My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years, and have recently purchased a home together. We broke up briefly two years ago after his return from Iraq. Things were great initially, and after I took my first post-college job. Things have since changed, and I am dissatisfied with my job and work environment, and the 82 mile round-trip commute doesn't help. We argue on a regular basis now, and he says the only reason he is with me is because he doesn't want to dump me, and thinks I will change back to how I used to be. He claims that 98% of our issues are my fault, and he can never admit when he is wrong. He finds it nearly impossible to compliment me without adding a "but" statement that cuts me down simultaneously. He thinks that he is better than everyone, and claims he was "trained" to do so. He is incapable of discussing these issues without turning it into a mud-slinging event, and treats me as though I am beneath him and less intelligent. I have a strong personality, am opinionated and unafraid to stand up for myself, and am more independent than I used to be, which I admit can lead to disagreements. Should I believe him that I am at fault for all of the issues in our relationship, or am I correct in thinking that he is insecure and that is the cause of some issues as well?
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Answers
Relationship problems are never just one sided, hon. Is there counseling available for you through the military service? He might be insecure, and reactive, needing control of things to feel secure due to the war duty.
Try not to fall into the same pit he is in, with having to find someone at fault. This is a relationship and thus it needs attention. A third party who can see you both where you are now, and hear where you want to be, would help. He'd like that too, wouldn't he?
good wishes
drjean
Honestly, its probably like any other relationship, 50-50. Can you get him (or yourself) to see a psychotherapist or marriage/couples counselor?
It seems to me, that if you both could discuss this with someone there to regulate you, it would help tremendously.
Seek counseling if you can.
Best,
Clyde