Avatar Posted by jjfrustrated 1855 days ago (Question)
I met the woman of my life 3 years ago & to this day, we have the absolute best times of our lives together..except for the sex. For 3 years, I turned her down alot for sex b/c I was uncomfortable and unsure of it, etc. She was always upset (and rightfully so) & eventually turned it off as a defense mechanism.. 3 years later now, something clicked and I'm ready & so into her, but she is repulsed by the thought of sex w/ me. I realize the past history is a huge mental block that is preventing all the attraction we have between us. We've talked it out, but aren't sure what to do, if anything =/


Answers


Perna
1854 days ago
I would work on sexual feelings through the sensual. Do you all hug, hold hands, give back rubs (my husband's favorite :-) and other, just comfortable, "friendly" means of touch? Sex is not meant to be a contest or supply and demand economic transaction :-) but can flow naturally out of the relationship itself where there is warmth, trust, communication, and faith that it can all work out.

I would work on the sensual warmth and trust and communication basics so there is less "thought" allowed to repulse (what does thinking have to do with sex?) and less "negotiating". I like the Neil Diamond song, "Don't Think, Feel" with the verse, "It don't take plans to clap your hands/when it feels nice you don't think twice" :-)
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Clyde
1854 days ago
Oh, yes, Perna has some great ideas. Foreplay without the sex sometimes is a good thing...just to horseplay around and let your partner know that are important in every way to you.

Also, a ways down the line, have you ever checked into couples therapy?

Best,

Clyde
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misscris
1544 days ago
I guess the first question back at you is what kind of relationship do you have with this woman? Are you married? Dating? Best Friends with Benefits?

Regardless of the relationship type, if sex is involved - the word repulsed should never be used. To me, it sounds like she has been hurt enough in the past and she has decided you are not a good sexual partner, but, because you have now "saw the light" you want to have sex. First, you must answer yourself why did you feel uncomfortable at the thought of sex with her before and what changed your mind? Then, there has to be an understanding as to why she is feeling this way. Of course, she has to also look at herself and ask if this is a relationship that is possible (obviously, if you are married, the marriage shouldn't be tossed aside, but your message sounded as if you were not married).

So, then it sounds like instead of focusing on sex, you two should be focusing on finding out about eachother more and trust that neither of you will reject the other. She isn't going to let down her guard until she is comfortable knowing you are serious this time... and, are you sure your guard is truly down .... If she opens up only to find that you are as closed off as before, the relationship will never last or blossom into something more serious.

So, I'd say spend more time being best friends with conversations (at appropriate times!) about your relationship and where it is going and where you each hope it goes. Then, only after communication and earned trust, can you two make a decision as to whether or not the relationship beyond friendship is something you wish to pursue.

Good luck and God bless,

Cris
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