a loving and trustful partner to him but I am so scared to let my guard down. What if he gets to know my true self and becomes disappointed? We had another fight today and honestly my heart is broken at all of the terrible things I've done to him. I can't stop crying at the amount of pain he must be in. He said he is willing to move on but I feel extreme guilt and am so ashamed. What can I do now to move forward? How can I make these feelings stop? I don't want to fight anymore. I want to prove to him that I will love him unconditionally.


Answers


donnaG
1702 days ago
You seem to be in a good place, actually. You should most likely see a therapist who can help work you through these feelings. But you want to change, which is a crucial step. One thing that helped me tremendously when I faced a somewhat similar situation was the realization that these negative thoughts about yourself are not objectively real. They're how YOU feel about YOURSELF. It's a bit shocking if you think about it - you feel these negative feelings SO strongly, yet they are NOT REAL. I mean, they are, but they are only real to YOU - they exist in your own head/heart/mind. You are not a bad person and there is no objective reason to feel shameful or have a low self esteem - you are a very hurt person, and maybe you have done things or acted in ways you are not happy about because of being so hurt, but the feelings you have about yourself came from being hurt and abused, and you have coped as best you could. It IS up to you to take the responsibility for and put the effort into healing, which is the important thing to focus on.



Edahn
1702 days ago
I don't think you need to make those feelings "go away." You can look into them, feel them, and just understand why they're there. You can be kind to yourself, rather than rejecting yourself as defective and in need of repair. That doesn't mean you have to act on them or like donna said, believe that they are true. Just see what they are and why they are and acknowledge them. "Now I feel this," and "now I feel that" you can say to yourself silently and gently. THEN decide if there's something that needs to be done, or if this is just another thought and feeling trying to tease you back into feeling like something is unsafe in your life.

If you want to read more, I would recommend Radical Acceptance by Brach or A Path with Heart by Kornfield. The practice is called Mindfuless. You could possibly explore it with your therapist. The key, though, is that you don't have to try and erase your thoughts and feelings. By gently letting them be there and not getting lost in them, you can divest them of power and see what needs to be done.

One of those courses of action can be to just start doing things right and move on from the drama and suffering that has marked your history with your husband, just as he suggested. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Being responsible about your words and actions is actually a great way to show him that you understand what you were doing wrong. In other words, moving on IS an apology.

Sincerely,

Edahn



Clyde
1687 days ago
Its not easy ever to make your feelings go away. You have to realize this and I think your therapist is really trying to show you how to believe in yourself, and as Edahn said, moving on will be and is an apology of some sorts.

Best,

Clyde