I am a 16 year old girl who has always been pretty sure of being straight. However, reccently i've been developing feelings for a friend of mine who's also a girl. She revealed to me a few months ago that she has feelings for a friend of both of ours who is a girl as well. I thought i could handle her telling me this, but it's really changed my life a lot. I've been very nervous, upset, frustrated, and confused about my sexuality since. I cannot talk to anyone regarding the topic except my therapist, who tells me to just wait it out and see how things play out. This is difficult, however, because of the fact that i always see my friend and the girl she likes being very 'touchy feely'. I want to be her friend, but i can't help but feel this way about her, and it's hard to deal with because i know she doesn't feel the same way back. I don't want this to end our friendship, but i'm at a loss. Please help me.
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Answers
idaho1, it is so tough being 16! Your feelings are extending to others, and yes, that includes other girls! This doesn't make anyone lesbian; it doesn't set anything in stone. Feelings for a great friend, male or female are very common during our formative years. If you've never had a best friend when younger, I can see why these feelings are scary, especially when so many others are choosing their "sexuality" very early (too early?) in life.
You are quite capable of saying no to anything that might be an advance to you, just like if it were a guy. That shouldn't ruin any real friendship. Yes, be sure to say you really like her as a friend. It's ok to not know, and to say so, though, concerning what might develop in the future.
Remember, much of what you are going through every one of us had to go through (or will) and while it carries many emotions and physical feelings, take your time and enjoy the process; it's called maturing!
TC
drjean
Hi there...do you feel any of it is due to her spending more time with the other girl?
Do you find yourself attracted to her like you would have previously boys your age?
Don't stress out on what you think of others thinking about your sexuality...it is your life, and you need to be happy with yourself, not happy with ideas of what everyone else thinks you should be like.
If you do feel you have feelings for her, maybe you should tell her? If you are afraid to tell her that, at least let her know that you do not want to lose her as a friend (of course, theres more, but at least a friend is better than not at all), and hopefully she will come around and see what a great girl you are :)
I wish and hope the best for you...
Thank you also, drjean.
Hi Idaho,
16 is a big one. I remember going through the exact same situation, it was really confusing, questioning my identity, sexuality, etc, it's a tough situation to be in, but as the others have said, take time to make choices. look at the big picture. also remember, you are also experiencing hormonal fluxes, which can influence our emotions either a bit or by a lot.
Take it one day at a time, don't worry over it, it will resolve itself in the end, and regardless of where your sexuality choices end up, they are normal regardless of what society says. it's your life.
On my own experience, it ended up that I just developed a healthy appreciation of the human body on a physical and sexual level, I am straight, but appreciate bi and trans etc gendered people, and consider them no differently than anyone else. Unfortunately not all is like that, so choose your confidants with discretion. And we are all here at psych central as well to offer support.
good luck and be yourself.
tinkerbell
ps. just to make a point, when i was a young teen we moved to the country and with the home came a hutch with big bunnies in it. well my mother frantically whipped them off to the vet for a sex id as they were constantly "at it" and she didn't want baby bunnies everywhere... well as it turned out they were both male.... so is it choice or physical difference in brain make up??? eventually I guess they will make a determination, but for what result, people should be accepted regardless of any thing like sexuality, culture, religion etc...
ok off my soap box now.
I think the question is largely the same whether it's a girl or a boy -- you risk ruining a good friendship with the person if the feelings are not returned (and in this case, you said you pretty much know they wouldn't be).
If you value the friendship and know there can not be a relationship, then you might have to find a way to continue being friends without pursuing your feelings. That can be really hard, but it's something you should consider. Perhaps reducing the amount of time you spend with her, especially in situations where the two of you might be alone, would be helpful in the short-term.
Many times, such feelings may lessen over time -- an attraction we feel strongly at the onset of a friendship can mature into a simple appreciation for that person on a less sexual level. You might want to give this some time and find patience to see which way this might go...
Good luck!
Thank you :)
Hi, thank you so much for replying =)
It's weird - I've never really felt attracted to another girl until this happened, but yes, it kind of is like the attraction i would of previously felt for other boys. Sometimes the way she acts towards me makes it seem like she may feel the same way, but other times it just becomes apparent that she doesn't. You're right though, it is better to have her as a friend than not at all, because unfortunately that is a relaity in this situation, and things could be worse. Maybe if i looked at things that way, my frustration would ease a bit. Thank you again for replying, i really appreciate it!
Well, of course, I would hope for you it would be different, I just want you to make sure. Just hope your feelings don't get hurt too bad if she would turn you down.
Hopefully things work out the other way though! Best of luck!