My husband of 13 years recently moved out, after a year of a very strained relationship. We see each other now a couple times a week, and it's gradually become clear to me that he is depressed. He has finally, after years of talking about it, decided to seek counselling. I support this. What I find difficult is his inability to 'give' me anything at all in terms of reassurance. I feel I have to be supportive and understanding, and must expect nothing in return. The issue is more complicated than just a depression, as relationship issues are mixed up in there as well. I don't know how long I can continue to be there for him, while feeling a little as if I'm being used. I don't mean to sound selfish, but in thinking about it, it seems I've always had to be the strong one, and the moment I became weak and demanded something from him everything began to collapse. Couples counselling is not something he wants to consider, and I suppose it would be too much for him at the moment as he feels quite depleted. He is entirely self-involved and I feel quite angry about that. Anyone with similar experience who could give some words of wisdom?
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Answers
Thanks guys. It's good to hear some things confirmed. It's hard to deal with because how we are now is so different to how we've always been together and all these drastic changes have made me question how I remember our togetherness in the past. I wonder if I lived in my own fantasy world and never truly saw him as he really is. I also wonder if I neglected myself to such a degree that when I began to see the discrepancy between what I wanted and what I was getting, and having never learned to ask for it properly, I forgot why I had ever loved him in the first place. It was a really difficult year that preceded this strange break-up, for both of us. I have to learn now, it seems, how to love this person I'm not sure if I know truly, as well as how to value myself properly.
Sometimes it's all so clear to me. At other times I think it's just unfair that I should be putting my needs aside indefinitely and, as it's what I've been doing for so many years, that it's just time to stop.
I guess it's a matter of time, like everything. Still. it's painful and confusing and good to have some feedback from people who have some similar experiences.
Thank you for listening!
The rule that I go by is to never make big changes when there has been a crisis in life. It's easy to knee jerk and want to walk away during the tough times. Wait a year until the dust settles and try not to be so hard on yourself or on him. It seems these days that everybody is insisting that their significant other be some highly evolved spiritual being like Deepak Chopra. It just doesn't work that way. Be kind to each other. Be friends first and just listen to each other without demands. Love with an open hand ... with no attachment to the outcome.
All the best,
LittleWing
Hi Daisy,
I'm posting my reply up here because for some reason there as no "reply" at the end of your most recent post. How do I know? ... you asked. I just do. I have kind of an empathic tendency you might say. If he stays in counseling and learns to recognize his self-talk, how he views the world, he will learn how to cope with depression. Depression is literally beating up on oneself over and over and over with a negative thought pattern. It's normal when you love someone so much to want to "fix" it for them. Well, you can't. He has to choose a different way to view the world. This is his to come to grips with. This circle we can become caught up in can be debilitating for both people. At some point, perhaps, his therapist will want you to sit in on sessions too. For now just be his friend. When the conversation turns negative (I call it the old mind fuck) don't get sucked in cause that's when you get exhausted and beat up on yourself for not knowing the right thing to say at that moment or for not fixing it. You can only control your own behavior. Let each other off the hook. Just remember to love him in a nonjudgmental way ... with an open hand. We started taking yoga together and that's been amazing. It can open up a whole new world for you two. Have fun together. Life is a journey it is not a destination. Enjoy the ride!
Be happy,
LittleWing
Dear Little Wing,
You really are being a little wing. Thank you.
I was going to write today, to you specifically, to say that your original reply has really helped me so much. It has opened my mind to something that was brewing there already, it seems, and has informed, not only my actions, but my feeling and thinking about this matter.
It's true that my thinking had become rather clouded by expectations of my husband to be a certain way (more or less as loving and attentive as he always had been) and also by some rigidity in my views on romantic love. I knew all this all along, and kept reading it in various places, but somehow it just didn't filter through properly.
I think that having a 'condition', or name of one at any rate, helps - it helps to know that my husband has some form of depression and to see that as a separate thing in some sense.
In any case, the question that was floating through my mind to ask you was one you've answered in your most recent post: how long? Of course everyone and every situation is different, I know that. I'm not going to 'walk away', I wouldn't even know how, if I'm honest, or what that means. We've been together for so long that I feel we are part of each other's DNA, for heaven's sake. And it's like he told me a few days ago 'our love goes deeper than the here and now'...though my view at the time was that I want US in the here and now as well.
