My husband & I have been married for almost 10 years...he started cheating on me 3 months after we married. Sometimes I get it...things can be bad between although its no excuse. However, this last time we said okay...we are going to counseling and the real help we need.

However, we never made it. I found out he was perusing a woman works with. I don't get it...I know it's NOT me. I don't understand why he does it. I honestly don't think he does either. The elaborate lies he tell to these women is absolutely ridiculous. From, I'm dead, to I cheated & the kids aren't his, to he works for Homeland Security (he's a blue collar guy).

I don't think its about the sex because there have been times where its has been emotional cheating (more like lies) and I had to make him understand that.

Has anyone ever heard a such a thing? I'm a fool and a loser for wanting him ? Try save our marriage? Or do I just give up?


Answers


DocJohn
2457 days ago
People cheat for a million different reasons, so it's probably not much help for us to try and figure out why he's cheating here (since he's not here to tell us!), but to help you get help for this relationship.

The key to any damage we cause in a relationship is to try and repair it, and understand how it occurred in the first place so it doesn't happen again. In this sort of situation, your first instinct was probably the wisest -- seeking couples counseling to see what's going on with your relationship and why he's cheating. Only he can answer that question, and he'll probably be more likely to do so honestly in a therapy environment where it can be discussed rationally, with an eye toward determining whether this is a relationship-breaker sort of behavior, or whether it's something else (like feeling bored, neglected, whatever).

The key is probably to get both of yourselves into couples counseling and following through with not only the first appointment, but the half dozen appointments after that. Couples counseling is simple, goal-directed, and usually a lot more enjoyable than most people imagine. Couples more often than not come out of the counseling feeling closer and more in tune with one another, each other's needs, and how better to communicate those needs.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.



martial470
2457 days ago
Your husband has some SERIOUS problems, and only HE can address them. He needs ongoing face to face counselling, either individually or in a group.I am a counsellor of 10 years standing. The evidence is that couples dynamics rarely change until one decides to LEAVE the relationship.

Kick him out and then negotiate a NEW relatioship contract with him that is healthy for YOU. If you cannot do this, get some counselling of your own.

Good luck on the journey...Terry



mystry
2457 days ago
I was thinking of a piece in a magazine or a TV program I had seen on this subject...anyway they explained that some people enjoy the chase...the hunt so to speak...but as soon as they get what they want it is time to move onto the next adventure...this is a layman's perspective...but maybe he is using the lies as a way of proving he still has control of a his single life...he maybe feeling hemmed in by the word marriage and this is his cry for help...if indeed he does love you and he does want your marriage to work then he will do all that he can to help himself...and you to understand...but like the Doc and terry mentioned you should do what you need to feel safe within yourself...as long as you are strong within then you can help him work on his within...he is probably a bundle of nerves at this point...good luck...



Clyde
2457 days ago
It is a shame that he is cheating and still trying to do so since you have been so valiant and caring in the relationship by trying to hold it together.

If you feel that you must stay with him, and from your past experiences, it seems like you have answered your question yourself--the idea would be either to seek some kind of counseling for the both of you--or counseling separately.

Hopefully, with that kind of relationship counseling, the real issues about why he cheats and what is behind it would come out.

While I do hope that things work out, please take care of yourself too. Dont continue to let him run you over by taking him back without question--you are worth more than that.

I do hope it works out for sure, keep us all informed!



frankduff
2455 days ago
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Clyde
2453 days ago
Yes, as Frank said (and very well, I might add) that it could be the chasing, the lying, the fantasy world that perhaps he has created for himself.

I also agree with Frank that emotional abuse is indeed just as bad as the rest of the list, and please be careful and safe with yourself. You don't deserve to be treated that way!

Best of luck!



drjean
2445 days ago
(((Justme))) it's good to hear from you. I'm sorry you have reached the end of the rope, so it appears. But I'm glad you're ready for a change. This turning point will depend upon his response to you, though.

If you wish to try and save this marriage, well, it will take both of you to do so. Couples counseling, with honest discussions, is a must! It will be difficult to find a doctor you both agree to, even if your spouse agrees to work on the marriage. If he won't then you don't have many choices.

If you truly suspect he is mentally ill, then seek help like you would for any other malady for an ailing spouse.

If it is hurting your own mental health, and even (with the unfaithfulness) jeopardizing your physical health, then you must protect yourself. If that means separating until things get squared away, then do so.

It isn't easy. You have to decide what it's worth.

Good wishes. Post more if you think we can continue to help you.

drjean



syruz
2414 days ago
honestly the only why to get through this to leave him. Are you afraid of being alone, is that what stops you from leaving him. He might say he loves you but surely he doesnt if he cheats on you. You need to wake up and be strong, you will find someone else trust me



silentstorm186
2237 days ago
You are not a fool or a loser, but you should quit. He cares more about himself and his needs than he does about you and your marriage.

Test him. If he is serious about counseling, get his schedule and make an appointment around it to see if his is willing to go. Take away all of his excuses for not going and see what happens.

50 years from now when looking back at your life, if you stay with him without taking the chance to find someone to love you the way you love them, do you think it will be something you regret?