Avatar Posted by kb100 128 days ago (Question)
I have been having an ongoing affair for the past 10 years. I am married, he is married. We met about 12 years ago...I would have been with him had I not gotten pregnant with my son. I had left my husband and after finding out I was pregnant, went back to him. My question now is that we are both miserable, we want to leave our spouses, we know what we are doing is wrong, but there are children involved same ages 2 boys 7 and 2 girls 5...I have tried to tell my husband that I am unhappy but he won't hear it and thinks we can make it over this so called "hump"...we have done counseling together and seperate. My husband is very co-dependent, I am not. I just don't know how to do this and it is consuming my life and starting to drive me crazy!! Any advice will be greatly appreciated!


Answers

Written by Francesca 126 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

First of all, ten years is not an affair, it is a relationship. This is a tricky situation given that you have maintained two separate relationships for over a decade.

I don't really have the expertise to deal with such a delicate situation, but I can give up a couple key points that I picked up on.

1) Your husband wants to work it out and you seem to have already shut that door.

2) You say that your husband is codependent, how were these issues handled during your time in counseling?

3) You both have families, children, and insignificant others. This means, no matter what your husband is like, we have no idea where the guy from the affair stands, and what his situation is like.

There are so many possibilities here. It really is hard to determine from such little information, what proper course of action should be taken.

I think that if you are really unhappy with your husband, you need to view that as an issue separate from your relationship with the "other guy."

Okay fine, I am just going to be frank here. You seem to have shown a bias in your post regarding your husband, as if what you really want to hear is that you should kick him to the curb for this other guy. I don't think this really pin points the entire situation.

For one, you say that your husband thinks you can "get over the hump," together. You have gone to counseling, and nothing has worked. I ask you this, how could it have, if you were maintaining an ongoing affair with another man? Were you honest in therapy about your affair, or did you leave it up to your husband to make all the changes?

To be honest, if you haven't been completely upfront about what was going on, then YOU never committed to the therapy, or your husband.

This guy has set a standard, (having your cake and eating it too), that you have grown accustomed to. There is a reason you stayed with your husband so long, and there is a reason, you have not established a permanent relationship with the other guy. Am I right?

These situations are tricky because there are so many people involved. So let me lay out the fundamentals.

You cannot blame your husband for his faults if you never committed to him in the first place.

You are getting what you need from BOTH men not just one or the either, otherwise your decision would seem much more clear to you.

You have grown comfortable with this arrangement, out of laziness and not wanting to take responsibility for your actions.

It is completely unfair to keep your husband working on a relationship you have no desire to succeed in.

I don't know. That is the most I can say about the situation without knowing where the "other guy" stands.

As it seems to me, you have been completely negligent and unfair with your husband. Leading him on for TEN years, without any real desire to make it work. Making it work would mean focusing on what you and your husband have together. Building a life together. Not building a life that is half fulfilled, and getting what you need on the side.

I think you are selfish and that you, and your man, are causing a world of grief to everyone you are involved with.

Best course of action? Make a decision and stick to it. Deal with the consequences. Act like adults.

Good luck.

Written by Edahn 126 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Are you asking for a strategy for ending it with your husband, or ending it with the other guy?

Written by Edahn 126 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Great post, Francesca. I agree completely but didn't know how to put it all together. I also wonder whether you are just as codependent as your husband, but have sought relief by running away and spreading your investments over multiple partners. That way you don't risk losing as much and aren't as fearful.

Best of luck to you.

Written by Clyde 122 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Good post from Francesca. I do think that having an "affair" this long does constitute something other than an affair.

I do think you are as codependent, and I do think that also with children involved it is indeed a tricky situation. What does the other two in the relationship think?

Your husband doesnt want a change, but your upset because you went back?

What about the other woman?

Best,

Clyde


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