I guess what I was thinking originally, when you first wrote, was that my situations is different, I'm assuming, to what you described of yours in that my husband has left. He lives across town and though we keep in daily contact, it's very different to sharing the banalities of everyday life with someone you love and care about. There's something very beautiful about just having a cup of tea together, as a friend of mine recently said.
I guess the thing to get over is mourning what you think you've lost and see what you've gained and stand to gain.
I also find it interesting that you say 'try not to be so hard on yourself or on him'. How can you tell I'm being hard on both of us? I really want to know. Because you've got me to a T, in some way, and I'd love to know how I've made that so clear in my two short posts.
Well, thank you very much, really and truly, for your insights. I hope you'll feel like sharing some of that again.
Daisy
Hi Clyde,
I'm laughing now because that was a case of really bad punctuation on my part! I was aware of it the minute I posted but didn't know if I could edit and put in a comma where it belonged. Oh dear.
What I meant was that this situation is painful and confusing, but that it is good to hear feedback...
Big difference!
So, no I didn't find your post painful and confusing, even if you tried to make it so. :)
I found your post thoughtful and helpful. But too short! You seem wise and I appreciate your taking the time to write. Thank you.
In the meantime, I'll work on those commas and syntax. :)
Best,
Daisy
You said: " it's painful and confusing and good to have some feedback from people who have some similar experiences."
I do my best to make it as painful and confusing as possible :)
I do hope it comes around soon to you too, you do seem like you are trying hard...
Best,
Clyde
Well, at least he is beginning in the right step, hopefully after his therapy, he can understand how upset and emotionally drained he has made you as well?
I hope things get better.
Best,
Clyde
Depression is exhausting and debilitating, so for now try and put your needs aside for a few weeks until he begins to recover. He's finally in counseling and that is a great thing ... a huge step for anyone. Depression is anger turned inward. When he begins to listen to the way he is talking to himself and relearn his self-talk you will see a big change in him eventually. For now be the "steady as she goes" person. Yes, I went through this with my husband and I loved him and babied him and supported him for a couple of years until he pulled out of it. It takes time and unconditional love. We have been married 30 years now and you'd never know, to meet him today, that he ever went through such a tough time. Treat yourself to a concert or a day at the spa when you can, but don't give up on him. He needs you now more then ever.
I remember that men are awfully proud when it comes to acting like they NEED anyone. Mine at least was ashamed of himself and would try to act like he didn't need anyone. That was just his defense mechanism. If your husband is functioning normally now ... sleeping, eating, going to work, and able to keep a schedule then maybe suggest going to counseling with him. If he agrees to joint counseling then you can ask him, AT the session only, what his expectations are regarding your relationship. Let the therapist take it from there. If he's not ready for joint therapy and doesn't want to talk about your issues then you just have to let go until he is. All you can do is let him know that you love him and want the marriage to work.
YOU can always make an appointment with the same therapist, separately, and let the doc decide when to put you two on the same couch. Might as well talk to the person who understands best what is going on with your husband.
Good luck,
LittleWing
Hi Little Wing,
I don't know where this reply is going to end up so I hope you see it - there is no 'reply' button at the end of your last post.
Just wondering, did you ever, when you were helping your husband through his depression, feel left out? Like he wanted to shut you out and seemed to be getting along better on his own?
I just feel a bit as if I'm just one of the issues my husband is trying to sort out. I don't want to be just another issue! Just another person who seems to be making demands on him.
I really am trying the unconditional loving with an open hand business, but it's a bit up and down, I must admit. I guess I still feel angry that he's so self-involved. He's not unable to get out of bed or anything, by which I mean that his depression is not completely debilitating. He's trying to sort out his whole life, by himself. I find this hard. Maybe we have always been too close, I don't know.
Isn't there a danger that we'll just drift apart, see how easily we can live without each other and not bother to work on 'our' issues?
I keep re-reading your line in your first post 'don't give up on him, he needs you now more than ever'. I guess I don't really believe that fully.
Did you ever think and wonder about these kinds of things?
Daisy