I love him very much, and he never told me he was then one nite "Damien" came out, and began saying all these horrible things, about him that he's a murderer, lyier, that he's married and not telling me, and he stayed for a long time and everytime I said no, disagreed with him, smiled, or laughed "Damien" would slap me then we stopped talkin for a moment his eyes slowly closed and then my baby came back, and was like what happened did I fall asleep, and I told him about "Damien" he said how do you know about that name did I tell you are you lying to me? I said no, he said I'm sorry I should have told you sooner, then a couple minutes later "Damien" came back, and began saying that he was a dead person that he shot Jerelle's (fiancee)brother, that he was dug up from his gave by Jerelle and tied to his mother, and he tried to get me to break up with Jerelle saying that I'm the type of woman he can love, and that he can sometimes see my face and hear our conversations and he could tell I didnt believe Jerelle. I don't know what to do it only happened once, but when I told him about it he said that it used to happen all the time. I want to support him what can I do?
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Answers
Sarbre, I believe you when you say you love him. However, if he is going to be abusive, you can't put yourself at risk. He has many years of therapy ahead of him, and the process might put you at further harm, should any of him decide to take it out on you, instead.
Support him by encouraging him to go to his therapy sessions and work with the doctor. Don't be with him in private places, alone, where you might be at the mercy of a mean part of him. He may have buried hatred for his mother or another woman and that part of him might take it out on any female. Since he's already been violent with you, it may have set a precedent and could escalate.
good wishes
drjean
Even if he does have DID you need to set the limit and very clear consequences with Damian that you will never allow yourself to be abused. Most people with DID have been abused and they often act out that aspect of their abuse in all sorts of ways. Sometimes they hurt themselves, sometimes they hurt other people but if he can't control when he is switching you need to let both of them know that you can't be in a relationship with someone who is abusing you.
The question: "I want to support him what can I do?"
The first thing I would advise anyone to do is take care of themselves. Clyde is absolutely correct: the dude may be faking it and may be manipulating you or attempting to manipulate you, your caring and compassion. Do NOT allow anyone, no matter what their dx is, to do this to you. it is abusive and it's wrong.
You are his partner, not his therapist. your relationship is supposed to be qualitatively different. Therapists have built in boundaries: they only see their clients for x amount of time y days per week. As a partner, that's not your position so it is even more important that you establish and maintain your boundaries with this individual and/or entity.
If you are being abused, don't allow it. leave the relationship. As hard as that sounds now, it is even worse if you allow yourself to be chronically abused for the sake of love. You're doing nobody any favors.
Your partner may or may not have a good therapist. if he does, you can ask to talk to the therapist who may or may not agree to meet with you. and if you do meet with the therapist, he or she may or may not be helpful to you. If necessary and if you choose to continue in relationship with this person, you WILL need your own support system. Start building.
Care and compassion are good things. Absolutely. I believe in interrelatedness without co-dependence. you can't possibly be all he needs if he is DID, and if he is not then you should not be in a relationship -- for your sake -- with this individual.
THE SIDESHOW –
Dear Clyde:
I respect you and have read enough of your responses to know that you are a caring individual. You asked: Are you sure he has DID? Has he been documented with it?
I need to share/want to share a bit of my history and ask that you please bear with me. My statement is: It depends on who you ask whether or not a client is DID. As you know, the state of diagnosis of this particular condition is a matter of much debate. He may or may not be DID and he may or may not be diagnosed and still be DID . . . or not.
Some 10+ years ago, my partner’s mother passed and I decided with that event to finally address some of my issues surrounding my personal abuse history. I had quit my job as a legal secretary (a story there, too) and was working as a temporary secretary that summer. Because I had limited income, I had to rely on the public health system. I set an appointment and saw the Therapist there. She was, at best, inexperienced. She was transferred and I was assigned a male. I didn’t go back. I found another one. On the first visit, having screwed up every ounce of courage I had, I told her about my abuse history and she responded (to me it sounded like a demand): “What do you want ME to do about it!!!”
I was floored. She finally suggested that I might try VOICES but she couldn’t find a telephone number. I tried to look it up in the phone directory but VOICES wasn’t listed and I was floundering, sinking fast. I found an alternative newspaper and in that newspaper there was an ad for a support group forming. I called that number. I spoke with a woman and after some discussion, it was clear that since I had no car, I wouldn’t be able to attend her group but she did give me a phone number to Catholic Social Services. I called them. They had me come in and said that there was a group forming. That day was hugely traumatic for me but eventually they did refer me to the woman who was to run the group. She is my savior.
I met with her so she could evaluate me and see if I was a good fit for the group. She asked the screening questions and I answered them and she determined that I might be a good fit and let me in. once in group, it became obvious to her pretty quickly that I was worse off than I appeared (maybe?). I was dissociating badly and having flashbacks. One day, out of nowhere, she decided to try something. She asked: “who’s there” and the answer came back: “Paul.” At that point we both understood that there was a problem.
She refused to see me individually, citing conflict of interest (she doesn’t see group members individually) and that she would need to be retrained to deal with highly dissociative clients so the focus became to get me individual treatment. She helped me structure a therapist search.
I interviewed several. Group T had even written an introductory letter to the prospective therapist. She said that I would have to disclose that I was highly dissociative. I did. One of the therapists I interviewed responded: “Ok, let’s trigger a switch.” Let it be known that I did NOT go back to her. She scared the holy sh*t out of me.
I did crash in circa 1999 becoming very su*c*dal and depressed. I ended up in a university setting. Those t’s change. They graduate and rotate out. Every year. Let’s hear it for retraumatization and abandonment issues. I did get lucky, but damn. And even as lucky as I was, these were students rendering treatment. Not dismissing them. They were PhD students and some had histories of being providers at the MA level, but . . .
They gave me a bunch of tests. The DES (a self-report) had me way into the DID range.
I ended up in trouble at work and had to do an IME. Because of that, I got hold of my medical records. Nowhere in there does it say that I am DID. However, one of the treating t’s had “seen” several “me’s” – the final one said: “I see no signs of this.”
I’ve had several t’s. The one I’m seeing now absolutely does NOT believe in DID. So I restate: it may or may hot have been diagnoses, depending on who is doing the diagnosis.
(((Seven)))
Thank you so much for your kind words. I do wholeheartedly agree--it doesnt always mean that they will pick it up, or find that you have or dont have DID. There are therapists, still to this day, that won't treat it, sadly.
I can understand how the one therapist freaked you out for sure.
It is very true that it may or may not of been diagnosed, yet with the preceeding case (sgrbre), I was wondering if it was true. While I definitely believe in DID, I also believe in some people "faking" or screwing others :)
Thanks again for your nice words, I really appreciate it when people say they respect me, it means I must be doing something semi-right ;)
Best,
Clyde
That is very odd...do you think he may be playing with it to see how far he can go with you?
I would not let anyone hit you, regardless.
Are you sure he has DID? Has he been documented with it?
This link may help:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=did
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=616683&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1#Post881992
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=635561&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=193561&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=204425&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1
Hope this helps :)
Best,
Clyde