I am a 46 yr old male who has spent nearly 10 years alone, without being in a relationship with anyone. I have kept even friendships at an arms length away from my personal self. I have been getting to know a few people as friends this past year, as I am now enrolled in school.
I am considered a gay male, but have never felt comfortable as one, due to being raised in a very christian, also dysfunctional family, where I was taught of how wrong it was. I was counseled by some elders in church when I was in my teens, and was told God could 'fix' me if I truely wanted it. I have never felt normal from this experience, along with the mental and emotional abuse from mom and husband. I have been in two somewhat long-term relationships (2 years and a 4 year), and a few short termers, but was very hurt in each of them. I was doing anything and everything I could, so 'he would love me', which I now know was wrong. Part of my 10 years away was to learn to love myself,which I have made such great progress in this area.
I have been feeling the lonliness come about as of this past year, but I do not think I could even go about a relationship of this nature. Part of it is the 'God' thing. Part of it is not feeling physically capable. I am even a bit convinced that I could probably not be any good at the sexual part, physical part.
I do not want to be alone, and would love to find a soulmate to grow old with. But what about the rare moments I do feel sexual, and they are not like that of most people I am aware of. I just do not have the sexual drive that I see in society today. Again, I feel 'not normal'.
Am I broken, maybe there is something, more than something, wrong with me.
I know I am a good guy, and very likeable by the friends I do have. No one has ever wanted me to stay with them, however...I do not think anyone has ever really loved me in that respect, but I have learned to just live with it. I am and still in the process of loving myself, and all people as I study human behavior. I love helping people.
alone and sad...
GrndedAnGl9
I am considered a gay male, but have never felt comfortable as one, due to being raised in a very christian, also dysfunctional family, where I was taught of how wrong it was. I was counseled by some elders in church when I was in my teens, and was told God could 'fix' me if I truely wanted it. I have never felt normal from this experience, along with the mental and emotional abuse from mom and husband. I have been in two somewhat long-term relationships (2 years and a 4 year), and a few short termers, but was very hurt in each of them. I was doing anything and everything I could, so 'he would love me', which I now know was wrong. Part of my 10 years away was to learn to love myself,which I have made such great progress in this area.
I have been feeling the lonliness come about as of this past year, but I do not think I could even go about a relationship of this nature. Part of it is the 'God' thing. Part of it is not feeling physically capable. I am even a bit convinced that I could probably not be any good at the sexual part, physical part.
I do not want to be alone, and would love to find a soulmate to grow old with. But what about the rare moments I do feel sexual, and they are not like that of most people I am aware of. I just do not have the sexual drive that I see in society today. Again, I feel 'not normal'.
Am I broken, maybe there is something, more than something, wrong with me.
I know I am a good guy, and very likeable by the friends I do have. No one has ever wanted me to stay with them, however...I do not think anyone has ever really loved me in that respect, but I have learned to just live with it. I am and still in the process of loving myself, and all people as I study human behavior. I love helping people.
alone and sad...
GrndedAnGl9
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Answers
Grnded, I wouldn't use the word "broken" as you have, but surely you have been greatly, negatively, affected by the abuse of your past. There are very early studies addressing the issue of how it might be that some people do tend towards this type of behavior as a response to abuse growing up.
However, it's society that seems to place the emphasis on sexual relationships. There are many people who don't put that first, but respect and agreement and similar interests. I, too, think that school is a great place to find not only yourself, but others to have great times with. Try to take the focus away from finding someone "for the rest of your life" and work on becoming whole again, for who you are now and aspire to be.
You might also consider finding a psychologist who specializes in PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and see if that might be the reason for much of your distress. Whether it is or not, the doctor can help you at this time of your life. You may feel old, but even if it takes 5 years to feel great, you then still have the rest of your life for great living!
tc
drjean
(((GrndedAnGl9)))
So sorry the thing with the church happened to you. You do sound like a nice, caring person.
Not everyone has a hypersex drive, so hopefully you could find someone who has a sex drive more like yours.
I agree with Leanne, though. If you really do feel that it might be a problem behavior, you should check with a T or a doc just to be on the safe side.
I am glad you are learning to love yourself and have made good strides in that. You know what I was thinking--the school thing will be great for you--as well if you can find a job where you have to interact with different people.
Hopefully there is someone there who is unbiased and you make some new, good to you, friends.
Best of luck, and keep in touch :)
GrndedAnGel9, i don't truly think this is a disorder. a problem, yes, but not a mental disorder. To me, it sounds like you've been hurt a lot and you're afraid of getting hurt again. Do you find it hard to trust people?
I'm glad you've learned to love yourself, you sound like a fabulous friend to have.
Being alone is nothing to be ashamed of, however it can be depressing. The best advice i can offer is to go see a psychologist or counsellor and see what they think. If you really think this could be a disorder, you may want to go to a doctor. Try and put yourself out there more, and trust people a bit more. It's a hard process, one that I've been through myself, but try. It may take a while and you may get hurt once or twice, but in the long run, you'll find that people are more willing to be with you if you trust them and if they can trust you.
Please keep us updated!
Best wishes,
Leanne